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Bio mom issues

Witsendmom's picture

SD9 has a poor relationship with her bio mom. DH works a sporadic schedule away from home, leaving her to stay with her Mom while he is working. As soon as DH comes home from work, SD comes to stay with us and rarely hears from her Mom. She could call her Mom 3 days in a row and never reach her. Her mom makes promises and never keeps them. And when SD does spend time with her mom, they rarely spend "quality" time together, as SD tells me her mom won't stop looking at her phone long enough to do anything with her. SD has cried to me saying her mom just doesn't care about her and I try to tell her of course she does. Lately, SD has become very argumentative. She does not listen to what we say or the suggestions we make to her, she complains about what's cooked for supper every. single. night, even if it's her favorite meal, she is continuously picking out the flaws in my bio children, belittling them and praising up her own abilities. She always wants to be the center of attention and will create drama when she is not. I'm so incredibly stressed out because she has the ability to ruin an activity if she doesn't get her way. I strongly feel that she feels the lack of connection with her mom and takes that out on my children because they have a close connection with me. While I do everything I can for her, she gives me credit for none of it. She gives her father the credit for everything. I do not know what to do for this child. I have spent quality time alone with her, which she seems to enjoy. We have had some personal discussions about puberty and things and she knows I understand what she's going through in that regard. But she still pushes me away and undermines the things I can do, and praises up her mom (who literally does bare minimum and maybe even less). I'm just at a loss. I hate how she makes my kids feel, but if it's jealousy over the relationship they have with me, then my heart breaks for her. I'm not sure what to do.

Rags's picture

Quit giving this toxic kid space in your head. At some point you have to stop justifying her crap and making excuses for her idiot mother and just confront the kid's toxic behaviors.

It is time.


shamds's picture

resent me and my kids with hubby from existing 

the fact is exwife is batshit psycho crazy, 3 skids all have her traits and mental issues because her whole family are batshit crazy. 

Its easier to blame the sane positive role models in the relationship and guilt your dad for being happy with people who take great care of him when you abuse and neglect him!!

problem is they will never blame their mum and hold them accountable, its one thing to say “mum doesn’t care about me to someone else” but will that kid say that to their mum?? Of course not!!

my skids played the whole innocent victim game with crocodile tears to their dad, especially mini wife sd24 claiming bio mum abandoned them and so did daddy for us... when your dad has multiple times tried to set up meets only for you to cancel last minute (like day before) or to not even have the respect to tell him but tell your brother last minute and caused daddy to miss out on time he could have spent with his wife and younger kids overseas, you lose faith in wanting any meets...

Dogmom1321's picture

YES to this! I have heard (especially with females) that it is FAR easier to blame the stable parent, than admitting your mother is a failed parent. Even when they grow up, girls tend to favor their moms and justify their behavior for poor parenting. 

shamds's picture

Turning into a psychotic vindictive crazy woman because hubby chose to divorce her.

the reality is she was always batshit mother effin crazy and abusive. What kid selfishly tells daddy he should have stayed in that abusive marriage that lacked any love, intimacy or substance... my husband told his daughter off to not only think of her mum because she had no friggin clue what he had to put up with. He chose to not tarnish bio mums image and play dirty with the details.

i know what kind of abuse and all the nitty gritty details because hubby told me but skids don’t know this... only time my hubby told his daughter off late last year was how dare she accuse hubby of doing black magic voodoo crap against her mum and them when sd24 herself claimed she saw cctv footage of bio mums sibling and sibling’s husband illegally enter their home to commit black magic voodoo crap...

i removed myself and my kids from any meets. Anytime you have sd’s thinking this shit is normal scares me and i have every right to ban any meets...

i made it very clear to hubby our kids love hubby but would not want to maintain any relationship with their 3 half siblings especially both sd’s for accusing and blaming hubby of all these horrible lies... its really disturbing and sickening how effed up it is!!

