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BM making false allegations - what to do ?

superstepmom1979's picture

My stepkids BM has been a real peach. I have been threatened with CPS, accused of sleeping in bed w/ my stepkid, and training my stepkid to call me mom. She just recently accused me of making comments about her son's privates to her son during bath time.Its an all time low, and afraid she will take it further. What should I do ? Can I send a ceise and desist? I'm afraid that she is capable of anything at this point, after saying something like this - and my stepkid is young enough to be brainwaished. 

 

tog redux's picture

How does your DH respond to these allegations? He needs to protect you from her. 

If I were you, I'd leave all parenting to him and have exactly zero unsupervised interaction with the boy.  I'd probably also leave, though - if DH couldn't put her in her place.

Dogmom1321's picture

Agree with the above. If DH can't be home when it is his custody time, sorry. SK needs to stay at BM. If this is a frequent enough habit to inconvenience BM and HER schedule, hopefully she will stop with the allegations. 

If she is contacting you directly, or attempting to, I'd get a restraining order ASAP. 

Kes's picture

The BM in my life made false abuse accusations against my DH a few months after we started seeing each other.  As a result, I decided there and then to never be alone with either of my SDs, who were 5 and 7 at the time, and I have always stuck to that.  I am not having my life wrecked by some mad bitch with an axe to grind.  I suggest you do the same as I did - ie refuse to be alone with SS and have your DH bath him, not you. 

justmakingthebest's picture

CPS was always my breaking point. Nothing has ever happened but DH knows that if CPS is ever called on us, SS is not allowed back in our home. I have my own children to protect.

Has she actually called or are these all threats? IF they are just threats I would ignore her and possibly send a cease and desist letter from an attorney. I would also discuss with the attorney if this is something that could warrant a restraining order. 

As the others said your husband's job is to keep you and your home protected. He needs to figure out how to shelter you from this. 

One last thing... Don't think for a minute that older kids and teens can't be alienated. They are all little puppets for BM's that know what they are doing.

superstepmom1979's picture

so ladies to answer everyone here - i dont bathe him. My SK has been in my life for over 3 years - hes shy of 5. He knows very well i am not his Mom - calls me by my first name. We have an amazing relationship - like two buds.  At times he wants me to read him books before bed - or help him in the bathroom. When it comes to bath time  its always been established that its his time with hisDad. Ive bathed him a handful of times over 3 years, given a circumstance, where hes told by myself to wash his own privates. BM is scorned and been fru strating parenting time since day 1. I do agree it might be best right now to not be alone with SK - but is this real life ? i cant live my life like that - especially if BM is knowingly causing issues to upset our time. Does anyone here suggest sugest filing a cease and dessist to keep it from going any further ? .... and yes my Husband defends - somestimes too much, where I want him to focus only on his kid and not worry about putting BM in her place for me. We have a strong relationship. Were good here - just trying to figure out how to stop it without having to run away from my life/family and have BM start getting to her own kid - i dont care about myself ...... I will handle myself and legally if needed - I care about my SK and not having him subjected to this nonsense. 

ESMOD's picture

First, has she actually called CPS or is it just threats (empty threats so far at least)? 

If she hasn't actually made the call.. it's quite possible that she won't and she is just using it to upset you.

That being said, obviously you do need to protect yourself.

First, you do need to leave all potty/dressing and bathing to dad.  The good thing is that now at 5 years old, he will become more and more capable of doing these things independently anyway.  

Second, you need to avoid all contact/interaction with BM.  Especially if she is just using this access to upset and accuse you baselessly.  Pickups and drop offs should be just your DH if that can be managed.. at minimum he should be there.. no exchange situations where it's you and BM alone.  

Third... yes.. I know it will be difficult to avoid every small instance of being alone with him.. dad has to pee sometimes..haha.  But, at least for a while I would try my best to ensure my husband was around.

Fourth,  If the boy has been crawling into bed with you both.. that does need to stop.. if dad needs to go to his room when he has a bad dream.. that's fine.. but your bedroom should be a no-skid zone.. if for your own privacy, if nothing else.

