You are here

He wants to move closer to his adult dysfunctional kids

DUMBFOUNDED's picture

What on earth do I do now. He wants to move closer to his dysfunctional kids. One homeless heroin addict.  Second lazy wont work leaching off parents playing wo is me. 

We have planned to by condo closer to city near our current  home. No lawn work as we both are disabled.  Just came back from 8 days with them in pacific NW.  He now wants to move back there. Why???? Why did our marriaged life change over night?  Because princess wants daddy wallet to come back home.  23 works enough to buy smokes and gamble,  But can't buy her own car, can't keep her phone turned on , doesn't pay rent to her alcoholic bio mom. But pays mom with buying booze.  She's stress eat herself to nearly 260.  

We've been planning to buy this condo for 2 1/2 years. Why did OUR LIFE GET TIED TO HER????

He says you love  me don't you.  I said YOU LOVE Dont  YOU.  He said its just an idea. I said you've already made up your mind.  He says I miss my kids.   He's attaching his happiness to living near them.  

I don't want to move 3000 miles disabled 59 years old and start over.  I can't afford to do that. 

The way he sees his life now is "I can't win"  he said that. Living with me  princess isn't happy, living there wife isn't  happy. Basically he's not happy being away from them.  We can afford  to visit  them at least once a year for 2 3 weeks.  Is that not enough?  Is that nit enough... REALLY..

Parents out there does this man love me? He can't afford to buy anything.  I don't want to live there. Neither of us together can afford to live there. 

What is he doing?  Please help me here.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Say no, then change the subject. It's a non issue since niether of you can afford it. If he tries on his own, so be it. But do NOT let him come back if/when he fails. 

Sparkl3s's picture

Don't move there. Your story reminds me of  "shes driving me crazy in my retirement" blog. You need distance from the skids. If your husband can't afford to move down there then don't put anything in motion bc without you it's not going to happen. 

hereiam's picture

Just came back from 8 days with them in pacific NW.  He now wants to move back there. Why????

He just spent time with them so he is thinking how wonderful it would be to be close to them all of the time. It's not based in reality. He will get over it. Hopefully.

I'm not saying that a parent shouldn't love their adult kids, miss their adult kids, but to risk their marriage to pick up and move closer to dysfunctional adult kids is just insane.

DUMBFOUNDED's picture

He said he moved away to get away from his ex. And to date a woman he dated in his 20's who lived on this coast. That  relationship didn't  work out because  he wouldn't stop texting  and talking to the  ex.  In counseling I drew my boundary with that and he "BEGRUDGINGLY "  stopped  it.

The  daughter said  she would drive out to see us but dh said no that's to far. She 23.  So if we got closer it would  be 2 or 3 day drive. 

He needs to let her grow up. She needs to grow up. He needs to FOCUS ON HIS LIFE/OUR LIFE.  

I have a buyer for my home, we had planned to buy a condo,  do I go through with it?  He said he doesn't want to live here. Is he just using  me?  I never ever felt he was. But he's becoming distant and cold.  

Do any of you experience this coldness?  When I talk about how all this makes me feel he accuses me if "guilting him".  He even accused me if spying on them. That just blows my mind,  and he believes it 100%.  

 

Sparkl3s's picture

If you owned the home prior to the marriage with him and he isn't on the title, I'd consult a lawyer prior to buying a condo. In my state bc I'm married even if my husband didn't put any money down he would be on title and owner with me. 
 

If you proceed with buying a condo bc you want to and it works with your budget check with a lawyer and set it up to where in the event of the divorce it's only yours (assuming he doesn't contribute anything financially).

As a bystander it seems like if he had the means to do so he would have left to go be by her side, I'm sorry you don't deserve to be treated poorly. 

notarelative's picture

The advice of Sparkl3s to see a lawyer is very good. If you don't have a prenup, and you have assets, you should consider a postnuptial too. 

BethAnne's picture

I  would look at this two ways.

First, the cold hard facts of your financial and living situation and deciding wether to sell your current home and move as previously planned. Consider if your husband does decide to move to be near his kids and you and him decide to split over this issue. Would your new place be affordable and suitable for you to live in on your own? .

