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Do skids bring clothes or do you keep clothes?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

This has become a serious issue and question... when I came into the picture and dated DH SD10 brought i bag of clothes for the weekend and took it back with her when she left. I think DH kept maybe a pair of pjs just in case she had a accident ( SD was very young) when DH and I moved in together I of course had my BS8 with us... I think SD got jealous of BS permanent living status with us so she brought over a ton of clothes to keep here.. ok cool no big deal... but I wash them! She put them with bios clothes ! Since then DH and I have DS3 and DD 11 months and the clothes are getting out of hand! I already have to wash clothes for 3 kids SD clothes?! She brings more and more clothes ! She is here EOW and I don't see the need for all these clothes! Winter and summer clothes. It has gotten worse since DD was born and she brought over a whole suit case of clothes which she never wears! SD shares a room and very small closet with DD. The closet is already packed with DD old baby clothes I'm holding for a friends and blankets and DD has one same side of the closet and SD has the other side! SD has clothes on hangers with tags still ( must be nice to not wear clothes yet money was spent on them) so today I had to move over DD winter clothes on SDs side because DD got a lot of summer clothes from family and donated clothes ( she is quickly growing) i just don't want it to be drama women SD comes over and why must SD bring over sooo many clothes if she already has more

then enough here?!? What do you guys do?


Thefatherismyfamily's picture

You should make her bring them home. I don't think her mom likes knowing that all her clothes are at your house and probably feels  petty asking for them back. Slowly pack them up for her each time she goes home. I'm sure her mother would appreciate it. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right , I know when my BS8 would visit his dad I didn't like it when he would keep clothes there because I didn't have money to buy extra and would tell him to buy his own clothes if he wants to keep them there. BM said something once about clothes and I guess SD told BM she wanted to leave some but also SD has not been living with BM for half a year so BM prob is not aware. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Skids live at the divorce house half the time but their rooms are practically empty because they keep all their clothes at BMs house. Home for them is at BMs which we have no problem with. We hope it stays that way.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I pointed out to DH how many clothes SD has here currently because I was trying to move around DD stuff. He said when she comes over this weekend he will ask her to keep what she still wears and I'm thinking that solves nothing because she will say she still wears it all... ugh men... mainly the sweaters need to go because they are bulky and take up more room. The stuff with the tags also 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

make a big to do about going through the clothes because of the changing seasons. Everything that came from BMs gets neatly folded, packed and shipped back to her “to be nice”. From then on only the clothes you buy for your house stays there so “bm isn’t missing something”. 

Also, if closet space is an issue, maybe pack all of baby’s outgrown stuff in totes and store elsewhere?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup good idea! I go through my kids clothes every so often and took out clothes they don't wear to donate. This will need to be done or SD can take her clothes home. I will pack up DD baby clothes also to make room but SD sees it has she has space she wants to full just to fill

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs bring nothing with them, because BM refuses to send anything with them. She claims that DH never sent anything home, but really, things are sent home and then get lost in her trash heap of a house. We used to buy clothes for them and then they would want to take them home. BM also thought it was DH's responsibility to provide everything they would wear at our home and then used to request that things like winter coats or dressy clothing get sent home. I bought the kids shirts once, before DH and I were married, because DH wanted to get pictures with Santa. As soon as BM saw the picture, she put in a request that he send the shirts home with SSs and I said, "no way!" 

Now, they are teens and I've stopped caring if they wear the same clothes the entire time they are with us. They have pajamas at our home and usually a warmer sweatshirt, in case it gets cold. They also have extra underwear and tshirts, but rarely tell us when things don't fit, so who knows what fits them anymore. 

They still bring nothing, even if DH asks them to bring things with them. It's a very weird situation, BM would rather that her kids go without than send them with anything (I also think she's too disorganized to make sure they bring anything with them and they are helpless, even though they are now teens).

tog redux's picture

The dynamic changed when you had kids and she wants to feel part of things.

We had clothes at our house for SS. He did his own laundry, starting around age 11-12. He didn't have to do it weekly, just whenever it was needed. DH had already been teaching him how to do laundry before we moved in together, so it was no big deal.

