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Sad Day

Stressed19's picture

I will try to make this as short as possible. Remet my bofriend. Over 6 years ago.. (We were high school friends also, now in our 40's).We both went through seperation and remet right after our previous relationship failed.

Situation changes in last 2 years, have a biochild that is now 4, he has 2 kids from 2nd girlfriend that now have a one week on/off schedule, his sonnow 17, from his 1st wife, which lives and had lived his entire life in Virgina with biomom, decides to move in with us in I in 2018 and stays for 2 years without any financial contrbution from bio-mom.

The kids are not the problem, absolutely no complains. I am very patient and they are great kids! Not the issue. The problem.is that my fiancee does not communicate with me. When son came to live with us, I found out when he came to visit one summer and never left!!! My fiancee lost his home, so I purchased a 2nd home not far from my 1st home where my now 25 year old lives... She was 21 when I moved in with my fiancee...... I am very resourceful with my money. So it did NOT sit well with me when son moved in and I was not consulted nor did his biomom pay any child support. Fiancee lost his home andcwhy I purchased a second home or what I thought wouod be "our" family.

But I tolerated it because that is what I do. Fiancee lost his job in Feb, 2020. He is not lazy. I'll get to the point, I DO NOT WANT HIS SON HERE ANYMORE and would like him to not return from his visiting his biomom for the summer! This has caused a storm!!!!!! He is angry!!! Of course he called me a lot of hurtful names....  I thought son would live upon graduating HS.. Not the case, college plans, again all just assumed without me!!!! I think that lack of acknowledging me and not taking me into consideration is what flipped tha switch! I have become angry and resentful. I mention the fact that I to have grown kids and have chosen to make them my priority as he has made his....... Am I wrong???

 

tog redux's picture

Are you wrong to demand a say in who lives in your home? No, not at all. How would he feel if you just let your 25-year-old move in without even consulting him?

Not sure why you haven't gotten married yet, but I'd suggest you don't until this can be worked out.

Stressed19's picture

Given both are my houses, I do not feel that I need to consult with him!!! But obviously I am not ignorant and always try to share and communicate with my significant other as I feel this is what a strong relationship should consist of..... He says that he woukd never do this to me nor deny my kids live with us..... Ummm we are not a traditional family..... I have 3 kids, he has 4.... One is out of state college..... The son that is coming back for HS... The other two are on a week on/off schedule, so doable.... I love the week they leave because I can do as I please!!! Nothing personal with the kids at all!!! So having his son from out of state biomom here 24/7 is not what I wanted! Ugh... He grew up with biomom, came to visit summer of 2018 and never left!!!!!!!

tog redux's picture

Well, no matter who owns the homes, in a partnership I think people need to consult each other about someone living in the home full-time.

Winterglow's picture

Of course you're not wrong! Was your bf at least paying 2/3 of all the bills while his son was mooching?

As your bf is not happy with the situation, I'd kick the pair of them out and let them fend for themselves. The home is yours to do what you will with and you absolutely have the last word in who lives there!

Stressed19's picture

He pays all the utilities for house #2, minus the mortgage. He paid a few times, but mostly me as I know his finacial situation and I did pay off my home #1.... I see it as a savings as I can sell the home and get my money back and a way of helping him...

Well, his kid flying in today.. I am so upset! Not the kid's fault, but I plan on disappearing the whole cday....do not want to be in my own home, #2.. What I am doing now, packing a few things going to home #1....

 

Winterglow's picture

I think this is one time that you should be through... tell the kid that he is not staying beyond a week.. This is your home and you have every right to make unilateral decisions about who gets to live there. Stand up for what you want! 

Stressed19's picture

I feel bad to address the son/17... Like I said it is nothing personal.... Biomom knows the father is not working and still sends him back..... Why bio mom agreed to pay monthly child support now, kid has been with us for 2 years, now she wants to pay??? And this bec I put my foot down!!!!

I am.upset with my fiancee, not disvussing any further. I was very clear about what I want!!!! But I appreciate,  hearing that I am entitled to feel the way that I do!!!! Ty

 

SteppedOut's picture

He hasn't worked since FEBRUARY? 

I mean, I know "covid"....but still. Nothing yet??? Plenty of companies are hiring. 

I would be feeling very very used. 

tog redux's picture

He's probably getting unemployment, which is a very generious amount right now (provided they are in the US).  He should still be able to help a lot with bills if so.

SteppedOut's picture

If I am not mistaken, the additional federal unemployment bump has now expired. Generous unemployment or not, he should have been trying to secure employment. 

But yes, he should have been helping in any way possible financially, especially since he brought his son in to her home without even discussing it. 

Sorry to say OP, but you would be better off emotionally and financially without this guy and his nearly adult son. 

tog redux's picture

Agreed, but the fact that he doesn't have a job doesn't mean he had no income.  She also doesn't say he wasn't looking for one.

Depending where he lives, it may be hard to find a job. The unemployment numbers aren't high for no reason - many jobs have been lost.

