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Mini Wife

Stepdrama2020's picture

New on this site. Hello hello everyone! I am happy to have found you all.

I now have a term for my 22 year old stepdaughter . MINI WIFE. 

My step daughter refuses to see her dad with me. So I stay back. There was no blow out. I have known her for ten years now. Her mother hates me. I met my husband after their divorce, but still she blames me. That has rubbed off on the daughter.

The daughter tells my husband what to do and he does it. She never comes to our house, but she still tries to control it. I am talking decorating, renovations. Why does she care, she never comes over. I get angry at my husband because he listens to her. Its like I have no say. We usually argue and I eventually get my way, but still its so ridiculous she has a say. Like when I wanted to redecorate her room, the one she hasnt seen in two years! My husband said she was mad to hear that so dont touch it. That argument he won.

Her birthday is next saturday. I just found out he is taking her for dinner with her mom!!! On saturday night. Of course I am not invited. I feel such resentment towards her. Yet I know my husband is the nutter to go with it.

How do I get through the resentment??

Thank you

stepdrama2020

 

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

A 22-year-old gets to keep her bedroom at Daddeee's house just like she likes it? Oh hell no. Decorate your house as you please. He may be too scared to speak up, but you don't have to be. Make that room into a guest room/office/woman cave, whatever you want!

Stepdrama2020's picture

thank you for responding, and I agree. I am going to bring this up to him. I may start redecorating while he is out on saturday night with the ex wife and mini wife.  I am so mad right now.

Merry's picture

My SD has no trouble telling her father what color to paint our bedroom, what kind of car to buy, when he should visit his sister, what recipe to try, what to name our dog, etc. It drives me bonkers. DH knows by now that if he starts anything with "SD says" I'm going to do NOT THAT. But he doesn't get mad about it these days. Early in our marriage he did.

Your SD should hold exactly zero power in your marriage. Why in the world does she get to dictate whether you can paint her old room or not? And why did your DH even ask her opinion or mention it to her? You and he decide what happens in your house.  It's not a shrine to SD.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Thank you I will use those words  Its not a shrine to SD . I assume that means step daughter.

CLove's picture

SDnow21, Feral Forger, when she turned 18 and graduated high school, the visitation schedule stopped. It was assumed that she would stay with us, but she got a job a few towns over and since she doesnt drive, she would stay with someone. Basically she ghosted us and left her dank rank room with all her stuff. It was like a storage locker for 7 months.

One day, DH was getting things to throw away for a dump run. I had had enough of storing ungrateful SD21's crap. So, I TOLD him (did not ask), that we were going to clean out Feral Forgers room that day. He took an electric bed base, the mattress, 2 dressers, a bookcase, a vanity, a chair, and 3-4 bags of trash. I binned a few things. The rest was donation.

Was Feral Forger SD21 mad? OH CERTAINLY. I took the door off, put in a beautiful writing desk, a 55 gallon fish tank, some trees and plants, my little objects. I filled the closets with my coats and sweaters and silk blouses, hats, shoes and purses. Its known as "my room", and everyone kind of hangs out there.

When FF SD21 wanted to move back in about a year ago, she told DH "can I please have my old room back? I know its cloves office. Can you put me ahead of your stupid wife for once?"

His response was "you need to work things out with Clove".

Crickets.

SO - make that room YOURS> Biggrin

Stepdrama2020's picture

I will put this in my memory bank  thank you

CLove's picture

Welcome to the site! Hello back. We are happy to see you - this club that no one wants to belong to.

I now have a term for my 22 year old stepdaughter . MINI WIFE. 

Ugh. Thats a hard one to overcome, it is much better to deal with early on. Daughter-wife, miniwife, emotional incest...so many names so little time.

My step daughter refuses to see her dad with me. So I stay back. There was no blow out. I have known her for ten years now. Her mother hates me. I met my husband after their divorce, but still she blames me. That has rubbed off on the daughter.

Staying back - we do this subconciously, because most often we dont know quite how to deal with this, and further our partners often blameshift and gas light, so we think that we are crazy for feeling how we feel. And it gradually gets worse over time until somehow, we dont know HOW it happened, but we are inexplicably filled with resentment. That we somehow have to deal with. Alone.

Firstly, SD refusing to see her dad without you is emotional blackmail. Your husband should not have acquiesced to her demands of having him all to herself without his WIFE. Your place is by his side. As his WIFE. You should not have "stayed back". That gave her too much power.

The daughter tells my husband what to do and he does it. She never comes to our house, but she still tries to control it. I am talking decorating, renovations. Why does she care, she never comes over. I get angry at my husband because he listens to her. Its like I have no say. We usually argue and I eventually get my way, but still its so ridiculous she has a say. Like when I wanted to redecorate her room, the one she hasnt seen in two years! My husband said she was mad to hear that so dont touch it. That argument he won.

