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Heartbroken and overwhelmed

Dancinmama's picture

My husband was the love of my life. I was 48 when I finally said 'I do' for the first time in 2018. I left an amazing well paying job in Japan to marry him in the states.   I have 1 daughter 14. He has 2 sons 14 and 16 and 1 daughter 9. 

When we got married both sons and my daughter lived with us. Fast forward 11 months...  SS 14 wants to move in with BM that lives in another stat . Then, he starts coming on to my daughter. She shows us a text of  him asking to come down to her room after parents are in bed. We talk to him to stop creeping out his stepsister. It's weird ...blah blah. He stops. Check in with daughter daily. It has stopped.  There is tension between them. They don't talk. He moves in with BM end of Dec 2019. 

Jan 2020, other stepson gets text from girl at school asking why his brother was hitting on my daughter.  My husband is FURIOUS with my daughter. She has ruined his sons reputation and he will never want to live with him again.  He yells at my daughter saying this. 

Daughter starts acting strange. Comes out that he didn't just do that one text. He had been going downstairs and creeping out her out for a couple of weeks. She would find him in her bedroom after school, he tried touching her, showing inappropriate sexual memes and videos between steps. 

Now daughter doesn't understand why she's the one in trouble when she didn't do anything wrong. 

Fast forward to Feb daughter tries to commit suicide. She is screaming don't touch happened right there.....why am I in trouble again? 

Take her to hospital, she is diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. 

Now husband wants divorce. He sees situation as impossible.  I want to talk it out through family counseling but since ss is with BM in another state hubby says it is impossible.  My daughter doesn't ever want to see 14 year old SS again. Ever. Can't say I blame her.

I have moved all my stuff downstairs and am living with my daughter. Her mental health is a mess. I am a mess. There's a pandemic going on.

I feel betrayed.  I took those vows seriously.  For better, for worse, sickness and health.......this is the worse part, the sickness part and my daughter and I are thrown to the curb. There was no trying, no therapy, no family discussions.....he just gave up that easy.

Just breaks my heart. 

What do I do now? Daughter will need years of therapy to work through this. I am on my husbands insurance. We divorce and that leaves my daughter and I struggling financially, unable to seek medical help till I get job with insurance.....and like that can happen with a pandemic going on. I feel lost, overwhelmed, angry, sad and compassionate for all sides. I love my hubby....I don't want a divorce. But, my daughter is my priority.  Her healing, her mental health. If hubby doesn't want to help in that process other than to leave. ...then well.....he's right. It's over.....cause he won't even try. 

Thank you for letting me rant. 

hereiam's picture

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this, especially considering everything else that is going on in the world, right now.

Your husband is obviously not the loving, committed, partner that you thought he was. He's blaming your daughter for something HIS son did and now he wants a divorce?

I don't think that I would want to be with him.

The least that he could do, after what his son has done to your daughter, is to not push a divorce, right now, so that you can have health insurance and get on your feet.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - OP, why do you still love this guy when he's treating your daughter like dirt to protect his creeper son?  And not even out of concern about his son, but out of concern for HIMSELF, that SS "won't want to live there anymore".  Let me guess, he wants to "win" over BM and not pay child support? And for that, you and your daughter get thrown under the bus.

This guy is not a good person or a good partner. Take your daughter and move out now if you can, but if not, make plans for moving out when this is over. If you don't, don't be surprised if you end up estranged from her when she's an adult because she's angry that you chose your husband over her.  Or if she has a father, perhaps you should give him full custody.

Kes's picture

So sorry to hear about this awful situation you're in.   I think your husband is probably right, sad to say - this would be a very difficult situation to resolve within the marriage - and certainly impossible if he is not willing to try.   Have you any relations who might be willing to take you and your daughter in, in the short term? 

susanm's picture

Are you working now?  If not, perhaps removing your daughter far from the situation would be a good idea once this pandemic subsides.  Is there any possibility of returning to your former company in Japan?  As far as the healthcare issue goes, there is every reason to include continuance of coverage as part of the divorce settlement so long as the company allows it.  But depending on the laws of your state you can delay the actual divorce for some time.  Obviously you need to consult with an attorney to determine your rights and options.

tog redux's picture

You can't cover someone with health insurance who isn't your partner or spouse.  Even if the court ordered it, the insurance companies won't do it.

futurobrillante99's picture

Try to get your job in Japan back. If your husband loves you he can do the right thing and be angry with his son for being a perv.

Rags's picture

Press charges immediately.  Put that POS in prison and on the lifetime sexual predators list and see how daddy likes that lifetime label of his failed parenting following HIM around for the rest of his failed parent life.I am so sorry your daughter has had to go through this.  I know it breaks your heart.

Your DH has shown he is not worthy of you.  Move on.  Make sure you take him for every penny he has in order to be able to care for your daughter.  This failed father and his pervert spawn have taken innocence from your daughter for the rest of her life.

Destroy them.

Stressed19's picture

Is the house in both of your names? If so, you can get a restraining order, have your daughter save all texts on her phone that ss sent her. He will have to get out and divorce can be prolonged as much as you want!

Dancinmama's picture

Daughter and I are packing up and heading out. She doesn't want to stay in this house. SS is living with mom in another state and she STILL has nightmares.  Heading to my family cross country.  She will heal from this. We both will. And how is YOUR pandemic quarantine going?

Rags's picture

Congratulations and good luck to you and your daughter.  Enjoy life without this nightmare of a shallow and polluted gene pool infecting your lives.

strugglingSM's picture

Your SS is a predator and your DH is enabling his predatory behavior. This will not be the first time that your SS does this. Your DH should be less concerned about his son's reputation and more concerned about the fact that unless something changes, he will likely end up in jail for the rest of his life. 

I agree with the others - get out as fast as you can and don't look back. Sue your DH not only for divorce, but for some sort of settlement for your daughter. 

Dancinmama's picture

DH came straight out and told me he doesn't believe my daughter. That she is making a big deal out of nothing to get her way.....what way is that exactly. dead?  He thinks his son did NOTHING wrong and my daughter is just crazy and making it up as she goes along.  WTF!!

We are gone. We left last week. Her nightmares are less. She is smiling more and not terrified to be alone. I am 100% Sure it is the right choice. DH is giving me his stimulus check plus $800 to help us move. Ain't that freakin sweet?  Wish I NEVER had to see or speak to the misogynistic ass again!