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Has steptalk made you a better or worse step parent?

Lady.Tremaine's picture

My DH knows I'm on some form of step parent vent site. He does not pry because he has decent privacy boundaries

I bring up hypothetical questions based on you guys A LOT

Like:

What if one of the kids just wants us not BM at her graduation?

If BM taught daycare and the kids were a little older would we have them over with the current virus ?

What are your views on kids in the household after high school?

 

What would you do if we have a child and your kids cause a fuss?

 

He always tells me I am overthinking. But in a weird way I don't think I am . Since being here I've definitely been more critical to his parenting. Without you guys I would not have started boundaries. And those boundaries have saved my relationship . Nothing is hotter than a dad being a parent. 

 Anyone else do the overthink reading on here ?  You guys have been inspiration to me to hold my own as I am a giant push over. You can read old blog posts and laugh at me. I'm laughing at my old self so hey! Less pathetic?

Comments

Monkeysee's picture

In a roundabout way, being a SM has made me a better mother. It’s forced me to truly consider what’s in my kids best interest, not just what I want or how I feel about things. I’ve seen the way BM and DH have handled things, and I don’t want that for my child at all. This site has helped me change my perspective on my situation, helped me enforce boundaries without feeling evil or guilty, and completely changed my perception of stepfamilies and the unfair expectations placed on people in our situations. 

I was trying to explain it to my sister yesterday. I told her, if someone complains about an inlaw, & says they don’t mind them but they keep boundaries in place or don’t really feel like family, no one thinks twice about it. They understand that marriage doesn’t always make people feel like family, and people don’t always get along. A stepparent says the same thing about their skids, and people call them evil. It’s a complete double standard. If someone said they don’t like their inlaws children, again no one would think twice. If someone says they don’t like their partners kids, omg what a horrible human being. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yes. This is probably in my top 3 worst thing about being a stepparent. I think having kids makes it worse because then people just lump the skids in like they're just another one of your kids.

Valkyrie's picture

This site has made me realize I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. I didn't really think about parenting styles previously let alone having a Disney Dad on my hands. I've realized I am a good mother to my teen... but I cannot change/ teach my SOs children nor is it my fault or my problem. I have also realized that I am worth more than accepting scraps and that I am strong. As to whether the site has made me a better or worse stepmother, it has simply clarified to me what I will and won't accept, probably much faster than I would have on my own. I can also say one truth about step-parenting - I tried my best but am unwilling to swallow sh*t and pretend like it's chocolate. 

Kes's picture

Neither.  About a year into the relationship with DH, when I saw clearly how the land lay - I ceased having any investment in my relationship with the SDs at all, nor any interest in being a "stepmother".  NPD BM was practicing extreme PAS, and my only goal was to preserve my integrity, my peace of mind, my safety, and my mental health.  I disengaged and remained disengaged until the present - around 17 yrs.  I say safety because one of the things NPD BM did in the first 6 mths was claim she had reported DH to social services.  At that point I made sure I was never alone with them even for 5 minutes.  

My view on kids in the household after 18?  for short periods, maybe - if they were at college full time or between jobs or something.  But this applies to young people I could actually stomach in my house, ie my own daughters for instance.  The SDs have both made attempts to come and live with us over the years, which I have strenuously resisted. 

tog redux's picture

I think you do have to be careful with this site - these are the worst of the worst situations on here, and people are quick to get judgy if people WANT to be engaged with their stepkids or god forbid, actually like them.

After my SS was alienated, I deleted my account here because I hated reading how so many people would be thrilled to have their skids be alienated, when it was causing my DH so much pain. I never wanted it to happen, it was awful, and sometimes the hatred people have for someone their spouse loves is alarming to me.

So beware that you don't carry the negativity from this site into your own situation.

Livingoutloud's picture

This site helped me years ago to leave my exSO who wouldn't put me first, i had adult SD move in with us and it was absolute he$$ on Earth and he wouldn't do anything about it. Step talk was huge help for me during horror of her living with us. People on here still remember some of the stories, my exSD was so bizarre. I ended a relationship and steptalk was huge help for me in the process. I then left steptalk.

I came back under different name, am now happily married and am a stepparent again, one of my adult skids is great and one is quite insane (she is a felon etc) and is currently estranged from us, although she periodically resurfaces and causes problems. My DH always puts me first so it's not something I need to worry about or even blog much about. 

I think this site could make a person worse stepparent if people aren't particularly observant or aware or don't think things through.
 

People come on here with perfectly normal situations but then they read these horror stories and they want to join in. So they start looking for trouble when there is none and become evil stepparents just because they want to join in the club or they refuse to see that their marriage is just plain bad and instead blame skids just because everyone else blames their skids. 

in 99.9% cases on this site the issue isn't how skids are. The issue is DH or SO or DW. So it doesn't matter what kind of skids one has. Their SOs suck, that's the issue. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I came to ST (under a different name) right when DH and I moved in together. I had never had the boys stay in the same house as me before, and I didn't want to screw it up.

