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Ignoring the red flags..

WickedStepmother_'s picture

I'll try not to go into too much detail. I live in a soap opera. BM has far too much control. My partner allows it. Their kids are disrespectful and the behavior gets ignored because he doesn't want to deal with BM. We haven't been intimate more than a handful of times in the last year. It doesn't matter that we just had a baby. I'm in my 20s. My sex drive isn't the issue. I've noticed a pattern though. He's drawn to me after a conflict with his BM. I've chosen to ignore that. I ignore the fact that he puts her before anything else. Himself, his kids, me. 
 

I have a friends wedding coming up. It falls on a weekend that he has the kids. Rather than let my mom watch them for a few hours and go with me he's just going to stay home. This will be yet another event that I have to attend by myself because he doesn't want to piss her off. 
 

I'm tired and angry and I feel like packing up and walking away. I'm tired of being put last. He has told me that things could get better for nearly two years. I should have seen it a long time ago and recognized the fact that things will never change. This is just another toxic relationship that I've drawn myself into and now I'm tied to him for 18 year. 

WickedStepmother_'s picture

He gets them every other week plus some major holidays and two weeks out of the summer. We've had them 4th of July and we get them Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas Day, half of Christmas break, and New Years this year. 
 

This coming year he's looking to go back to court and have them every other week plus extra time in summer and holidays. 

Stepmama2321's picture

So he gets them 50/50. I think he sees them enough to justify going to an event with you for ONE night. That's not right at all. 

ndc's picture

Every other week or every other weekend?  It seems odd to go back to court to get extra time in summer and holidays if he already has 50/50

WickedStepmother_'s picture

He wants them every other week and all of summer. She would have them every other weekend during the summer if he gets what he wants. 

ndc's picture

I don't understand.  His kids and BM are making you miserable so he's taking BM to court to get them MORE than 50/50???  I don't see that working out very well for you. You need to get out of this situation - you guys are not in the same book, let alone on the same page.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

Honestly it would be better for the kids. There's zero structure at mom's house. No bedtime, no regular meals, no responsibility. She manipulating and mean to anyone that doesn't just give her what she wants. 
I wouldn't want them more if it were totally up to me but I understand that it's better for them. He would need to be on the same page with me when it comes to parenting or I wouldn't be in the same house as his kids. 

The_Upgrade's picture

How serious are you about walking away if he doesn’t change your spot in the pecking order? My DH did exactly the same because he figured I’ll be upset, but I’ll always be there. These men take the path of least consequence - FOR THEM. Well he had a wake up call after DD was born. Unless he wanted to repeat the BM experience with me and DD he better put me right back up there where I belong. 

WickedStepmother_'s picture

I'm really not sure how much more I can take. I spent the first year of our relationship crying myself to sleep on several occasions. Our first Christmas together I was by myself. I bought the kids Christmas presents but I couldn't see them open them. They couldn't even know they were from me. He went as far as to rewrap them. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Why would he rewrap the presents you bought and wrapped? Why couldn't you see them open the gifts? Why were you by yourself? What the hell

WickedStepmother_'s picture

She said she didn't want me around her kids until she met me. I understood that but she refused to meet me. He rewrapped then because he didn't want to deal with her getting pissed when the kids asked about me. He put them in the same wrapping paper he used. I spent Christmas alone because she made him go to her house for Christmas Day. 

Stepmama2321's picture

Then why did they split if they still want to play family? Anyway, back to your issue. I surely don't have years of wisdom like some of the others here, but I would not stand for SO not being able to arrange to have skids a different weekend or at least just not that night, so he could attend an event with you. I don't think it's selfish of you to expect that. It's one day and it's not something you have control over when the date is. 

ndc's picture

If I was in this situation, I would be very frank with my partner (I'm assuming he's not a husband).  I'd let him know that he is NOT fulfilling my needs and I am prepared to walk out and end the relationship.  Give him the option to go to counseling immediately and try to make the changes necessary to meet your needs.  If he's not willing, or you don't see significant changes within a reasonable period of time, cut your losses and leave him.  Being tied to him through your baby for 18 years is better than being with him and continuing to not have your needs met for a lifetime.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

His parents have recently started pushing marriage at us. They're in their 70s and they told me that I make him the happiest they've seen him in years. I didn't have the heart to tell them that if things keep going in this direction that I see a second divorce in his future. I'm not wasting years of my life on someone that can't even think about my feelings. 