Finally, it sounds like you don't have a problem with him or his behavior.. so, as he gets older.. it will be harder for her to "speak on his behalf".. if you aren't bathing or dressing him.. very little in the way of that could he relay to anyone.

I guess in the end, if she grooms him enough.. she could try to get him to lie for her... there will be  a point where you need to figure out how to protect yourself.. and that may mean leaving the relationship.  I'm not sure if therapy in a proactive way for the child might help him not be susceptible to her influencing lies?

advice.only2's picture

Get nanny cams and place them around the house, since you can't not be alone with the child. You can try to send her a cease and desist, but given her past it probably will just ramp up her crazy even more. Your DH needs to be the one dealing with his son for bath and potty time, that's just a reality you are going to have to face from here on out.

superstepmom1979's picture

thank you for the advice. One last question ... what the difference between a Nanny and a stepparent  doing bathe or potte time ? Its a bit upsetting to see that we as stepparents are scrutinized or advised to NOT be an additional pillar to the children we love. Just always wonder, whats the difference with me and a nanny ? Besides i dont get paid. 

tog redux's picture

The difference is that BM is jealous of you and wants to make your life hell. That's why everyone is advising you to step back and stop parenting.

You can consult an attorney but my guess is that they can't do anything.

advice.only2's picture

There isn't one, but in this instance it's easier to step back than to keep proving a point. Do you really want to be questioned by the police and have an investigation opened against you? Have CPS in your house, questioning your neighbors and co-workers? Trust me once the courts get involved in your life it's not easy to get them out. Especially since today in the court of public opinion they will see you as a pedophile before it's even proven you are not. Do you want that stigma at your work or with your neighbors? People are quick to judge and slow to forget, even if the truth it proven they will still wonder.

ESMOD's picture

Quite simply, the difference is that you are sleeping with her EX. 

Now, it's not unheard of that a nanny could also be accused.. I guess if the other parent was trying to point out their EX had an unsafe caregiver.  but the reality is that it's YOU.. you are with her EX.  You are "taking her place" in a mother role.. (doesn't matter that you don't have that intent).  Women can be incredibly territorial about their Ex's.  Also by getting to you she can sabotage her Ex's relationship.. what fun.  She is getting back at him.. making him and you miserable.. sowing distrust with her child and you... all great things for a HCBM.

Sparkl3s's picture

It's counterintuitive for you bc you appear to be nice caring person. Unfortunately you have a HCBM and your nice gestures and relationship with the skids are taken as personal attacks to her role as a mom. 

I think you need to be a HCBM to really understand. The BM in my life pretends and has convinced herself she is the best mother. The truth doesn't matter it's what they choose to believe. 

I saw BM as a HCBM and never put myself in a situation where she could do that to my husband. It sucks bc my skids are for the most part a dream. I've also never really fostered a motherly relationship with them. I'm more like a cool aunt. 
The difference is BM doesn't like you and the reason doesn't really matter bc she believes she is right. 

superstepmom1979's picture

you are 100% correct - its not me - its the entire idea, she will have an issue with a cactus as a Stepmom. Still hopeful that things will change on her side for her child's sake. Once can only hope ... its all i got ! 

Thumper's picture

Bm's like this will stop at nothing. That is until the child no longer is staying with dad. Cha chingggg. $$$$

Trailer trash lotto or so I heard it called.

 

 

Texashley33's picture

My SS's BM told SS I poisoned his food, and not to eat anything I cook or put in his lunch box for school. Yet she never gave him lunch money, and blamed my Husband saying since she doesn't get child support anymore, that's why she doesn't have money for his lunches. This was years ago but still makes me mad. She's also a stalker on the internet, and in real life. 

Texashley33's picture

If I were you I would say away from the Step Kid and the crazy BM. It won't get better unless the BM loses custody like ours did ..but at the same time I wish we didn't have full custody bc my SS17 is an a hole. 

Rags's picture

Why tolerate a partner who can't keep their failed family and the failed breeding experiments from that failed family from infecting your life?