You are here

Family being torn apart by SS

DianaRuth's picture

Hi,  I'm feeling so lost and scared right now. Guess I just need to vent mostly but advice would be good too. A little back story, sorry it's a long post. I've been a step mom for almost 10 years.  Beside my stepson, my husband and I have 3 other children. My stepson who is now 13, came to live with us after he saved his bio mom from a drug overdose. She has been in and out of prison since then but has supervised visits when she is out. 

He has done things to hurt his siblings since he moved in but always told his dad it was an accident. However when his dad isn't around he would tell me that it wasn't an accident and that he will continue to hurt them and he even plans to kill them. At 1st my husband didn't believe me when I told him but did agree to not let them play unsupervised. Then SS started trying to hurt them right in front of us. We eventually had to put an alarm on his door cause he would get up to try to hurt the other kids while they were sleeping.  

We also had lots of behavior issues refuses to do anything I ask, has trouble at school, and lies about everything and nothing and is a master manipulator. I have taken him to therapy, which seemed to make things worse. They diagnosed him with ADHD. We tried a couple different medications that had terrible side effects before deciding it wasn't working. Finally I decided I could no longer keep the other kids safe from him. So he went to live with my husband parents. That worked out for a year and a half but he became too much for them with their health issues. Next my husband's brother ask if SS could live with them. SS has now been with them for 10months. They believe he was misdiagnosed with ADHD, instead they believe he is a sociopath. They have tried everything they can to get him to behave but now they are done. 

He can not move back with us cause he is a danger to his siblings. With his mother being in prison she is not an option. So its either my husband moves out with him or we send him to live with his bio mothers parents.  Which is where SS wants to live. However it's not a good place for him. They believe he should be able to do whatever he pleases, including watch porn. They are also raising SS little brother (from biomom) 

I dont want my bio children to lose their father, nor me my husband. But I also want my SS to be in a good environment.  My families life is being torn apart and I don't know what to do or how to fix it. Do you think a marriage can work being separated like that?

tog redux's picture

Around here, you can't just "put kids in the system", they have to be court-ordered into placement (or at least there is a lengthy application process if it's a psychiatric issue - and he doesn't sound appropriate for that). In general they won't just take kids and put them in residential programs because the parents don't want them home.

I would agree he's seriously misdiagnosed, but find another psychiatrist and a psychologist to figure out what's going on with him. There may be services for troubled kids in your area, too.  If you have a good diagnosis that can open doors for other services and placements. Also - call the police when he threatens to kill people. That's another avenue into placement via repeated visits to the psychiatric emergency room.

But yes, I think your husband has to get his own place and take SS with him for the safey of the other children.

SteppedOut's picture

Me? I wouldn't give a shit where he went as long as it wasn't my house. He wants to kill your children. Keep your kids safe. 

DianaRuth's picture

He will definitely not be coming back to my home ever.  But I do still want what is best for him. I just hate that what's best for him isn't what's best for my bio kids. Not only will they  no longer have their dad around everyday, they will also have to go to a sitter for the 1st time in their lives and change schools. Due to me having to work to support us. 

My husband thinks we can make our marriage work living apart. We both believe as soon as SS is old enough to legally decide he will go back to his mother who should be getting out of prison around the same time. So in less than 2 years. I know it will be hard to be apart and rarely seeing my husband but I do want to stay together.  I just wonder if this is realistic. 

justmakingthebest's picture

The are boarding schools that specialize in kids with behavior disorders. That is what I would do. One that I know of, through a colleague who had to send her daughter there is Cal Farley's boy ranch. It is for both boys and girls now. She said that it made a total shift in her daughter and they can actually have a relationship now. She is there on grants and the only cost is clothing and flights home for holidays and summer but even those are optional with the program. 

https://www.calfarley.org/boysranch/

Rags's picture

Great idea.

Another option is Military school.  Military school would chew this kid up and spit him out a well behaved performing Cadet.  The young Cadet leaders abide no crap from kids like this and are highly adept at driving behavioral compliance and strong performance. Though the administration provides the sctructure, the Cadets are the ones that abide no crap and drive conformance to standards.

 

Ispofacto's picture

Sending him away to a strict school or bootcamp is a good idea.  If you let him live with BM, he will never graduate, and DH could be on the hook for CS for a very long time.

 

DianaRuth's picture

Neither my husband nor I think he should ever go back to his mother. We both feel that even the visits she gets are too much considering they are supposed to be supervised but the court appointed her parents the supervisors and they dont believe she needs it. However the judge has told them it will be up to him who he lives with when he turns 15. 

I really do want what's best for him. I tried for years to get him help. It just got worse. Him getting a bat and hitting my 3 year old in head and telling me he was disappointed his head didn't bounce off was the last straw for me. I will not allow him around them again. But being the great manipulator that he is, he had almost everyone believing it was an accident. 

I also dont have a problem with working to support my kids. It just makes me sad and a bit angry that they have to go to a sitter and change schools. And lose their dad being there. Its a really awful situation for my husband to have to choose between his children. Yet I still believe SS has so much good in him. We know he needs help we just dont know how to get it. 

I'm pretty sure my husband will be moving out. Which means I have to find a way to tell my children. Its just heartbreaking. 

Thanks for your input and suggestions. It has been helpful to have a place to vent and get my thoughts together. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

In your heart of hearts do you honestly think upending the lives of 3 children - depriving them of the stability of two parents, the home and schools they know - for 1 child is really the best thing to do?  I'd send SS to BM's parents before I'd sacrifice the stability and happiness of my 3 bios.  Your DH can go see him at the grandparents' house.

UpgradeWife's picture

Send him to BM's parents' place. If SS laid a finger on my bios he'd be out the door. He is a year from adulthood and huge. My bios are much younger.

DianaRuth's picture

Today my DH is moving SS in with his parents. I'm not sure if this set up will work out as DH's dad really doesn't want him there. They have an agreement that DH will spend every weekend with SS at their home. DH will still live with us (myself and our 3 children) thru the week. Its not the best situation but better than SS putting siblings in danger. I am sad that bio kids will not have much quality time with their dad since he works long hours thru the week. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Based on your post, your in-laws already tried keeping SS and it didn't work out.  I doubt round 2 will end any differently.

Rags's picture

Just as long as you keep him away from your kids.  Hopefully the GPs will keep their collective foot up his butt and he will recover from his BM's crap.