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Princess demands

dolly1's picture

newbie here.

Adult Stepdaughter is now 19 years old ,  lives with her mum and has been on furlough throughout lockdown from her part time job.  DH and I have a joint account for bills,  then one for my money and one for his money.  I've taken a 65% paycut since the start of lockdown but been working since the start.  

SD had a travel allowance from husband pre lockdown to help her get to uni,  it was agreed on by both of us at the time to support her.  Since the start of lockdown she's been rude,  demanding and her already out of control social media addiction has got out of control.  She's basically been getting her baps out for an audience of overseas random men that she's been gathering as followers using her public profile.  I've had a ding-dong with her after she published identifying photos of our home and her location etc (Think showing off trying to make herself look good but inviting burglars to our house) She's now ignoring me and blocked me.  Not a problem at all,  we've got security,  it's just really disrespectful to plaster the details of MY home online.  

She's your classic abusive step daughter.  if she doesnt get her own way with my husband she punishes him by witholding contact,  she rallies the rest of the family against him (Grandma is always on her side stroking her ego,  this is a big problem) and eventually she'll rock up for anything we're paying for,  a meal out,  a holiday etc.  He caves,  I sit there fuming at her general sense of entitlement and rudeness.  

She's now started bleating to my husband that she needs work done on her car and I can see him starting to crack.  He's started mentioning starting her "allowance again,  just to help her out".  Hell no.  She's 19 years old,  hasnt lifted so much as a brain cell since June when Uni ended and hasnt left her front door except to go and break lockdown regs partying with her friends.  That does not need a petrol allowance.  She could go and get a part time job tomorrow for the summer ,  they're still recruiting round here and she has 3 months off before she returns to uni.

Meanwhile I'm currently earning less than my husband (normallly I earn more) and insisting he tells her that our household income has taken a hit and she needs to learn a bit of respect. Respect the family values and you get a bit of respect back.  

Any thoughts anyone?  I appreciate I'm stuck with a Daddy's girl (I read the article on her earlier) and probably just left to grit my teeth and bear it.  

Kes's picture

I thought you were from the UK when you mentioned baps, lol - there's not that many of us here.  If your DH is anything like mine he may come to his senses eventually and stop enabling his grown-assed daughter who is perfectly capable of shifting for herself, she just chooses to be a lazy bitch.  She has been an adult for a year and he wants to give her an allowance?  eff that. 

dolly1's picture

Thanks Kes! And yes I am! (Sorry, only just worked out I could reply to you) 

 

I feel like I've found my people on here. I tried that other well known parents advice for a while and got battered for even thinking of having an opinion on step children 

Merry's picture

This is a perfect time for your DH to help his daughter learn how to be a grownup. We all have experienced economic downturns. Instead of acting like there isn't a financial hardship going on it your house now, he needs to embrace it and explain it to his selfish kid.

Protecting an adult from an adult fact of life that will affect her is not a kindness. An allowance at 19 for any reason is absurd. I don't mind helping my kids financially when they're working their asses off and need some help due to an unexpected expense, but if they're not trying to take care of their own business first, I'm certainly not going to take care of it for them.

dolly1's picture

Phew! I'm glad you all agree. The allowance is a total farce. I get that she's at uni for all of 9 months of the year and 2 days a week but in my day everyone worked round the clock shifts at Mcdonalds day to get by. She works a grand total of 16 hours a week part time. So technically she still has more free time than us to earn a few bob.

I'm all for her learning the hard facts of life. This could be the worst recession any of us have ever seen and she thinks she'll be Kim K n 6 months and creaming a living from Instagram. The reality is that there's 100's of thousands of girls all trying the same sad gig on the gram. 3,000 followers and mostly men in the Far East following her. No special interest other than cleavage photos and bikini poses that she photoshops. 
 

that's fine, just keep the home and all identifiers out of it! Husband is slowly caving in to her demands and saying that when she is ultimately made redundant from her part time job (hospitality, the industry is on the floor right now) the only thing she'll have is her allowance. 
 

