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Quick question

missginger's picture

When skids (or your bio kids) are in their bedrooms do they normally leave the doors open or closed? Talking 15 years and up.:..

SD16 is in her room a lot more this past year which is awesome but always with the diir open. It's 10pm and she went to "chill" before bed in her room but the f'ing door is open. I hate it because her room is at the top of the stairs. AKA able to hear and see just about 100% of what is said and done throughout the entire house! 

Ideas of how I can get her to close the door without pissing off DH because of course he will have an issue! 

(I swear to God as I'm typing this on my phone in the living room it's like she can hear my nails on the keypad!!!)


missginger's picture

I just had an idea - maybe next time she goes up to "chill" in her room I go up soon after and say "SD I'm going to close your door because I'm going to start watching a show that's not really appropriate and I know you can hear everything when your in your room" (see my other blog about her eavesdropping) Ha I just solved my own issue!!!

Winterglow's picture

 "SD I'm going to close your door because I'm going to start watching a show that's not really appropriate and I know you can hear everything when your in your room"

No. What you do is to get the loudest war movie you can find and put it on max volume. You don't have to sit and watch it. However, it gives you the opportunity to tell her to shut her door if it's too loud. BTW, background movies are great for making conversations difficult to follow ...

Eve-Bee's picture

Narc SD20 does this also, used to drive me crazy! Now I find her quite pathetic, putting all her energy into controlling me and eavesdropping, trying to find information that she can use to cause drama—what miserable life she is choosing to live.

I have found out that she only does these things because it rewards her, in regards to drama supply and supply in relation to being able to control me and consume my headspace(narcs love that)   

So I will give advice based on my situation, so a word of caution this might not be right for you since it is based on living with an adult narc. 

If I were to do the solution you yourself proposed it would not help, because putting a boundary like "you are not old enough for this", will make her even more determined to keep her door open. And, she probably knows all to well that she can pray on how DH is not supporting you on this issue. Thus she is given a prime opportunity to play the victim, cast you in the Persecutor role, and have DH in the rescuer role(which DH probally enjoy, feeling like the best dad ever, saving his princess)(the drama triangle that narcs use to manipulate and get drama supply).

Also, because she would know that she was able to get into my head, with the "I know you can hear everything when your in your room" (imagine SD20 bursting into joy of how powerful she is). You are giving your power away.

My solution here is to stop making it my problem and instead engage DH, but I saw that you have a DH problem. And he seems far too comfortable with not having to parent his daughter or address how miserable this situation is making his wife. Thus as a husband, he should make it his problem. Unfortunately, my DH is quite similar, so I know how painful and hard that is. However, in this situation, SD and DH are happy with the current state and have no desire to change anything. 

Also, what really works is to be as boring as hell. Talk about your work or whatever, gray rocking her into boredom(narcs hate that) which she hates(interestingly, I have found that this always makes SD20 close her door). 

Also showing her that she cannot control me (if your SD is like mine, be prepared for a massive reaction of anger when you stop giving her this option), I will be living my life like she did not exist (narcs hate that), but making sure that no private information that can be used against me is disclosed, so no drama supply(narcs hate that also) Also, whatever she does she is not able to push my buttons and get any reaction from me (If she can just keep her door open and it drives you crazy, she is given alot of power with very little effort) Further, engaging in self-care outside the home is very healthy, but unfortunately hard in the corona times. 

In your situation, I guess it would be good to start by finding out how this behavior and toxic dynamic is rewarding your SD? and your DH?

You can take your power back through putting up healthy boundaries.

Iamwoman's picture

I-m so happy Yes!

Be boring.

DH and I acted utterly boring around skids for a solid year, and this is when skids stopped spying all of the time.

Boring things to discuss: 

The weather



... basically you discuss concrete things around you that you can plainly see, and avoid discussing anything abstract, such as plans, opinions, opinionated observations, past events, etc.

Your DH doesn't have to be on board for this work.

If DH brings up anything abstract, you simply say "I don't feel like discussing this right now. Let's talk about it (pick a day when SD isn't there)."

If he insists on the discussion right then, you have a right to demand that he respect your personal boundaries. Being forced into an unwanted conversation is disrespectful and borderline abusive.

missginger's picture

Actually we both have been doing this. We never talk about plans in front of her. A couple times he has mentioned something in front of her I didn't want her to know about so I shut the conversation down immediatley. As for boring - I try to find the most boring things on tv and she ends up liking the shows! One was on an experiamental blood procedure to save a girls life and last night was a documentary on the tree pangolin. (google it. they are adorable!!) 

I just am getting tired of waiting to have conversations with DH becuase she is here and awake. 

Goodluck's picture

Why are you worried your dh will be angry IF you close the door?

Anyway,  our kids arent in their rooms unless they are going to bed. We dont have a door issue. Doors closed at night, doors always open during the day. BUT, no one hangs out in their bedrooms.

missginger's picture

You have teenagers that don't hang in their rooms? Do you also have a unicorn in your backyard?

Left out mama's picture

Sing! Sing loudly and off key. Be as obnoxious, annoying, and embarrassing as possible. 
or better yet start talking about bodily functions... gas pains, droppy boobs, whatever it takes to make her to NOT want to listen to you.

annoying her in the processs is just icing on the cake. *biggrin*

lieutenant_dad's picture

Just close the door. If your DH gets snippy, just calmly tell him that you're trying to give everyone in thr house privacy. He can continue to be snippy and gruff if he wants, but that doesn't make him right. But being passive-aggressive with a teenager isn't a good solution.