ndc's picture

Well, it's just dandy that HE'S happy.  You sound like you're miserable, and I would be in this situation too.  You need to make it more painful for him to make you unhappy than to fail to do everything BM or the skids want.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

Half the time I feel like I'm just the roommate. There was a time that I had to go stay with my parents when the kids were at his house. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Ha, my DH's parents are in their 70s as well and they were appalled to hear some of the things DH did. I held nothing back. DH was pissed I told them the truth saying they're elderly family orientated people, why did i have to stress them out by airing our (HIS) dirty laundry. His jaw hit the floor when I told him his traditional family orientated dad told me it might get to the point where the only way his idiot son would see how good he had it was to leave. And I would have DH's parents' full understanding and support. 

1dad4kids's picture

This isn't a way to live. Honestly. 

Sit back and picture yourself without him. Picture yourself in a week, in your own apartment unpacking your own things. Maybe it's not much, some furniture from Kijiji and a TV from your Mom. But you're alone. Now picture yourself in a few months. Your place is complete, there are signs of you all over. You're enjoying your favorite show, alone or maybe with a girlfriend. Keep doing this, imagine your life growing and changing without your SO and his kids around. Imagine a year from now, 2 years from now. Imagine you're dating again. 

I bet, you feel relief. Maybe excitement. Maybe nervous. But when you're done imagining, I bet you don't feel sad. Or lost. Or confused. 

Maybe you do, then maybe you do want to live like this.

This is how I broke up with my ex (long before meeting DH). All I can remember is how excited I felt to know I could relax by myself without having anyone but myself to worry about. He didn't have any kids or even animals, just was always there. 

1dad4kids's picture

Maybe the only way to achieve that is to change homes. 

Maybe you can make it work but the kids aren't going anywhere. 

ITB2012's picture

Is it your home? If it doesn't feel like home then it isn't home. Home is where you feel safe and loved and is a refuge. 
You are young and not married. You may be able to sever all ties with him. This is no way to live and fighting to change it is so hard, and it/he may not change. 

Winterglow's picture

I'd get out now, while you can (don't even entertain the idea of marriage). The level of disrespect to you is through the roof and is not going to get any better. He is so terrified of his ex that he will do whatever she wants no matter what the cost to you. Does he not understand the purpose of a CO? He wants you to go to a wedding without him as if you were single? Give him his wish, BE single. 

tog redux's picture

Ugh, definitely don't get married! Seems like you know you made a mistake. Unless he's willing to stop putting BM and the kids over your needs, you don't have much to work with. 

simifan's picture

Sweetie, he has a wife and you are not it. When are you going to get tired of being a second class citizen in this relationship. You deserve better. 

WickedStepmother_'s picture

I keep thinking that waiting it out will make it better but now I'm tied to him with our son. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Imagine if he then had to deal with you as a BM, too! If you do split, show no mercy. Go for max CS and max time with the kids. Make him dance to your tune just like BM does.

Or take the high road, idk. I like to picture these jerks reaping what they sow. I understand wanting to stay together, but you are being treated like a second class sister wife. I'm angry for you.

Rags's picture

Time to give him absolute clarity.   

"Don't make the mistake  of thinking that your escorting me to this wedding is an option.  You are my husband. Your place is at my side.  Your place is not to be the ball-less beck and call bitch for your X. Our marriage is THE only top priority. Your X is not even an afterthought.  The kids, all of the kids, are our top relationship responsibility but never trump our relationship as our shared priority.  So, grow some balls, find a place for your kids, put on your suit and offer me your arm as we not only go to this wedding but as we go through life.  We will never have this talk again and if you fail to grasp the point of this little talk just pack your shit, take BM's kids, GTF out and stay out.  And while you are at it, if you don't fix the shitty behavior of yor failed family breeding mistakes just pack your shit and GTF out now. Love ya! Now, don't I look smokin hot in this dress I bought for the wedding?  Hmmmmm? And btw, if you are too stupid or too weak to man up, you can explain to your parents how you are not man enough to be my DH."

I am sorry you have found yourself in this nightmare of ball-less characterless crap with your SO.  Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your baby from that shallow and polluted gene pool.  Fortuneately the baby has you to offset the shallow and polluted half of its genetic make up.

Good luck.