Questioning the last 12 years
Last night DH and I argued about SD18 again. I realized during the discussion that he is a major part of the problem and has made things far more difficult for me than he needed to.
I’m coming from a place of hurt and pain right now. I’m processing the loss of a relationship with my IL’s and I’m processing the fact that SD18 has never wanted a relationship with me and continues to be a real source of pain in my life. She has diagnosed borderline personality disorder and currently refuses any type of help. She brings chaos and drama wherever she goes and has significantly impacted my mental health and my DD15. I’ve given so much to SD18 and IL’s it is just painful. I loved SD18 like my own daughter, and I loved my IL’s as my own family. For 9 years my MIL lived with us to help out when we had my 2 SD’s (.50% of the time). We had other options for childcare, but I loved her and enjoyed having her around. Also, it seemed like the best thing for my SD’s they had a very close relationship with her, so it made them comfortable. I thought so much of her and my now deceased FIL we took them on several vacations where we paid for the majority of the trips.
A lot has changed since then. Now my SD18 has discarded myself and my daughter. She tells people terrible and untrue things about me and I have no way of defending myself because I can’t even guess what is being said. MIL is on team SD18 and has turned the rest of the family against me. Ouch. I lost my own Mom 8 years ago and MIL became really important to me…so it was even worse. MIL and BM are now very close so I worry that MIL will turn SD13 against me too. Lord knows BM and SD18 put lots of pressure on SD13 to hate me too…so far, she doesn’t, or if she does, I’m unaware.
DH is very passive and initially did not step in to defend me to MIL or anyone else in his family. He just buried his head in the sand. This allowed SD18 and MIL to say whatever they wanted unchallenged and of course everyone believed them (still believes them). DH kept telling me to just let it go and he would rather not have a relationship with his family than to confront this. Basically, he said if his family was behaving like this he didn’t want to be around them, but I don’t think it’s the truth. I think the truth is my DH is sadly very weak. I think he has never been able to stick up for himself or anyone else. Unfortunately, his weakness has put me in the position of villain in MIL and SD18’s story. DH did a few months ago confront MIL (years later) about all that had been said but it led to no change. DH said she alleged all sorts of things about me and refused to back down on any of it. MIL of course made it clear she doesn’t blame DH, it is all me. BM, MIL, and SD18 all have the same narrative. That I am controlling DH and he only does what I tell him. This is so far from the truth of my life with DH. He strangely has no problem sticking up to me and often goes too far and becomes hurtful. It is what frustrates me the most about DH. I take all of his venom and he gives the people that deserve it none of it!
I realized that he has no problem saying the hard things to me. He often says them in the most hurtful of ways. I realized he hides behind my strength through all of this but in the background, he is the one making the decisions on how we handle SD’s, BM, and IL’s. I am the kind of person that is open with my feelings and people know where they stand with me. I don’t pretend anything I just am what I am. He is everybody’s favorite person. Mr. good guy with everyone. Last night though I went to sleep realizing that Mr. good guy is actually Mr. bad guy for me. Now I’m processing this and struggling. I resent him, I’m angry, and I’m tired of shouldering all of the blame. It honestly has been too much. I’m a really strong person but why should I carry this weight. It really isn’t mine to carry. These are really his weights to carry; his daughter, his ex-wife, his family. Why am I the one carrying it all. I’m confused and sad and overwhelmed and I just want to scream.