 

Merry's picture

Does she know that future employers will look at her social media when they're evaluating her as a job candidate?  I'm sure not going to hire someone with a demonstrated lack of judgment.

dolly1's picture

We've tried to tell her that, but she says she doesn't want our advice. Just money from us. She doesn't get that family is a two way street 

dolly1's picture

She also won't take a student loan because she doesn't want to be in debt when she leaves. Her choice. But get a job then 

youdonotdefineme's picture

Your DH should tell her allowance is stopping unless she cuts her attitude and stops promoting your home as some kind of knocking shop

 

dolly1's picture

Yep. All of this.

 

at the moment step daughter hasn't acknowledged any of my requests to get in a room and talk about it calmly as adults and find a point of negotiation. She told her brother she's done nothing wrong and her dad agreed so I've been scapegoated already 

 

 

dolly1's picture

I'm trying to. The joke is that her mum's house hasn't seen so much as a whiff of emulsion since my husband left 10 years ago so it's not photo worthy. We're not living in a penthouse by any stretch of the imagination but it's modern enough. 
 

the Instagram generation will get a big wake up call in about 3 years when they realise that looking pretty doesn't get you anywhere 

Harry's picture

GM is should be giving her money to give her the life she wants.  Not you.  I can see 100 to get her started and that it for a 19 yo going onto 35 

dolly1's picture

Good point.

 

the irony is that Grannie ruled with a rod of iron when my husband was a teenager 

dolly1's picture

Good point.

 

the irony is that Grannie ruled with a rod of iron when my husband was a teenager 

Movingonisbest's picture

Sounds like your SD needs to get two jobs. My ex tried saying he needed to help his daughter more so he should give her a certain amount of money every month and just look at it as child support. For a 24+ year old?? Hell no. I would have left him. In the end I left him. None of his adult kids worked enough to take care of themselves and were always looking for handouts. I definitely wasn't dealing with a bunch of leeches so that is part of the reason I left him.

Miss T's picture

You haven't mentioned them (or I can't read) but unless you have young'uns who rely on you to keep a roof over their heads, I would leave this sh!t show.

You might offer him a choice first: She goes or I go. It might be possible to turn this ship around, but it will take a lot of time and effort even in the unlikely event that he throws Princess Baps out tomorrow. So be prepared to follow up on your threat, because I can guarantee the outcome with this type of spineless, goolies-less male.

CLove's picture

Luckily DH doesnt enable his adult bratola Feral Forger, thats her mothers job.

She doesnt have a license to drive a car (which is crucial here in California), she hasnt had a job in over a year, she has no intention of getting a job, and has her friends to shuttle her around and spend money on her. Oh, and did I mention that she is 21 and has no intention or plan on going to college????

DH is not very proud of that one. Im hoping that SD14 will be the good one...Ive also no bios of my own and was thinking at one time of including the SD14 in my will, but lately have realized that I need to step back (step aside).

I hope things look up for your economy soon...we are very hard hit. BM, Toxic Troll also doesnt work, she just collects money.

dolly1's picture

We have one of those

 

BM works the bare minimum at 16 hours a week, takes over and above maintenance for the younger SS and tells the children all the time that their dad doesn't do enough 

roseanne-cleaver's picture

Hide some money away so hubby can feel the effects of his dd empting his pockets.
and then when all is said and done go take yourself a vacation. lol

Powerfamily's picture

Years ago there was a SM on here who used to remove the same amout of money from the account into her saving account everytime her DH gave money to his brat.   She built up quite a saving account because of it before he realised how much money he was giving his adult child.

dolly1's picture

things moved on a pace over the festive period.  Princess broke lockdown rules again (6h time that we know of) just before the christmas period (at the time we were due to be allowed over 70's relatives into our home to visit) so she totally screwed the entire families plans for a bunk up with some bloke she'd seen on/off all year.  '

Fortunately our PM locked down everyone and scrapped that rule a few days before christmas so nobody lost out but when I found out that all of her relatives except for us and her dad knew of the breach and didnt tell us (I mean you're none the wiser,  you just catch covid huh?) I backed him up when he told her how irresponsible she'd been.  