I wouldn't have minded doing his with ours except that when asked to put his dirty laundry in the hamper, he'd scoop up everything, clean or dirty, and put it in there.

10 is not too young to learn to do laundry.

ndc's picture

DH and BM have 50/50 custody of skids, so they have complete wardrobes at each house. Stuff still goes back and forth, because no one limits (or pays much attention to) what they're wearing when they go between houses. DH and BM aren't high conflict, so it's not a big deal.

In your case, I totally understand the space issue, but not the laundry. Unless your SD is changing clothes multiple times a day, I'd think she wears the same amount of clothing at your house whether it's hanging in her closet or going back and forth in a bag. So what she wears needs to be laundered - unless you're expecting her to take her dirty laundry home for BM to wash, which doesn't seem reasonable.

I think your DH needs to do 2 things - (1) force SD to purge her closet/drawers to an amount appropriate for the time she spends with you, and pack up out of season clothes to either take back to BM or store elsewhere in your home (like underbed boxes or totes in the attic or basement) and (2) learn how to do laundry properly and step up his help in that area.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Sorry this issue is not me washing her clothes ... I think some people got mixed messages from me. SD puts her clothes in with DD so I wash them and I have been washing them and I don't mind washing them. It's a lot yes but I have 3 kids so it's a lot anyways. I don't expect her to do her own laundry because she isn't here that often and I normally do laundry on mondays since I'm busy during the weekend. I was washing DD clothes on a Saturday and DH did ask her to fold her clothes. I have taught BS8 how to wash his clothes but I don't fully expect him to do it all the time and BS8 offers to help fold. The issue is only the amount of clothes of clothes she has here. I don't BM knows just hoe much because she doesn't live with SD at the moment but when she did BM was texting DH for clothes back and I don't want her to do that when SD moves with BM in a few weeks I believe. I showed DH SD clothes she currently has here and he agreed he would tell her to pack up whatever she isn't using and take back to BM. She even has clothing in the garage we are "storing" flip flops everywhere, she has totes of shoes under her bed she wanted to keep here also

hereiam's picture

She just wants to feel that she belongs and that it is her home, too. But she does not need to bring ALL of her clothes to keep there.

Definitely have your husband sort through them with her and take a bunch back to Mom's.

advice.only2's picture

In our house everybody does their own laundry. I started that years ago when DH and the kids would leave stuff in their pockets and it seemed it was always my clothes taking the brunt of the abuse.

When Spawn did live with us she and BD shared a closet and there were times when Spawn had more clothes than BD and would put stuff on BD's side of the closet. When that started to happen I would tell her to go through and start getting rid of stuff that was too small or that she no longer wore.

skatermom's picture

Buy her a hamper of her own to keep her dirty clothes in and have her wash her own clothes.  I have 3 step daughters and 2 BDs.  I did this and I no longer care what they do with their clothes.  If they want clothes at their moms, they can take them back.  Not my problem, I'm not involved.

Maxwell09's picture

Nope. Luckily I came here in the beginning of my step journey and found that clothes were such a huge point of contention. It is in everyone's best interest of peace that you just keep the clothes purchased at your house at your house. No packing bags but the skid can wear what they want. Based on our schedule my SS8 wears his school uniform to BM's during the school rotation and then in the summer time I let him wear play clothes that I won't mind going missing or getting ruined. 

This cuts out having to replace anything of hers that gets ruined or lost, it keeps the things you like home and safe, it gets rid of the need for unannounced drop ins by bm and stepkids if they left something behind and it keeps the kid from stressing out over "living out of a suitcase". 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I would rather SD just wear what we have bought her and keep here but she insist on bringing more Clothes each time. We will have a chat with her this weekend

Kee-khe's picture

Whatever she brings from BMs goes back with her to BMs. Whatever you guys buy her, stays at your home. Firmly tell her to set her dirty laundry aside from your baby girl's and make her do her own laundry. She is 10. I started learning to do my own laundry when I was 8 years old. It is not that difficult. If she refuses, let it stink up, it's not your problem to deal with, it's hers. If she continues to bring clothes just stick them in bags and send them right back home with her.