Rags's picture

Time for DH to roll out the detailed facts with his 3 prior relationship/failed family children.  These adults need the facts so that they can protect themselves from their whack job BM.

When the blended family opposition is as toxic as it appears to be in your blended family the facts are the only way to protect DH, your, and your children from the shallow and polluted gene pool that your SKids have to wallow in on their BM's side of things.

shamds's picture

he has ge typical excuse its a lost caused as they are so heavily brainwashed by bio mum and co. Even when facts are right in front of them clear as day, they justify it to suit bio mum being innocent 

tog redux's picture

This little girl needs therapy - she feels abandoned by her mother, is jealous of your kids having a good mother, and has low self-worth.

Protect yourself and your kids, and stop trying to go out on a limb to bond with her if she's going to take it out on you. Let your husband take over parenting - but please, find this little girl a therapist.

hereiam's picture

It's sad that a child of 9 needs therapy but she does. Being abandoned by ones mother, physically, emotionally, or both, can have devastating effects on a child and it will get worse as she gets older if she doesn't get the help she needs to deal with it. It's almost worse that her mom is there, but not really there.

I have been dealing with this with my niece for years (she's 17, now). She considers me more of a mother than her own mother but she still craves her mother's love and it hurts her that he mother doesn't truly care about her. My sister is a selfish alcoholic (so is niece's dad) and my niece is paying the price (as well as those of us who love her). Even though my niece loves me, she still acts out towards me and pushes me away, she just has so much anger and hurt in her because of her parents.

Get your husband to get his daughter some help.

Dogmom1321's picture

I would see if DH wants to look into therapy for her. Keep in mind you can't control SD relationship with her mom. That is not your responsibility. Focus on protecting your kids and letting DH handle SD... unless your kids are being dragged into it. If she is belittling or making fun of them, I would ABSOLUTELY address it with SD, thats not okay. 

Also, don't let her ruin your time with your bios. If you went out of your way to include her, but she starts acting out, then she doesn't get invited again. For example... if you all are tie dying tshirts, but she is constantly complaining, not listening, etc. then she misses out. Then the NEXT time y'all do something, just remind her of how she acted before. I think the conversation of "one bad apple ruins the bunch" should be addressed by your DH. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Tell her point blank "you're causing me stress, please stop it." You have no responsibility to her.  She's not your kid. Block her out of your mind.

Witsendmom's picture

Thank you for the good advice. She definitely needs to talk to someone. It's taken me a long time, but I do finally realize that I cannot fix her problems. My issue now, is the guilt I feel for not including her in everything I do. I brought her back to her Moms last night after a 5 day out of town vacation with me and my 2 bio kids. It was a stressful time with her as she could not reach her mom on the phone for 2 days. So then behaviours started occurring because of that. By 9:00 this morning she was calling asking what I'm doing today, even though my kids are gone with their Dad for the week now. I told her I didn't have any plans, but I just don't have it in me to cater to her every whim after having her on a fun-filled 5 day vacation that I felt she didn't appreciate half the time. But I also feel like I can't go out and enjoy myself today without asking her to come along. The worst part is, DH feels guilty about being away, and having her down there with her Mom who doesn't give a shit, and would rather for her to be with me. So then I feel pressured to include her in everything because DH appreciates it. How do I politely communicate to him and her that she doesn't need (or deserve, sometimes) to be a part of everything. I told DH last night that I've come to realize that I cannot fix her problems. But I feel that out of desperation to make her feel better about the situation, he wants me to overcompensate even further which I just don't think is healthy for her or me.

Rags's picture

DH and SD know that they can manipulate you through your feelings. So, stop thinking with your feelings and choose to have the confidence to just say no.    Stop being their beck and call victim and you control the situation. Control the interface with SD when she is with BM and shut your DH's guilt slinging crap down hard.

As SParents we are not the beck and call resource.  

Protect yourself, take firm control and don't let them manipulate you.