He's now been told that I have no right to voice any opinion,  that I've overstepped the line and he can't see how bad my behaviour is.  So that's the line firmly drawn.  Its fine for me buy a nice big house for her to show off and prepare her favourite meals,  host all her screaming selfie taking mates in our house, take her out for the day,  shop for all her gifts because as a woman I'll nail it a bit closer than her dad, decorate her room,  stock everything she needs when she stays over,   buy her a car and take her overseas on holiday and show it off to the random men in albania who follow her social media (I'm the bigger earner in our marriage) but I am NOT ALLOWED AN OPINION.  

Suits me.  I'm now redorating the "spare room" that was hers to my liking (not what I did for her a few years ago at my expense) husband has now cut off her allowance (she's 20 for gods sake) and I've returned all of the gifts we bought her for christmas.  Hell can now freeze over before I'll give her the time of day.  

She's totally shown her cards on this one and that's that every relationship she has with anyone is solely on her terms.  funnily enough she's even said to him "it's not just about the money you give me" which is ironic because my husband and I give her so much more than that in the way of emotonal support,  career advice,  relationship counselling etc  So that's great now.  She's clearly stated she doesnt ever want money from us again.  Result! 

 

Winterglow's picture

I do hope you've evicted her. She can go and stay with her mother, grandmother or brother but she wouldn't be getting back into my home. In fact, I'd probably have thrown her out when she started posting photos that could identify my home... and it's not as if she hasn't any other places she could go and stay, is it?

dolly1's picture

She lives with her mum anyway but I am struggling to see how the next time she comes over will go in the absence of an apology and I will NEVER get that.

 

she holds everyone else to ransom if they don't give her what she wants, as this is the first time that two people have called her out she's gone nuclear. Until now her mum always used to call on my husband to do all of the disciplining, so he's always been the bad guy. Her mum admits that she can't control her going out partying in lockdown. 
 

At the moment she's said she's never speaking to my husband ever again because he called her out on the law in a pandemic, this is the type of monster we're working g with 

Winterglow's picture

Then next time she comes over tell her she's not welcome and not staying until she apologizes. Keep calling her out, it gets easier every time. There may even come a point where you find her meltdowns funny ... She's only a monster because she's been allowed to be. You've started to take back your power - keep up the good work!

dolly1's picture

Thanks! I did say to my husband that this sort of flip out was kind of ok when she was 12, but now that she's 20 she'll have very short lived adult relationships if she carries on. So if we brush it under the carpet we're enabling that behaviour. 
 

he's very good at riding out the sulks and normally I've been on the fence until she sucks him back in with a call to "daddy". This time I have investment in the solution so I'm not going to back down 

looloo's picture

I posted that article. It is spot on! My SD is 33, they don't change,,,they just go in and out of your life. Here is the pattern...she comes into our lives when she wants something. She either gets it right away or continues to push til she does. When she gets cut off, she uses the silent treatment, cuts us off etc until he cracks. It is never going to change sadly. 

dolly1's picture

Thanks @looloo! 
 

that article was absolutely bang on with what we see all the time. My husband is just a manipulation tool for her sadly abs it's been going on for years.

 

im grateful that she's turned on me because all of a sudden my husband questioned it. Over the years there's been so many times when she's withheld contact in a sulk over something. When I said we should get a refund on her Christmas gifts he said "I can't because she'll hold it over me forever" I replied "well she can add it to the list of things she holds over you, this won't make any difference now". 
 

She's even told him that she's "been there for you all these years before you met Dolly and will be after". Little shit, just obey the rules that are there so they don't kill people, right?? It's not bloody rocket science. 
 

she forgets that I've also been there for all the years when she's held a gun to his head and spoken to him in horrendous ways that I'd never let anyone speak to me. 
 

the war ends now, I'll handle this way in the same way I'd handle an employee who was singing to their own tune and causing carnage. With respect but no leeway to commit further damage.