You are here

Disney Dad and Guilt Will Never End

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone! I know that probably most of you all know Massachusetts in with my post about stepmom he's over it and husband and stepdaughter's are out. But because those threads are so long I am posting this one.

Just wanted to let you all know that the narcissistic guilty father issues will never ever change. I have gone back-and-forth for over 12 years trying to get my husband to see the issues which again you can read my other threads which are completely out of line and borderline insane and I can't believe I endured it for that long. 
 

during my recovery and healing from the separation, I came across a video which is a podcast of two therapists which have discussions about blended families in that kind of thing. The title of the episode was Disney dad guilt in how to deal with it. Basically talked about everything from how the ex-wife poisons the husband and the new wife and the kids etc. etc. 

Well if you read the other threads you can see that my situation was complete insanity and on a level a very toxic and super unhealthy and there's nothing like I could've said and done to make anything change which is why I made him move out.

The podcast talks about all of that it even gives a perspective of how the current wife is affected and have a husband and wife although it's put in a bad spot etc. etc. he really needs to step up and create boundaries and those kinds of things. Basically it's everything that I've been trying to communicate to him for years and years but couldn't get the message across completely because he said it was just me and because most of the time he cut the conversation off mid conversation. 
 

I never listen to anything that explained our situation more than this conversation in the podcast so I did ask him to listen to it and I said if you really have any care about saving our marriage then you would listen to this just be open to it and I think it'll really give you a perspective of how as a dad you are supported regardless but you need to create boundaries etc. I really for some reason thought that it would hit him in a spot and make him understand it in a way that I couldn't ever explain to him because I wasn't allowed to and because of course he has his views which are completely irrational and dysfunctional.

 

He texted me last night to tell me that he did listen to the video and when I asked him if he had any agreement with it or if It gave him a different perspective or if he understood and his response was no not at all as a matter of fact I wish that I would've spent more time with them on the weekends that I didn't have them but instead chose to spend them with you and it upsets me because I did that and because I did that it still wasn't good enough for you. He told me that he understands their point of you and that he understands my point of you but he doesn't agree with it.

 

I was so blown away even though I shouldn't have been by his response but I have some peace now because his response to something that I've been trying to tell him for years hearing it from two other very well-known therapist and seeing no he doesn't see or understand or agree with it there is a major issue there she has major issues and he will never be reached it's impossible. I have accepted it. 
But it's still very hard. Because I just can't wrap my head around someone who is so stuck in their head so stuck in their views and so stuck in their ways it's sickening to me. I also feel beyond invalidated because there was just never any way that I was going to win here.

He said the solution to save the marriage is too that you can't fix the past you can only move forward and change things. To which I said are you kidding me you can't even acknowledge that the issues that we had in the past are valid. What in the world makes me think that moving forward and just changing things will change anything? It's nuts!

I did tell him that I am really done. I did tell him to not please date anyone else or do this to anyone else because it's clear that no one and no woman in his life will ever have the place of his ex-wife or his daughters. And I was silly to think that all of my love and everything that I gave for so many years would win that place.

so I just want to tell the step parents here who are dealing with someone who is narcissistic and someone who has guilt dad issues or mom issues that it's almost impossible to get them to see how unhealthy their behavior is. I don't think this is the same for everyone. But if you're dealing with someone who is narcissistic like my soon to be ex-husband because I'm moving forward with a divorce. Just leave. Just leave because it's not going to change and it's not going to get better. Please don't waste 12 years of your life like I did.

Thank goodness that I am only 46 years old which I also feel very old but I don't think too old to find myself and to find my self-worth again and to find a healthy love that I deserve. His response is all that I needed to hear to say finally I am done.

Again, I hope that this message reaches some of you all who are going through what I have gone through and it gives you some some sense of hope and some sense of courage to do the right thing for yourself. Because you matter.

Survivingstephell's picture

The woman in this video is the shrink4men .com lady and she's been at this for years.  They really do know their stuff IMO and I'm not surprised your future ex did not recognize himself in this.  
 

The things that getting divorced and remarried introduced into my life was family law/court stuff and mental illness.  Those two combined make for a heartbreaking lifestyle as you read around here.  Glad OP is getting out since he can't be reached.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I hope you move on and enjoy your new drama-free life. Living well is the best revenge!

Lifer33's picture

I've just read all your posts, you really have had an awful time with him and those kids, I don't know how you stayed so long. Their relationship was just too abnormal to be fixed, and them as individuals. You are well shot.

