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How do you tell In-laws- Cousins, etc Stop the ex talk?

NoBigDeal's picture

How do you tell your cousins,  or skid . Or  Adult kids  or mother in laws this?

Stop "TELLING ME ABOUT MY EX"!!!!!

I dont want to keep hearing they this OR  that.  That's WHY WE ARE DIVORCED!!!!!!!

Please "Out of Respect for my (New Life) stop funneling  ex this ex that.  

My DH has such a big heart he thinks that's cruel to say to his kids.   Stop telling  me about your drunk mother.     

 I'd like some tactful words here.  Like dh.........could you say (_____________) to your kids about stop the mom this mom that. This is going to be a struggle  for him to say but hes got to. 

(Cousin___________). Please stop informing me about  ex.this ex that.

I know I'm not the only one who gets aggravated about this.  

 

 

Winterglow's picture

For the cousin, it shouldn't be too difficult "I don't want to hear about ex anymore. We're divorced and she is no longer relevant to my life." Every time the cousin forgets "We're divorced, remember?" It can be done without causing any ill feelings. Your stepkids OTOH ... 

Thumper's picture

Be more assertive---

I have asked you to please stop talking about my ex.  It is very hurtful to me. 

If you bring him up again,  I will be keeping my distance from you.

1. remind them what you asked of them. 2. Explain your hurt, sad, angry 3. Tell them what happens next IF they do it again. . 5. Stick to your decision to distance.

Easy peasy.

Some people dont care enough to respect your personal boundaries (wishes). So, you have to make them respect you by walking away.

When YOU decide to let it go...then you cant complain about it again. In otherwords you decided to give them permission to talk about him.

Be firm, stand firm.

 

NoBigDeal's picture

The problem is he hadn't set that BOUNDARY. 

Hes never said to anyone stop talking about  my ex.

I had to set the boundary with him to cease that in our conversations. And he did.

The  real problem is it's so vile, toxic news, horrible behavior , sad, and depressing.  News yOU WOULD NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANYONE. 

Just negativity. 

Thumper's picture

((((HUGS)))))

I am sorry. They are trying to drag you into their pit of hell.

Glad he at least respected your wishes...that is important.

SM12's picture

But with my mother.  She is a wonderful woman but ughhh I get so frustrated.   She hated my XH

from the moment we started dating.  She did not want me to marry him and was thrilled when I got a divorce.   

A shirt time after my BM was widowed she seemed to have lost her mind.  She was already friends with my XH on social media which infuriated me.  But now she was giving me constant updates about what he is posting, she would drive by his house and tell me details on who was there and what the house looked like.  I repeatedly told her to stop and I was not happy she was doing these things nor did I feel she was being loyal to me or my DH (who she adores).  
It took a few years for it to stop regardless of my protests.  The only reason it did stop was because I mentioned her doing it in front of her sisters and made it known how it made me feel.  Clearly they told her how inappropriate she was being and she stopped kind of.  She still has my former SD on social media which makes me angry but she doesn't tell me about her posts.  
 

All you can do is continue to ignore the skids. If You say something it will turn around on you. 
However, I would make a point to change the topic every time BM is mentioned .  Just ignore what the kid was saying and start a new conversation like they weren't even talking.  I would make is obvious as to what I was doing but I'm like that.  You could try to be subtle but that most likely won't work.

Rags's picture

As sad as it is, public humiliation is an effective behavioral modification tool.  You bared your mom's ass to her sister and her sister set her straight where she refused to hear the message from you.

Well played.

Clapping

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

We went through this in the beginning. DH sent an email to everyone to never mention his ex again. Then he sat both kids down and said do not mention your mother again. I've moved on. They haven't done it since. 

NoBigDeal's picture

Update.......Dh wanted to video chat with flying monkey (cousin).   Husband,  hes not well, lives 3k Mile's  away DH old city. Cant fly there covid19 and dont want to make him sick.

So I texted flying monkey,  no response.  So few days later texted again....no response...so I called her no answer.....few days later I called  her again left voice  message.  

I told DH about text and calls.  He said,  she takes days to respond.   But he called her yesterday and she picked up. He texted her last week and she responded.   

I told him shes loyal to ex and doesn't like me.   He said no she loves  you......ah...nope.....

She called him to tell him a hugely exaggerated story if his ss pushed ex down and hurt her got arrested, as was in jail,  ex was going  to have major surgery she was disabled fir life...... 

That's technically the ex calling talking through the cousin......because  she's  blocked  from everything.   I told him he needs to put a stop to her talking about  the  ex to  him. They can be buddies and french kiss each other  for all I care but keep ex talk to you out of our  life out if my marriage. 

I over  heard her say to DH (I texted "the ex"  and told her anything she needs just let me know).    But wont  acknowledged  my text?  

I told him to handle it. But I don't think he has.  He feels like he'd  be cutting her out of his life to correct her.  He feels sorry for her.  Doesn't  want to set that boundary.   

She cant keep doing this.  It depresses my DH so bad.  What in earth do we do? 

Aniki's picture

.

