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I got out.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

This will be short. My bios and I left the home. DH  was becoming more and more unpredictable, angry, and accusatory. I was becoming a teary, nervous wreck. I'm sure the pandemic escalated things.

So I left. I have a lawyer. I'm attempting to get use of the home, and set up reasonable visitation for bios with their Dad.

I never wanted to leave because my goal was to protect my bios. But I couldn't do that as I was becoming a shell of my former self.

I'm sad, scared of  how this will play out... but relieved to not be waking up in a home where I'm scared of what DH is going to do next or in front of my bios.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so sorry that it had to come to this for you. 

I am glad you have an attorney and hopefully family to help support you during this!!!

Kes's picture

So sorry that this became necessary - but being as how it was, well done for taking decisive action to protect the welfare of yourself and your children. 

CLove's picture

It takes a huge amount of internal fortitude to break out of these situations and face all the unknowns, But know that you are doing the best thing ever and that you will get stronger and live better incrementally over time. Give yourself that space to grieve and process the trauma.

Hugs to you and know that your children will be so much happier! As will you!

Harry's picture

You kinda knew deal down,  This is the way it's going to end. DH is not parenting his kids, instead of getting SS help that he needs.  He has his head somewhere.   It's not helping SS. Not helping your marriage,  he not helping anyone beside himself.  
 

DPW's picture

I wish you all the best. You have a difficult road ahead but I know you are strong enough to handle it and come out better for it. 

JRI's picture

I'm sorry to hear of your trouble.  Many on here have gone thru painful split-ups, its the pits.  I am hoping for the best possible outcome.

When I read your post, i thought, this is just the first of many splits thst will occur due to this pandemic.  So many people have been quarantined with family and have HAD IT.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are doing the right thing. Your situation was untenable.

I hope you have a tough attorney who is prepared to do whatever it takes for you to win. While I usually think a "cooperative" divorce is the way to go if at all possible - in your case you need to be prepared for a down and dirty fight.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

 

 

ndc's picture

Good for you - I think you've made the right move. I hope your attorney is excellent and aggressive - you're going to need it.

Winterglow's picture

Have you considered getting an RO on your SS so that your children won't have to deal with him?

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. 

It sounds as though DH is going to fight me on the home, so I may be having to find a rental soon. I've been caring for my bios and our home full time since the start of the pandemic, and working part time. I want to throttle DH. Even before the pandemic, I did the bulk of the household work and childcare while working full time.

He's a special kind of ahole.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Hi All - I thought I'd log back in for an update. I left my ex three years ago and counting. It was a brutal divorce, and I've been dragged back into court several times. I was given primary custody and my bio kids go EOWE to see their Dad. He has continued to be an absolutely difficult, manipulative coparent, although no surprise there. My former stepkids are grown, my ex continues to be his daughter's party buddy and narcissistic supply. The benefits of leaving: 

  • I don't have to deal with my ex on a day to day basis and my kids do not have to deal with him outside visitation.
  • My ex cannot pick fights with me, berate me, or obsessively follow me around the minute he walks through the door or wakes up in the morning.  Getting away from him was the right decision.
  • The only way my ex can get to me is through email or a lawyer. I can leave the emails until the end of the day or week unless its something urgent regard the kids. 
  • I have my own home that is fully alarmed that my ex cannot enter, although I have permitted him to do some on special occasions for the kids with other family present.
  • My time with my children is mine, and not subject to their father's behaviors. 
  • My children's time with their Dad is fixed and they know they always come home at the end of a weekend. They have issues with him for the aformentioned reasons, although I do think he is a better parent (althought not a great one) than spouse. Both kids are in therapy to deal with their father, and the issues of having two households. 

The negatives of leaving: 

  • Ex will play every game he can despite our court order (allow mother to speak to children daily; do not disparage other parent). This upsets the kids and I have threatened court, or had my lawyer send a letter, when he doesn't quit it. 
  • We split holidays, so I do miss seeing the kids on those occasions - this has been hard all around. 
  • Not being able to parent during my ex's time is tough and the transition days require patience. As the kids get older, we have been able to talk through this and what they need on those days. 
  • While I didn't have a reliable partner when I was with my ex, I could get him to help with errands or fixes in the house on occasion. Since I don't have that, I've found a trusted handyman, and my family helps with my kids. I also found a remote position.
  • Legal fees are expensive. Holy cow!
  • Dealing with a narcisstic in court was awful, because he came off as the victim and can be very charming/convincing. 

Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely, I would leave, and if anything, I see now I should have left far sooner. It is what it is.  I am grateful that I documented everything and kept it organized as that helped a lot for court, especially things like the timeline of major events linked to emails/texts/pictures.  If I were to do it over again, I would have ignored the emails from my ex that were filled with threats, accusations, etc because they were inconsequential - no need to respond to those. I would have kept it to just the facts/planning/negotiated topics. I also would not have emailed my lawyer so much, but instead summarized anything urgent or significant. The little things that are irrelevant to divorce and custody just rack up a large bill. 

All the best!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I was just thinking about you the other day! So good to read your update. *give_rose*