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Need serious advice

Lefty622's picture

I've been with my fiancé for 4 1/2 years, engaged almost 3 of those. We were supposed to get married January 1st this year but SS18 was sent away because of drug abuse and gave his dad a line of crap that he wanted to be at our wedding so we called it off. (Once he was released from the facility we didn't hear from him and he stole from us so he is not concerned about a relationship with us). 
My fiancé often brings up that he wants us to get married and that we need to plan it soon so we can be married soon. I am always very vague when he brings it up because as much as I love him and want to be with him, the whole situation is wearing on me and I don't know if I should commit to marriage, and I don't know how to say that without crushing him. All is well in his world, mine...well he took a job last December that put him on second shift, 3pm to 12:00am. SD19 lives with us and SD11 lives with us and two of my daughters, 19 and 11. SD19 thinks only about herself and runs around with friends all the time. She basically treats the house like the Holiday Inn, here to sleep, eat and shower and sometimes gone for days in between.  Doesn't help around the house and just eats and drinks everything and does nothing to contribute. SD11 is bossy and mouthy as hell and I've had to put her in check several times. She and my daughter are in the same grade, same school, same classes, and when it comes to homework all she wants to do is argue with me. Long story short, it just feels like I am a single mom again but only times 2 kids to deal with. I work 8am to 5pm, come home and start dinner, sit them down at the table to finish homework, get them fed, and work on homework until 10:00-11:00 at night all the while arguing with SD11 about her homework. She is supposed to go to her BM's every other week but BM "doesn't have room" for her to stay with her and her boyfriend at her boyfriend's parent's house (yes they are both around 40 years old living with his parents). Here nor there, I'm here raising their daughter making sure it all gets done. It was 11:00 tonight before I finished dishes and hadn't eaten or changed out of my work clothes.  I am wearing down. I'm a patient person,  and kind-hearted and feel like a bad person for how I feel about the situation. I resent the SDs and don't want them here. Getting married locks me in to how many more years of this? I love being with my fiancé, when we don't have kids around it is amazing. I just don't know how to say I don't want to get married because of his kids because I know he's in a tough spot having to work nights and not being able to help. But dang it. And I want him to accept my kids and I know they are not saints or easy at times but they are at least respectful. His girls just need to go live with their mom, they don't see their dad anyway. 
How do I even have that conversation with him that marriage just doesn't seem like something I want anymore because of his kids? 

1dad4kids's picture

First off, stop. 

She's 11 years old. You don't need to help her (or your bio) with their homework. Seriously just stop. What is that, 6th grade? I couldn't imagine my parents committing hours to helping me with my hw at that age. I had 5 other siblings, that would have been incredibly selfish of me to expect that. 

She doesn't want to do her homework? So what? She's old enough to take the consequences. You do not need to help. 

If she's kinda slow, hire a tutor. You can find them at the high school for cheap I'm sure. 

Take a shower, change your clothes, watch the news and let the kids handle their own school work. 

Lefty622's picture

You are right! I've been feeling like it is more of a crutch than a help. My daughter does hers for the most part but will ask on a couple of questions and I'm fine with that. SD11 just says "I need help" without even trying. It's time I stop especially if she's just going to argue with me.  My parents didn't sit and help me like this either.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

This has nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with him. It doesn't sound like you don't want the marriage because of his kids. He doesn't sound like he's pulling his weigh in the relationship. This is all behavior that he allows. You're not their parent. You shouldn't have to put up with this behavior from them. Do you see yourself still happy in 7 years or burnt out when all the kids are out of school and on to college or something else?

Kes's picture

I think you just have to say it to him - that you are not wanting marriage because of his kids - it's the truth - it's not a mean thing to say - it needs to be said - it's how you feel.  You shouldn't be working on homework with SD11 until 11pm - that's ridiculous - an 11 yr old should be in bed by 9pm.  Your partner isn't pulling his weight - this needs to be said to him in plain English. 

ndc's picture

Agree with Kes - just be honest with your fiance and tell him exactly how you feel. While you're at it, tell him you will no longer be involved with SD and her homework. Don't help her, and don't fight with her over it. If she doesn't do it, that's her problem. If she needs help, she can call her mother or have her father help her before school the next day.  If her parents can't/won't help her, why should you? Frankly, an 11 year old should be able to do homework herself. As for SD19, your fiance needs to control her or have her move elsewhere. She's an adult, and if she can't behave, follow rules and help around the house, you shouldn't have to live with her.  

Does he have any option to work first shift? Seems like he can't handle his kids while on 2nd shift without you, so getting you tied down through marriage works well for him.  Let him know it doesn't work for you.

Merry's picture

I hate it when someone feels like they can't talk to their partner about their own wants and needs. What do you think will happen? He'll get mad? Leave you? Well, so what? You don't want to be married to someone who doesn't care about your feelings and the things you need.

But I get it. We don't want to make waves, or cause other people discomfort. But that's just not reality. YOU are just as important as he is and the things YOU want and neeed are just as important as his. Sometimes there is conflict in a relationship--can't be avoided.

Find a calm time when the kids aren't around and just tell him. You're exhausted, and the load you're carrying is just too much. You need a launch plan for the 19 year old, and the 11 year old needs to develop some independence. Only then will you consider marriage.

tog redux's picture

You feel bad for him having to work nights, does he feel bad for you? Why does he "have to" work nights?  Does he feel bad enough to tell SD19 to follow rules, contribute to the house or pack up and move out? Does he feel bad enough to tell SD11 that if she doesn't do her homework and listen to you, he will rain hell down on her head, and then follow through with that?  Does he feel bad enough to tell BM that either she takes her dang kid or he's going for full custody and child support? Apparently, he doesn't feel THAT bad.

He's not amazing, he's dumping his parenting on you. Do not marry him, in fact, move out until he has a better plan.

Rags's picture

worse far more often than not.

I applaud that you recognize that you really can't separate the "wonderful" fiance from the crappy father.  So many in the blended family world are completely clueless to that wisdom and then spend the rest of their lives, or at least the rest of the relationship, dealing with the parental failures of the SO.

Now for marriage, if you are going to remain in this relationship, married or not, you will continue to have to deal with your SOs prior family breeding failures. If he won't fix it, it won't ever end.  He has already proven he lacks the testicular fortitude to fix his progenys' crappy behaviors.

What more do you need to know?