NoBigDeal's picture

I believe that's what I just said.  He hasn't sent the boundary.  Ah....YEAH . SHES NOT GOT THE MESSAGE.   That's my point.  

My point in texting her and calling her was 1...because  he ask me too.  But then I continued to show HIM WHERE HER LOYALTY LIES.   Of which my point was MADE LOUD AND CLEAR.   Not with me.

HE CAN'T deny now where LOYALTY lies NOT WITH ME. 

That's a step to get him to set the boundary.  

NoBigDeal's picture

One blogger said her situation the DH sent out a text or email. That's kind of impersonal but effective.   Or text.  Anyone else done something like that?

Like.   Look guz, I'm remarried now, moved on, I'd really appreciate it if you would not talk to me about (name ex) anymore.  I really dont want to know.  

Anyone  done this?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It is very hard when your DH's family is enmeshed with the ex. When i first started dating my SO, he had an argument with his mom. A few hours later, the BM2 was calling him because his mom called her all upset and asked BM2 to call my SO. BM2's photo was up at my SO's sister's house, on the mantle in the living room. Just a large framed pic of her and one of the kids. The only other photo on that shelf was of the married couple who live there. There was a regularly occurring group text involving my SO, his brothers and sisters and their spouses, and BM2. When BM2 has the kid she still sees, she takes him to my SO's brother's house for him to watch him regularly so she can get a break from the stress of having one of her 2 kids less than half the time. This is after 8 years divorced and he has been in several long-term relationships since. Enmeshment is a deeply rooted type of dysfunction and it's very hard to break free of. My SO is trying but it's just so deeply toxic. 

NoBigDeal's picture

Luckily they live far away.  But non the less I'm not going to worship at the alter of "first family "  as per (Rags).  Lol

I'll block them myself if it doesn't  get resolved,  but I'm overly patient person.  To patient some say.  Thank God in Heaven for Miles and miles of distance.   

NoBigDeal's picture

I'm really  really concerned about  when we go visit in 6 months or so.  All the CRAZIES IN ONE LITTLE town.  Flying monkey said ex would STALK US, dh said he was afraid  of that too.  Then the miniwife issue,  I'll get to see how that gets worked out,......Dh said not long ago would I mind if he gave bio a hug...I posted about that.....

I said who ever hugs you hugs me.....that was an eye opener for him......a . hell to the third power no....dont want to hear you did it either......

He's just so guilted into doing things he thinks other people  think he should do and since I'm the minority that I'll just give into the (first family status quo) family dynamic if how things were prior "ME".  He actually thought we would  all hang out together.....even  though the ex communicated death threats to me.  

His false reality soon began to shatter and hes Got new "REALITY WAKE THE F....UP GLASSES on  NOW"  COURTSEY  (Yours truley)...  SMDH.

ThatOneMom's picture

Are they criticizing her or being complimentary?

 

If they are criticizing her, I would say, "I completely understand where you're coming from. I have my own thoughts and opinions about it, too. But for everyone's sake, including the kids, I think we should stop talking about her. She has to live her own life, we have to live ours. Besides, we have plenty of other things to talk about."

If they are being complimentary, I would smile and say, "She sounds like a really lovely and amazing person. I know you all love and appreciate her so much. I don't want to erase her memory or change how anyone feels about her. I'm also not here to replace her as a mom. I'm here because I love my husband and I want to be a part of this family. Sometimes I feel like she is the topic of all of our conversations. And while I know you love her and did not choose this divorce, I'm here now and I really want to develop my own relationship with each of you without feeling like a second act."

NoBigDeal's picture

It's more the cousin right now.  That's good  wording on the skids part.  I'm beginning to think the FM is jealous of my DH.  I also think she wishes he was still living there because  she manipulated him for money, and favors constantly.   They all did.  So far hes stopped  the flow of money.  

When we fo finally go there I'm already wondering how I'm going  to respond myself  to her when she does it to me while I'm present  in the room in Her home. 

Something that will aggravate me.  Cant show it aggravates  me.  And DH wont think is any big deal.

Do I say.........flying monkey....I didn't hear DH ask about . Ex....why do you think either one if us want to know?  She's NOT PART Of  OUR LIFE IN ANYWAY.  

Sandybeaches's picture

I had this problem with my husbands family.  He tells them flat out that he doesn't want to hear about her that he can't stand her and she causes nothing but trouble for him and us.  Then when my husband isn't around they want to talk about her to me and supposedly say they don't like her and try to tell me all the dirt.  I quickly learned that anything I ever said even I don't want to hear it got back to BM.  As she would call my husband yelling about it.  So, I used it to my advantage and said things that I wanted my MIL to repeat. 

Well one day my MIL went to far with her stories to BM and BM repeated it all back and added some really nasty things that supposedly MIL had said.  So I mentioned it to MIL the next time when we were alone and she brought up BM to me.  MIL was livid with BM said she never said the things BM said MIL said.  MIL found out just exactly why she shouldn't be carrying on with BM and playing both sides.  It took a while but it was PRICELESS!!!!!

Sorry you are going through this as you can see I understand!!! 

I would just tell them all and have DH nicely mention it to the kids.