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Freaking Coronovirus....

jelly035's picture

Background:  I married my husband when he had full custody of his 14 year old son.  I was 48 married with no children for the first time.  the ss is good, nice to me, gets good grades, no drugs, etc.  He is completely lazy.  He games all the time.  Fast forward to last year. FINALLY went away to college. OMG.  what a breath of fresh air. I FINALLY have a marraige!  he came home over xmas break and my husband and I fought, which we always do over him. He does minimal around the house and only when I get after him.  My husband has been on and off unemployed over the entire time we have been married.  It is his house.  I have pretty much kept the family/house together during our 3 years of marraige.  I have a great job and make good money. Finally my husband has landed a job and things have settled down.  Now SS is coming back EARLY from college.  I now have him for five months.  The kid hasn't had a full time job ever.  Last summer after 3 years of complaining he FINALLY got a part time pizza delivery job.  works great so he could game all night, work a few hours, go back to gaming.  I have told my husband I will not deal with that again this summer. He MUST get a full time job. He is out of $ for college next  year (he had $ from his dead BM to get through his first year) and we will NOT cosign a loan (or at least what i have said). 

So I need some advice. I want to set up some "ground rules" with him coming home for 5 months.  I don't want this to ruin my marraige but I am getting tired of this.  I should have stayed single and never gotten married, I already realized that years ago.  I am going to try and stay in the marraige (I do love my husband but we ONLY argue about his son and how spoiled he is).  I keep talking about our future and how I want to plan for it and I NEED to see his son as someone who can "launch" .  I haven't seen it. DH does EVERYTHING for him.  I keep trying to get DH to see that he is NOT helping.  He needs to adult. I would like to set up some "parameters" on expectations for being here over the 5 months.  I want to have certain chores to help around the house and having a job.  I don't really care about a curfew, or friends over, since he is pretty antisocial most of the time..but do you all have any thoughts/suggestions on what has worked for you with your college kids? he is 19 and I feel that asking for help around the house and having a full time job is reasonable.  I will no longer cook for him (he is completely picky and ungrateful when I do) and won't be changing the way my husband and I have our lives, but will be happy to buy him food he can cook himself (which is also minimal).  I know I sound bit7chy but I am tired of having a SS now.  I want a normal marraige if possible.  I just need some advice on what to ask for and expect.  I don't know if my husband will support or even help me have this happen...that is another whole sotory....

thank you!

tog redux's picture

DH is your problem. Get on him to parent his kid. It won't work for you to do it if DH just undermines you. 

Kes's picture

^^^This^^^ if where you are is anything like the situation here in the UK, supermarkets are desperately hiring loads of extra staff.  He can get a job in one of those.  But then this is only going to happen if his ineffective father adopts the same hard line with him - what's the chances of that?  Snowball in hell comes to mind. 

Harry's picture

The real reason his first marriage broke up.  DH does what he wants with no concerns for his partner.  This is the way DH is, first wife leavings did not make him see the light. Nothing will 

Winterglow's picture

Remind him that it's his duty as a father to ensure his son has a normal adult life - job, earning, future, pulling his weight in his own place; etc. If he balks, then tell him that you married him, not him and his son and that 3 in a marriage seldom works... and it ain't working for you to think you're going to have an extra guy in the house forever. 

You say you make good money, well, start actively looking for a place for yourself. Maybe that will shock your dh into action. Even if it doesn't, it will remove you from this unbearable situation. If your DuH ants to live with an idle slob for the rest of his life, let him, but you certainly don't have to.

Rags's picture

Turn off the internet during work hours every day.  I would also consider shutting off all power to the house during work hours and locking the pantry, fridge and freezer.

See how SS likes going hungry and being cold/hot all day with no internet.   My forecast is that he will get a job in a hurry.... once the virus  panic has subsided.

Lizzylemon's picture

Your concerns are legitimate. Ss19 needs to have a full time job and at least pick up after himself. When I got married last year I had to go full blown North Korea on my household immediately since dh and sd9 were raised feral. Though dh says I'm a dictator when he gets upset at my house rules it's the only way that works for us. Have clear house rules for everyone to follow and call them out on their missteps. My dh knows I lose my sh** if things are chaotic and I keep everyone a little afraid of what the repercussions are if house rules are not followed. Be firm in your expectations and explain to your dh that you just want Ss19 to live a happy, fulfilled and self sufficient life because there will be a day when dh is not around to take care of his son. That's how I explained it over and over again to my dh and it's slowly worked. Good luck to you! 

Willow2010's picture

the ss is good, nice to me, gets good grades, no drugs, etc.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 So this stuck out to me.  It is great that you can say this about a skid.  

He is only 19, a good kid and only going to be there for 5 months.  So this is what I would suggest for you and your DH. 

1). SS must pick up after himself.  If he leaves anything out in common areas...Tell DH to pick it up.  You stop getting after his kid.  

2)  No food or drink in SSs room.  Other than that...don't worry about his room. 

3). Once a month...SS has to deep clean the common areas.  (Living room-dining room-kitchen).  DH is in charge of making sure that is done.  If not done...then DH can deep clean them or he can pay to have someone do it.  (You have to stop caring how this boy turns out as long as you make DH understand that DH is responsible for him launching in a reasonable amount of time)

You need to disengage and let DH handle his adult kid.  I would not worry about SS getting a job right now.  It is going to be difficult for anyone to work at the moment.  

You sound a lot like I did.  I am a giant control freak.  It almost become a mission to make your DH bend to YOUR will about HIS kid/adult.  Find the disengagement post here somewhere.  

Rags's picture

Doing what they should be doing does not make anyone good.  It makes them average.  "Good" requires more than just what they should be doing.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Stop caring and make everything your DH's problem.  Until everyone contriutes equally, you do nothing.  If you can't bear to see things lying around, tell DH and skid that objects not put away will be trashed and follow through.  Junk left in common areas go into a big black sack.  

You DH needs to be more afraid of you than the skid.

Harry's picture

He likes playing DISNEY daddddy to his son.  You let your DH disrespect you so of course SS disrespect you also. It's DH you have to lay down the law to. Make him either respect you, or you must do something about it.  Not live that way