I think ST has been both good and bad for me. Good in that I tell DH how it is, don't hide my feelings or thoughts, gives me a place to vent so I can let out the emotion and deal with the situation rationally with DH, etc. Bad because I tend to see everything BM does as evil, and it has become harder not to assume every breath she takes isn't out of spite for me or DH.

I try to look at steplife from all aspects. My DH does stupid sh*t usually out of concern for his kids. Sometimes, it is out of laziness and fear. But I have similar reactions to my family, and it drives him equally bonkers. I went in to steplife with some idea of what I was getting into because it's how I grew up (and crazy abounded there, too). It doesn't faze me the way I think it does others. I'm not a "everyone should love their SKs" type, but I do think some folks need to use the brain they have for something more than a hat rack. That includes realizing that sometimes WE are the problem.

This site has the capacity to provide excellent advice. It also has the tendency to enforce a mob mentality. You have to look at each situation and piece of information differently. The nuances make the difference. Blanket statements and advice don't always work. 

classyNJ's picture

This site and some of the wonderful stepparents on here helped me with the transition of every weekend and few days a week visits to full time with SS17 then 13.  I needed to know where to set my own boundaries and how to talk to DH about them. 

If it didn't help me be a better stepmother, it did help me with being a better wife and partner for DH knowing I had his back.

ndc's picture

It depends. I think it's been good for ME as a stepmother. I see the pitfalls, I call DH out on his Disney Dad behavior and his acquiescence to BM demands, I anticipate problems before they happen and know how to deal with them, I notice red flags when I probably would not have without ST.  I don't think it's been as good for the skids. I used to pour my heart and soul into them; I've toned that down. I still love them, and they love me, but I'm uber aware that I'm not their mother, so I try not to act like it. I do what I need to do to keep them happy, healthy and well behaved in our home. I'm the strictest person in their lives, but honestly, they don't seem to mind that.

A few weeks ago DH said to me, "I wish you could look at SDs the way you look at DD, but I know you can't."  Pre-ST that might have made me feel guilty, now, not at all.

Kee-khe's picture

I think it's helped me alot on a personal level. Before ST, I went above and beyond to create a good family ambience for SD, and was NEVER enough. I had to put up with being cast aside and considered an intruder in MY own home in the weekends. I had to deal with DHs Disney dad behavior and not be able to say one word. Since ST I guess you could say I "grew a pair" and learned what boundaries to put up, how to disengage because I was trying to educate a kid who is not even mine, and I learned to accept that MY family is DH, our son, and me. And I am not forced to include SD in anything. DH can kiss his "big happy family" Vision goodbye. ST really has helped me for the better. I get to focus on myself for once. 

Willow2010's picture

  I was already disengaged by the time I got here and did not marry or live with DH for many years so I did not have to deal with as much as most.  No way was I going to marry into that mess.  So stalk has not swayed me one way or the other.  

But I have seen many marriages destroyed here because so many people give terrible advice.  They also give terrible advice that they would never take themselves.  Read a few blogs and you will see the term RUN many many times by people that have worse situations and would still never leave their DH.  

But I have also seen a lot of GREAT advice here.  You have to learn to filter the bad out. 

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

I think this site has made me have a lot of ahh haa moments and realize that I am not alone.  I would be embarrassed to have spoken about the crap I put up with since day one and prior to joining this group.  I look back on the crap I ate and it's rediculous.  Not just from DH but from BM and SD's!

ldvilen's picture

None of us would be here if it (Steptalk) didn't make us better, and that is the point--to make US better.  Whether or not it makes us a better stepparent is irrelevant, as it is highly subjective as to what is a good stepparent.  For example, many think being a good stepparents means you suck it up and take it for the initial family, look-aside when DH and BM are playing footsie under the table, so to speak, etc.  Someone expecting such makes me want to vomit, but I don’t have to tell anyone here how many people have those expectations.

So, I don’t think being a “better” stepparent is necessarily desirable in this day and age.  Feeling at peace with yourself and your husband and whatever decisions you have made re: connecting (or not) with his children, that is what being better is about.  I see this site as being about a better you and not necessarily about being a better SP.

MollyBrown's picture

There is great advice here and truly terrible advice.  This place taught me that I was blaming the wrong person in my bad marriage. I will always be greatful. 

Jcksjj's picture

What do you consider a "better" stepparent?

I would say no, I disengaged after learning about it on here. But it made me a better parent to my own kids and much, much happier. Since my skid already has a mom, I think myself and my kids are more of a priority for me, so that's the best outcome anyway.

I would say 75% of the advice regarding being a SM, wife, etc on here is great. But then theres sometimes actual discipline/parenting advice given and that tends to be awful, although its probably just a few people that are very vocal about it and the majority just dont discuss it since that's not really what this site's purpose is.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

I would say has the advice made you overly concious or just ready for whatever.

About to do another blog post because my husband is literally being the worst I've seen him.