The federal unemployment expired yesterday.

BethAnne's picture

 I do think that throwing someone out of their home with little to no notice is not particularly fair. So I feel that informing your SS's dad while the ss is away that his son is not to return is too short notice for everyone. 

Having said that your fiance has unilaterally made decisions that directly affect you without consulting you either in the past.

Communication is not a strong point for you two I am guessing. I would see a marriage therapist together to work on your collective communication skills. 

If your fiance is willing to work with you on communication then in your position I might be willing to compromise and allow his son a short time frame to transition to living elsewhere so that he has time to either find a job and an appartment local to you or to move to his mother's house. Anywhere from 2 to 6 months would seem reasonable to me, though most tenant laws give tenants only 30 days notice and could also be aruged as being resonable. 

If your fiance is not willing to compromise and insists on having his son stay with him, then you have some tough decisions to make. 

The_Upgrade's picture

So your fiance decided to let someone live in your house without discussing it with you. Imagine if you flipped it around and decided who doesn't get to live in your house without discussing it with him. But it's your house and you get the final say. Your relationship may not survive kicking his son out but it probably won't survive him staying uninvited either. If attempts to talk it out ends up with him verbally abusing you and guilt trips to get his way then time to have a serious think about whether fiance is husband material. 

Thumper's picture

What a bunch of moochers. First it's bad enough your not protected in any way because your not married. Secondly, you are the one who is buying the homes EVERYONE is living in.

It's up to you to hit the reset button.

Make a statement. Your homes are no longer halfway homes for adult kids. By September 1, everyone is out.  OR they sign a binding contract that is a renters agreement. Costs for rent, utilities, cable, water and renters rules while they live in YOUR home. With that contract comes your option to evict.

You said your boyfriend was mad.....? He has no say in property he is not part owner of.

At first glance---all of them are mooching off of you and you allowed it..

Maybe there is more to the story.

I hope they start to respect you since you are providing a free roof over their heads. I suspect you will have to demand that one way or another.

 

 

Harry's picture

At your home since Feb.  you will have to give him a 30 day notice to move.  If he is not out you must go to court to get him out.  If DH does not like that. 30 day notice for DH too.

1wonder woman's picture

You two are not married yet but you are engaged living together... that being said right now yes you do have the upper hand because you own the home, Now after you two get married that is when things will change. That house will become his too.. no more this is my house my money my car or his kid my kid or my debt or his debt. Nope when you get married you two become a WE... united as one. Our home... our car... our debt and our KIDS! Someday you have to remember once you two get married that house will be his too and in his eyes it is his home and his sons home too and that might be how he is feeling right now especially if you two are living together. When you marry a man that has kids your home becomes his kids home too their second home. But your fiance should be communicating with you yes he absolutely should be before making important decision without including you especially when it comes to your home and his kid. Good communication is the key to making any relationship work especially when there are step kids this is when it is so important that you two communicate and work together as a team and always stay on the same page. I also know we all have a dark side and sometimes we say mean hurtful things that we normally would never say.  But I know those words can hurt just as bad as a fist hitting you in the face. Mean words never go away those words will replay over and over in your head. When he becomes angry with you that does not give him the right to hurt you with his mean words and trust me he will do this again! You must demand respect or you will not get it!! You two need to sit down have him write down 5 things that make him unhappy in this relationship and 5 things that make him happy in the relationship and you do the same thing..you can also write down a suggestion beside the things that make you unhappy or happy on what to do next time to make you happier.. Once you two are finished writing your lists down next you two exchange papers. Then walk away and you both must promise to read what is written on those pieces of paper and then you two must promise you will work on making each other happier. This really helps open up communication without getting into a huge argument. Try to sit down and do this once a month it really works!! You both also need to learn to comprise too one person cannot have all the eggs in his or hers basket or someone will not be happy. 

I own the home that my BF and I live in I have lived in this house for 30 years and he pays the utilities and the property taxes and I too pay help pay as well. Once we got into a argument and I told my SO this is my house and in my house when your kid comes in that front door you are going to take her cell phone away from her.because she has been secretly recording us allowing her mom to spy on us.  Well he became so angry at me... not because I wanted to take away his kids phone... no when I said "THIS IS MY HOUSE"!! He said he became so angry hearing those words he felt like I was rubbing it in his face this is my house not your house and I came off as being a mean bully.  He said my words THIS IS MY HOUSE hurt his feelings deeply and made him feel like this is not his home and I could kick him out one day if we ever get into another argument. Once I realized my words deeply hurt him I never say this is my house anymore. I want my home to be his home and his childrens home too.  We do live together and I do feel like we are a married couple already... but then I too worry about my future with this man because what you are going through I too go be facing someday. Someday one of his three kids could suddenly walk in the door want to live with us and who knows maybe not have a job or maybe have a drug problem or be pregnant.Lets hope not!!  But we never know what our future holds for us... I have read some of the horror stories on here that some people have went through and trust me it scares me and I worry about the what if's... I really do.