If yes then go ahead and continue with the sale and move as planned.

If not, you could either stall the sale until this issue is resolved between you and your husband (either through separation/divorce or you come to an agreement about staying near where you are) or you could continue with the sale and opt to rent a new property rather than commit to buying a property straight away so that your options are more flexible should you two separate. 

Secondly are the emotional and relationship issues involved here. Most people have come back from the odd vacation with dreams of living at their vacation destination. It is not unusual. Your husband is also perfectly capable of loving you and his kids at the same time. The problem comes when your husband thinks he can make life changing decisions for you both after a couple of weeks vacation and not talk about the realities of that potential choice with you reasonably. If you can afford it, it may be worth getting a therapist to help you two to discuss this topic effectively so that you have the best chance of coming together rather than pushing each other apart. 

tog redux's picture

At this point, yes - he needs to decide between them and you, because you aren't moving there. Go ahead with buying the condo if you can afford it on your own - if not, look for one that you can afford on your own.

He's manipulating you like a child to get what he wants.

SeeYouNever's picture

Make no mistake if you move closer to his junky lazy kids they are going to be living with you at some point and all of your husband's money is going to go to supporting them in their bad habits. 

He wants to help his kids because he sees them struggling. You need to have a long heart-to-heart with him about how he intends to help them IF you guys move. Cannot be unlimited money or place to live if they are not working towards bettering their own lives. 

Harry's picture

Your own good.  If DH wants to go alone. And choose his kids over you. You know where you really stand in this relationship.

There are right if you move SK will move in with you and all your money will be going to them.  Lost my money. Car needs to be fix. My phone Is broken.  Have to pay my phone bill.  

TX2step's picture

"Why bother to get divorced at all? Go back to your failed family, let me have my peace." This is what you tell him. 

DUMBFOUNDED's picture

We have a prenuptial he insisted, so I agreed. But there is a clause that protects me for 12 months. He didn't like that part but I said I'm not changing it. Whats mine is mine, his is his, but he doesn't  have anything.  I'm the one with the  money. Not much enough  if I'm wise. 

We have had couple's counseling  from the  beginning.  He is enmeshed  with his daughter,  emotional  incest and codependent people pleaser. He's stopped working  on it. So he needs to begin  working  on it again. 

Before the  trip we did discuss  maybe summers 4 weeks there, but not moving there.  It all boils down  to the sd won't fly. She would  drive the 5 days but not fly.  She's depressed,  FAILING TO LAUNCH, LAZY, AND CHILDISH.  She has always been the center of attention her entire life, now she gets no attention and its jolted her. He's trying  to rescue  her and fix her problems. 

The money he throws at them I no longer care about.  My prenuptial says he pays blank percent of our combined living expenses to me monthly,  and for 12 months if we separate  or divorce.  If he over spends he suffers not me. To a degree. 

So most of you thing I should just hold off on the  move.? Yes I could  afford  to move, my prenuptial protects me. Its governed in my state . I see his inner struggle  and his pain and concern for his daughter but if he loves me he should  snap out of this right? 

Is my head in tge sand so to speak? 

Winterglow's picture

He needs to wake up. It is not his responsibility to make her happy. He isn't married to her, he is married to you. He should be more concerned about your happiness than that of someone who should be building her own life without a meddling father's interference. 

Do not move to make him happy if that will make you miserable. If he wants to move, let him but make it clear that he doesn't get to come crawling back when things turn sour. 

DUMBFOUNDED's picture

He said for a very long time he was going  to buy a piece  of  land at my house to increase my home value so we could get more from the the sale  of my home for our house  together.  Now he just said he's not  draining his bank account,  he'll do what he can. I said like the moving truck deposit on electric  etc.  He said ill do what I can.  I said we are married.  He said are we going  to get into a big fight over this right now?  

Hes not committed to me or this marriage is he.  Hes just biding his time isn't he. Doesn't want to talk about  what we've  been planning  fir 2 1/2 years. I have 2 buyers in 2 months.  

Advice?