New and in a dysfunctional arrangement
Hello! I am new to this site. Finally made an account after quite a bit of lurking. I have been trying to find a place where I can relate to people with step parenting for quite a few years now. I have been a step parent for 4 years, SS was in Kindy and SD a toddler when I first arrived into their lives as SM figure. The BM I deal with is very high conflict. It’s because of her my life has not been easy with falling in love with DH.
In saying that, my hubby and I have a great marriage. I feel we have battled a lot together in our early years dealing with his kids and his ex, and it has made us stronger. It was not easy when I first got with him. Now, this is where it’s dysfunctional and gets a bit complicated and I apologise if you get confused!
I met BM and DH through my sister a long time ago. My sister has a partner and BM is his daughter (so technically my sister is a SM to BM). So for a long time I used to see them come and go through family catch ups sometimes. The kids were babies back then. Anyway long story short, BM cheated and broke up with DH, and I connected with him a few years later when he and I were single. It was not planned at all us falling in love, but it happened and we have never been happier.
Now, my sister is still to this day with her partner (BM’s dad). BM is the thorn in literally all of our lives. It’s a ripple effect in the entire family when she plays her manipulative, narcissistic games. It mainly affects my family as my sister and I get the full brunt of it. I suppose you could say my sister is BM’s SM but she refuses to take that role. I think because she disengages from BM, and wants nothing to do with her and only focuses on her own children (from previous marriage), partner and helps him with his grandkids (my step kids - haha again so sorry if this is confusing!).
So, as I said it’s been hard over the years. BM is nasty. She gets joy out of disrupting people’s lives. She is toxic, and very immature. She has no maternal instinct for her children, and uses them as pawns. BM is impossible to communicate with unless you kiss her butt basically. I have never in my life met a more vial and poisonous person. Everything she does is a game play motive to one up on a person. Any person she feels threatened by, god help them. Myself and my sister are her favourite targets as we are her dads partner and her ex’s wife.
You would think my sister and I would stick together battling all of this, but unfortunately BM’s dad condones her behaviour. BM is his ‘Mini wife’ basically and he laps up her crap and supports her over my sister constantly. This has led to my sister seeing she has no choice but to turn her back on me to support her partner more times than I can count and it affected our relationship a lot. I don’t like that her partner treats my sister like this, and I am shocked she put up with it for so long. BM told her dad lies about DH and I, and my sister tried to block it out on both her partner and us, and instead just went into a shell I think. I think she got some counselling, and I did as well. This all happened around the time of my wedding with DH, and it was so stressful and sad. I really really detest BM.
It’s tough when family turns on you and the reason behind it is that one toxic person who manipulates the whole thing. So thanks to BM I’ve shed many tears of frustration, anger, and resentment in my early years of being with DH. Especially when this has affected me personally losing my sister for a year to it. Not to mention while she is ruining my sisters life, she also is game playing with DH regarding the kids. To her credit, instead of DH and I falling apart, he took my hand and we battled it together. The only reason I never left was because he supported me and had my back the entire time. So in a way she has fallen on her own sword trying to break us up over the years.
Fast forward now nearly 4 years later, things have improved. My sister and I are now have a great relationship again, but she is still with BM’s dad and he still condones his toxic daughter. I don’t know how she stands it, but it’s not my battle and it’s for her to deal with. I deal with BM as a toxic ex, while my sister deals with her as a toxic SD mini wife.
So again sorry for the complicated back story, but it’s good to vent, and I hope to share with you my experiences in the future. I feel I am hitting another hurdle of step parenting as the kids are getting older. This blog post is mainly about back story with BM, but I do want to vent about the kids too.. so indeed watch this space. Thanks for reading!