I am not sitting here writing this to get sympathy or make anyone feel sorry for me. I just felt the need to vent about something that is for the most part not step related. Now I know 2020 has been hard for everyone, there is not one person in this whole globe that is not affected in a direct or indirect way. For me, my hard year started in August 2019 and for the most part has been nothing but basically a shit storm since then. August 2019 my cousin committed suicide then two months later I lost my great grandmother (she lived to 94 though!) and now I just lost my other great grandmother (lived to 92!). Now I know I have been lucky to have met not only 2 great grandparents, but I actually got to meet 4 of mine. While sad by the passing of the two older relatives, I know they got to live a long life and that is awesome. I feel more saddened by the loss of the great grandmother that just passed for my grandma who because of her mother testing positive for COVID-19 a few weeks ago did not get to see her before passing. Now I know this is true for many many families who have not been able to see their loved ones who were diagnosed with COVID, but for my grandmother who lost her granddaughter that she actually raised as more of a daughter since my uncle’s divorce, then her MIL who she was her caretaker for the last 3 years, and now her mother who due to mental illness in addition to dementia was horrible to her for a long long time, she didn’t have any closure or chance to say goodbye. I am thankful my family has decided to cremate my G-Grandma and wait until COVID-19 gets better to spread her ashes in NY then my other G-Grandma’s ashes in PA. We were supposed to do this in July when the whole family came up, but due to COVID my FL family stayed home instead of coming up, so anyone would be stupid to travel there right now.

.

I have been unhappy in my job and wanting to go back to the field I was in 5 years ago and I started looking for a new job in August 2019, but due to my cousin’s passing, I stopped to go to FL for 2 weeks to be with my family. Since my boss paid half my vacation time without having to use PTO, I decided to stay for a while longer out of gratitude. Continuing on my journey of bad year, a few days after my great grandma passed in October 2019, bf went to court and his rights were disestablished to BM’s older child who he thought was his for 3 years, but really was not. At this point since I get 2 weeks paid vacation at Christmas time plus a bonus, I decided to stay at my job until after getting back from our trip to the west coast at the end of January. When we returned in the beginning of February, I started looking for a job in the other field again, then bam COVID happened, so my search got delayed again. Now since we have less than a year staying in this state plus COVID still going on I have decided to stay at the job I am at until we leave especially since at that point I have been with my company for almost 3.5 years and looks better than getting a new job I will be at less than a year.

On top of the family losses, bf’s loss of the BM’s older child, staying in a job I do not want to be in, my health has SUCKED this year. I have asthma, which usually once or twice a year, I have really bad flare ups that result in getting lots of steroids, breathing treatments, etc. that in about a week or two I am back on the up and up and good to go. Since COVID, March time frame to now, I have been in urgent care 4 times. Each time the doctor has told me if I don’t get better in two days I will have to go to the ER because that’s how bad I am. I have been on the steroids that give me insomnia because it is the only thing that makes me better quick enough, been on more breathing treatments in the last 5 months than the last 5 years, and each time I seem to get better, about a week later it starts to flare up again. On top of the asthma I have a B12 level of an 80 year old woman or a vegan and I have one more lab to go through before the doctor decides if I have to get B12 shots at a minimum of once a month. Because my health insurance switched the arthritis specialist (rheumatologist) I have been seeing is no longer in my network and I have to find a new one. AKA I am just a hot mess health wise, but at least I don’t have COVID, cancer, or anything like that.

I am not going to elaborate on this because it is a lot to get into, but since March my bf’s job has been super stressful not only on him, but causing stress on me and at home too. Between command changes, pay problems, day care problems, other departments not doing their job so my bf can do his job, lack of communication, drama, etc. that has created a whole other whirlwind of stress that is still going on now and most could be avoided if others did what they are supposed to do.

Plus, as you all know all the drama from BM, custody battle, legal battle, divorce, etc. All that nonsense on top of everything else.

Alright, bitch fest is over. While the last 12 months have been super sucky I am super thankful for:

-Still having a job and never being out of work due to COVID

-Having health insurance

-My boyfriend who has not only been there through all of this with me, but has made life better each and every day. Who also respects not only me, but our relationship without me telling him to.

-Having a good hearted and well-behaved SD

-Having a roof over my head and well all the essentials needed for living (food, clothing, electric, etc.)

-Having my family even though I cannot see most of them right now and the ones I can see not being able to see them as much as I would like to. Plus, having met as many family members as I have when many don’t even meet grandparents, let alone great grandparents

-Most of my family being healthy and safe (I say most because of the recent family deaths)

-Being for the most part healthy

I could go on, but then this blog will be even longer than it already is. What I am getting at is that even at the worst of times there are things to be thankful for and appreciative of. If I had to say honestly, the last 12 months have been the hardest in my life. I have absolutely had some really great times in the toughest of times too. It would not have been possible without the amazing support system of my bf, my family, and my friends though. If anyone wants to either vent about their frustrations with the last year or 2020 you are welcome to. Or if you rather share what you are thankful for, that is welcome too. I had been pushed to write this post after an acquaintance of mine responded to something I posted on social media saying how my life looks so “wonderful and fun.” Which just got me thinking how social media portrays only what you want it to. Don’t get me wrong I have lots of wonderful and fun going on, but I also chose not to post about any of the negativity of the other stuff. People don’t realize what goes on behind closed doors or in people’s personal lives except for what you share either publicly or what you chose to share personally.