Again, its about POWER. You are the woman of the house. Take back your power. Take over that room. No argument necessary, just do it. Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Explain the logic later. She doesnt stay there. This is YOUR house. Have a VERY long heart to heart talk with your husband about what that means. She is his DAUGHTER, not to be elevated to WIFE status. You are his wife. He is very confused if he continues this ridiculousness.

Her birthday is next saturday. I just found out he is taking her for dinner with her mom!!! On saturday night. Of course I am not invited. I feel such resentment towards her. Yet I know my husband is the nutter to go with it.

Ok, so he is going on a double-date with his daughter and ex, without you his WIFE. Why exactly did he leave BM? Why exactly did he marry you. This would be a hard no. Sure he can have his relationship with his DD away from you and your home, somewhere else, but NOT with ex present. You need to really address all of this. Exactly who has your husbands balls in their purse?????

How do I get through the resentment??

You either leave or stay. You address all this with your husband. You do not merely stand back in the shadows, like a ghost that only comes out when convenient. You absolutely speak out.

Stepdrama2020's picture

thank you for the well thought out comments. All of this makes sense. The part I cannot get past is now the ex tags with them. I am angry and I will bring it up. This is new, or so I think. A few months ago he slipped up the ex was there, and when I questioned him he retracted it somehow. My eyes are opening up for sure.

How it got this way, I am not sure. Lately he texts more secretly and I feel uneasy. 

 

CLove's picture

The ex being involved, hes getting sneaky...

Do you really want to be the marriage police?

I think you need to go really "scorched earth" on your husband.

Stepdrama2020's picture

is soon to be released. Glad women on here are so supportive. Also the validation makes me feel less cray cray.

TX2step's picture

When he got home from date night with his family. All of princesses belongings would be on the front lawn. Then you remind him you are the wife, not the child. And if he ever forgets his place in your life, his stuff goes next. Sorry guys you know I'm jaded to the mini wife stephell.

Stepdrama2020's picture

its your reality and its mine.  Lots of conversations to come.  I worry he is with the ex too. If that is the case I no longer want to be married 

Thank you everyone

 

 

Rags's picture

Your birthday is sacrosanct.

If he abandons you on your birthday for a manipulated reunion of his failed prior family he needs to understand that his key will not work when he returns home and he will be looking for his next wife.

PERIOD! DOT!

Do not tolerate one more second of this crap and make sure you have the most vicious killer shark of a cutthroat lawyer ready to destroy this ball-less wonder of a non man.

smh

StrawberryPie's picture

I am so mad for you!  This birthday dinner w the ex - ugh, I'd be seeing red!!  That would be absolutely over the line for me.  If he goes on sat, not only would that adult girls room be redone to my liking, but that would be the last time he would ever get to sleep in my bed.

Kes's picture

My DH would not agree to go to any meal or occasion from which I was specifically excluded, even if it is a SKID's birthday.  Sometimes I say I won't be going but I am ALWAYS invited.    You don't have to collude with your own exclusion.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Everyone your comments are what I was thinking. My husband makes me feel that I am ridiculous and jealous. I am not. The validation has made me realize that if he goes on saturday with his ex our relationship will be done . I read these comments to my sister and she said these ladies know what they are talking about and I agree. My family do not think much of my husband. My sister thinks he is arrogant.  They  do not enjoy the step daughters company either, snotty and cold. Mind you they havent seen her for two years and she  has s yet to thank them for christmas gifts. My sister said no way is she getting a birthday gift from her anymore either.  

Wish me luck on our next  conversation.

hereiam's picture

It's not about you being jealous (we know that you are not), it's about his disrespect and inconsideration for his WIFE. Which he just compounds by making you feel that you are being ridiculous. Which is called gaslighting, by the way, and is a form of manipulation.

Thisisnotus's picture

If I were you.....while they are all at the birthday dinner....I would be taking SDs room apart.....put it all in boxes in the garage.....end of story.

 

ElleP23's picture

OP, what ended up happening?... if you care to share or are still on here. ( @Stepdrama2020 ) I'm so curious how this turned out!

This thread is validating for me too because years back my stepkid's mom was telling my DH that he has to have lunches and the like with his original family (and I can't come), and I put my foot down but felt unsure if I was doing the right thing or being selfish. One friend I had (who, when a teenager herself many years back, had treated her stepmom like shit and refused to step foot in her dad's new house, all at her own mom's direction) told me that I should NOT get in the way of those family outtings. I was so confused. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I just looked at this comment. I ended up kicking him out. I also found out he was having an affair with BM. When I kicked him out he went straight back to BM and the mini wife.  You were smart to stop the lunches and being excluded. It is not normal.