It does hurt under any circumstance when someone does not acknowledge or realise how they've wronged you. But you will be truly healed and over it when you don't feel you want or need such an acknowledgement any more. This man is obviously not going to see any error in his ways, and I hope you realise that If you were ever getting back together, it would be on the same (their) terms? You seperated in June? Try not to contact him other than over practicalities, it'll just make him feel more assured in himself and possibly look to him like you are regretting your decision. 

Harry's picture

His first relationship.  One would think that something is wrong with him.  Being happy with crumbs left by the ex and DD .   But that his life. Hope he's happy with himself and his life. 
You did the right thing, even if it really hurts, and it's like watching a roadrunner cartoon.   You know what's going to happen.  
You must be happy with yourself, and your life. You have to make sure in the next relationship you are clearly number one.  That the ex and kids take a back seat to you.  Kids must be taken care of.  Not take control.
Personally I was not a good candidate for step life.  It always bother me.  That my DW and her ex had time together to do what they wanted. Then he dump the kids on her. And I could not go to MickeyD with her with out it being a production,  Babysitter ,  getting out.  Babysitter costing more then the hamburger.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you. 

One of you said he never left his first relationship. What does that mean? Do you all think that it's because he was still in love with his ex when he met me? When I remember everything she did cheat on him for a very long time and he remained with her even though that was happening, although I know they were married, she is the one who eventually kicked him out and made him leave.

Him and I started dating after that he was only separated from her for a few months at that time. She had already moved on to the guy that she was cheating on and then moved on to the next that she married.

Him and I stay together since then and until now. So even though I've asked him numerous times if he was still in love with her and if she would have not left if you would've still been with her and he said no that she disgusts him. But I do believe that he will do anything and whatever it takes to be with his daughters full-time.

Thinking about this makes me feel so dumb. Like everyone knew that he was only with me because she didn't want him? I don't even know but I am crying because the thought of it really hurts me I just feel stupid.

He did say some thing for the day for yesterday which I forgot to mention and really hurt my feelings because when I told him I feel like I am sad because I've wasted so many years knowing that I couldn't change him. He said maybe if you wouldn't have been so focused on trying to change things that didn't need changed you wouldn't have wasted so many years. Ouch!

I did tell him that I was done and I wanna be left alone. He sent a few random text yesterday just like a song and then seeing my show was on a certain channel. Then had the nerve to text me if you hours ago and say hi what is my wife doing today?

I just don't understand if he's not in love with me at all or if he doesn't care for me at all or anything why is he still reaching out doing this kind of thing? Especially after I said all that I said?

Does anyone here have that kind of experience?

Survivingstephell's picture

Emotionally tied to the ex is what the point was. Or the daughters. Either way you were not his "move every mountain to be with " person.  
I think your upset most at being played the fool.  Grieve the lost years but do realize you have a chance at a wonderful future if you want.   

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Emotionally tied after all of that time? I don't get why he stayed with me. Married me, etc. 

Why is he still wanting to hang out today?

yes, I feel so dumb. Beyond. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think trying to decipher this guy's motives and thoughts is a losing battle. He is a mess and possibly a narcissist. Jerks act like jerks because they are jerks. No contact is the way to go. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! 

He's going to say you said I gave no effort. I listened to the video, wanted to take you to dinner for sweetest day. 
 

Do I even text him back why I didn't respond to The invite? 
 

 

shamds's picture

It just addressed all then issues i have with my husband, feral skids and exwife and the disrespect of my and my kids boundaries and general disrespect and hubby being too weak to address it. 
 

i made hubby see it.

favourite quotes from it:

“Don’t breed with crazy because you’re creating this new generation of dysfunction”

“Don’t stick your dick in crazy”

i loved how dr t said mums are the perpetrators of pas about 80-90% of the time and she is allowed to remarry no issues but how dare daddy do this even 5-10 yrs post divorce. He is expected by skids to be treated abusively, manipulatively, treated like shit and lap it up without question and remain a doormat and revolving atm for these kids who will fail to launch.

i told hubby he had no right to continually push me to give into another try with skids. I reached my limit yrs ago after the disrespect and abuse purely because they felt they could dish it out and when you remove toxicity out of your life, you don't want it back!! Its selfish for any husband to force his new wife and new family to tolerate this disrespect and abuse because he is too weak to stop it from his kids. 

dr t, where have you been my whole marriage?? I didn't even know you existed.

Survivingstephell's picture

If you are trying to eliminate toxicity from your life, you don't take the high road and be polite, you shut it down cold like.  They don't deserve or have earned your politeness.  No, don't answer him.  He is fishing.  Throwing anything out to see if you respond.