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Am I overreacting

stepper47's picture

In the spirit of trying to encourage a relationship with SD17 now that she is communicating again after 3 months of ignoring DH, I suggested he invite her to join us for an kayak trip we took yesterday. Thursday she agreed to go, Saturday she called to cancel because her mom just adopted a puppy and SD had to watch it at the same time we were going...

We went on our trip anyway and had a great time.  When we got home, we were cleaning our vehicles and DH decided to take his to the car wash.  He was gone quite a while.  When he got back he said he met SD's puppy.  He told me all about it, how they got it, etc.  I asked how SD was acting since she had cancelled.  He said SD wasn't there.  Apparently he went to a car wash near their house, and called BM to see if he could drop her check off (there is no court ordered child support but he has always given BM an amount they agreed on when they divorced), and SD had said he should come see the puppy.  BM said SD wasn't there but to come on by.  

This hit me wrong.  I asked why he needed to call BM about this check, he could mail it, transfer it, etc.  And then why he would need to go to her house without the kids being there.   And especially all this without even mentioning to me, I thought he was just going to wash the car.  I said it really bothered me that he visited with her and it felt like it was behind my back.  Mainly bc she has pretty obviously been against our household and I feel uncomfortable about him spending any type of time with her.  He does not get it.  Am I out of line?  I don't think he set out to "visit" BM but hearing about it after the fact just didn't set right. 

Momof6WI's picture

Not overreacting especially if he knows it makes you uncomfortable. How did he respond when you told him you felt like he was going behind your back?

stepper47's picture

"He is sorry he has to communicate with her and give her money".   Our conversation has carried into today, and I explained that it doesn't have anything to do with him communicating regarding his daughter, who is still a minor, or give money to help with his child's care.  It is the act of a friendly visit without said child being present, and being behind my back until after the fact.  He apologized a little bit ago a little more genuinely, but I don't know if he really gets it or is trying to appease me

stepper47's picture

I did ask him that, and he said he would understand that I have to communicate with my ex.  But I am pretty sure if he found out after the fact that I had a visit with an ex that he wouldn't like it.   BM has undermined him frequently and made it clear she does not support what happens in our household.  She has "come to the rescue" with SD many times, most notably last year when DH caught her lying about going to a a party. SD was upset that he wouldn't let her go and BM picked her up.  SD has lived with BM since then, who gave her the master bedroom and a newer car to drive.  So while she is not usually rude to our faces, she has exerted her control in a negative way.  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

There is no reason a check needs to be delivered in person - absolutely none. He can either mail a check or do an on-line transfer. There was no reason for him to go and "see the puppy" when SD was not there. Has he done this before? I don't think you are over reacting - I would be upset too.

Rags's picture

Nope.  There is no reason for your SO to interface with his X over a puppy or a check.  

IMHO there is zero reason for X interface for someone in an equity life partnership. Period. For any reason.  Ever.

Not at graduations, weddings, or any other family event. They can both attend and have zero interface.  It is what is respectful to the spouse.  A failed family can and should never trump a marriage. Ever.

Even if a kid wants mommy and daddy to play happy couple, it should never happen. Just because these people may be the kids mother and father, the respect and loyalty for those parents must be with their spouse and not their X.  Even if the kids want mommy and daddy to hug, look all happy, and play nice-nice at graduations and weddings.  There is no need to be nasty, but neither should a spouse be disrespected by their own partner nor by anyone else for that matter.

IMHO of course.

Kee-khe's picture

Wow, I would have been PISSED. My mind would go all over the place. Did he really just stop by to "see a puppy"? Conviniently while the kid wasn't home? This seems a bit planned out to me.