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Help with Boundaries

LivMommy's picture

Hi guys. I'm new here. I'm really struggling with my husband and skids. I have two skids plus two of my own children I had with my husband. My kids are 2 and 7 months. My skids are 8 and 4. 
My husband basically wants me to parent his kids. When we first got together I started doing nearly everything for my skids. I really loved my husband and wanted to prove I would be a great mommy. This has bitten me in the ass. I now do 80% of the parenting for all of the children and I'm completely exhausted. Today I tried to tell my husband that I'm uncomfortable parenting my skids. They both have started demanding to go back to bio mom when they don't like our rules or don't get their way. He told me we are married and that I'm their mom when they are here. Basically he informed me I have to act as a parent. I feel like he's dead wrong. I think he's just lazy. I'm feeling very taken advantage of. I also know my skids tell their mom outrageous stories about me. Once the 8 year old said she was scared I'd murder her???? I need help and support. What should I do???


tog redux's picture

Well, he clearly wanted a woman who would take care of his kids, and he thought that was you.  You have every right to change your mind about caring for them, especially now that you have 2 of your own to care for. And he doesn't get to decide that you are "the mom" and will care for them.

Are you ready to really rock the boat over this issue, that's what you have to decide. If so, let him know what you will and won't do for his kids, and that he will have to pick up the slack.  For example, you might continue to cook for them since you are cooking for the whole family, but you might no longer help with homework or make sure baths are taken for his two.  Then do just what you say.

It will be a challenging change for him, no doubt, and he will fight it. It's sad to me that he's so lazy that he doesn't even want to help out with any of his own kids.

thiscantbenormal's picture

I'd tell him you don't recall making those babies with BM.  The whole point of shared custody is so both birth parents get to parent.  If he is relinquishing his right to parent than he can give BM full custody.   Some people like to parent other people's kids, some don't.  If he gets nasty with you about him stepping up and being the primary parent for that set of kids then you know why he married be BM's stand in.

hereiam's picture

He told me we are married and that I'm their mom when they are here.

Oh, Lord, so much NO.

Basically he informed me I have to act as a parent.

No, HE needs to act as a parent, as he IS their parent and you are not.

You are being taken advantage of.

strugglingSM's picture

They have one parent when they are in your house, your DH. If he doesn't want to parent them, then they shouldn't come to your home, they should just stay with their mother all the time. 

You aren't their parent, you aren't their babysitter. As an adult, you should be responsible for keeping them safe when they are around you, but it is not your job to entertain them, clean up after them, etc. Also, they shouldn't be allowed to destroy your home or ruin your home environment. Your DH needs to take responsibility to make sure those things don't happen. 

Harry's picture

He is there parent.  He should not only parent them, but take care of them. As cook, clean, ect.   Make house hole rules that are for everyone.  

LivMommy's picture

I definitely feel like his unpaid babysitter. After I had my first child he talked me into being a sahm. I feel like this was just to manipulate me into caring for the kids. 

ndc's picture

Just because you agreed to be a SAHM a couple years ago doesn't mean you have to continue to be a SAHM.  

LivMommy's picture

During the summer we have them half the time. We only have them weekends during school. I usually have them on holiday vacations. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Have you been direct and clear with your husband about what you will do and won't do for his kids and yet he continues to say you have to parent them like your own? Did you try seeing a couples counselor about this issue yet he continues with the "when they are here you have to treat them like yours"? Then he's not listening to you and you two have different values. Now it's up to you to decide if you want to be with someone who has different values than you. He sounds controlling and is disrespecting you. If his friend asked him to stop doing something I have no doubt he would stop. But he's different with his wife. He doesn't deserve to be married which is probably why his first marriage failed. 

LivMommy's picture

We had a long talk last night about SD8 and her behavior. I told him I was no longer comfortable disciplining her and that I thought he needed to handle it. We ended up agreeing he'd take the lead with her. I feel like we've made at least some progress. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Ask DH if he wants his kids to grow up to resent you? Because they will if you are the one doing all the parenting, especially the disciplining. It's hard enough for kids to adjust to 2 homes, 2 sets of rules, add in someone who is not thier mommy telling them what to do. That's a recipe for disaster. Because they have a mom, that's who they are going to love,  you are just daddies wife, therefore you will always be the target of thier anger and resentment.  The best way for you to build a relationship with them is to be thier friend and not a threat. Yes you are an adult and as an adult they should respect you and your home. But everything else should be up to DH.

Ella_Elle's picture

Hi, i have somewhat of the same story. I met my BF back in 2017 he he had officially ended his 6 year relationship a year before and he had a kid from this relationship. At the time I met his daughter she was 6 about to be 7 and I didn't mind that he had a kid, obviously I was so not aware of what it would become to be in this emotional mess. I figured that I had been a step child and that maybe god had sent me this as a blessing to return all the love,affection and discipline that was put on me by my step grandparents. But boy was I wrong. After a few months of dating him and somewhat having some "relationship" with his daughter. I find out I'm pregnant with his child. We move in together and that's when I realize that being a step parent to a child who has an evil mother that has so much power over her child puts a big strain on my relationship with my bf. Now with our toddler and his 10 year old things get pretty frustrated since dad feels bad for my SD that sometimes he isn't parenting the right way. He also power trips me sometimes just because I clash with SD. But I cannot help to feel that he wants me to be the perfect step mom and give his child the same love I give our child. I also feel like he is always finding an "excuse" for SD as to why she acts the way she does. I know how it feels to sometimes feel alone in the parenting world. And how they sometimes are too blind or lazy to recognize that their kids could be the ones that are the issue.