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Stuck In The Middle

Hopeful8690's picture

Hi everyone,

I am 29 with three girls of my own. When I met my fiancé I had two daughters and so did he, now we have a 4 month old baby girl. However, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a mess since we can't seem to blend with his teenage daughters and my (11,7) year old daughters. Long story short he has been in and out of jail most of their lives as well as their mother who hasn't been in the picture and is currently an alcoholic/drug addict as well as restrained. When I met him he was the sweetest and I thought he was changed so I gave it a shot and feel like I got myself in a hole. His 13yo offered weed to my 11yo a few months ago and has a really bad attitude, recently ran away twice and affiliated with people like her parents pretty much. His 16yo recently recovered from smoking weed and Xanax addiction but does suffer from anger probs as well as anxiety/depression. Her anger is to the point that she hits the walls. I love my fiancé, but now we live separate because I didn't want my own daughters having this environment. Am I wrong? He says I'm not being supportive. He's been calm his own self but he used to have anger issues to the point of calling me names but he hasn't in about two months now. Sometimes I feel he's playing the part himself because he has nowhere to take them and they're officially under his care now since I have a clean record :/

Comments

Kes's picture

No, no my dear you are not wrong at all!  Well done for getting your own place, your fiance's life and that of his ex and his kids sounds like utter chaos.  Don't be pulled into that and don't let him guilt you into the idea that you're "not being supportive" - what a load of caca.  Personally I would also end the engagement until he can show you several years of behaving well.  

Gimlet's picture

Long story short he has been in and out of jail most of their lives as well as their mother who hasn't been in the picture and is currently an alcoholic/drug addict as well as restrained. When I met him he was the sweetest and I thought he was changed so I gave it a shot and feel like I got myself in a hole.

Do NOT marry this guy!  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

He's been calm his own self but he used to have anger issues to the point of calling me names but he hasn't in about two months now

Two months isn't very long and I very much doubt he's changed.  I would get a consultation with a lawyer so you know what to expect in terms of custody if you think this guy will want visitation with your baby. 

Too many young women take on these project men.   You have your three children to worry about.  Stay living separate and consider some counseling as well.  You need to be strong and whole to be able to raise these kids and you don't need a man baby and his troubled children too.

ITB2012's picture

And he probably hasn't changed. You haven't seen him much and he's playing the game until he doesn't have to anymore. 

notarelative's picture

You are not wrong. Your eleven and seven year old should not be exposed to the environment you described.

If you have not yet, you should find a narcotics anonymous family group in your area. Your fiancé is an adult. You need to understand what that means for now and the future as you have a four month old child with him. 

Stay living separately. Do not move back with him. You may want to consult a lawyer regarding your four month old. The rights and obligations of unmarried fathers vary by state. Knowing the legal possibilities is better than not knowing. 

The above is predicated on the belief that his jail record is drug related. But, if his record is related to his anger or another reason, the only recommendation I'd change is the narcotic anonymous meeting. That you could skip. The stay separate and see a lawyer are still things you should do.

ndc's picture

You are not wrong.  Frankly, I think you would be very wrong, and doing a huge disservice to your children, if you lived with him.  I would be doing my best to extricate myself from this relationship.  Love isn't enough.