You are here

New here, tired of dealing with crazy BM

megpennysil's picture

Hi everyone. I'm currently seeing my boyfriend who I met a little over a year ago. He has been wanting me to move in although I am a little apprehensive because he has a child (daughter) who isn't the best behaved kid and also has a crazy ex. His ex, BM, falsely accused him of stalking her and it gets better. She also keeps asking him for money even though he pays his court ordered child support on time every month! She is in debt and lives beyond her means. Anyways when they first broke up she told all of their friends and family that he was stalking her when HE LEFT HER!!! He left her because he had enough of her craziness (long story) but after he moved out she told him she missed him and then they started talking again briefly. During this time she was online dating and she met a loser and she also told this guy he was stalking her and that he would not leave her alone. This created a lot of drama as my boyfriend was unaware of what was going on exactly until she suddenly quit contacting, blocked his number and blocked him on all of her social media even though they share a child together! Anyways I have had enough of crazy and thier daughter is just like her, always causing drama. I do not trust his daughter because I have caught her in so many lies and manipulations so I keep my distance. I love him, he is a great guy but I do not see a future with this being a packaged deal with so much drama!

hereiam's picture

Sounds like it's time to move on.

Do NOT move in with him, regardless of whether you keep dating him or not.

Rags's picture

Not worth the drama. 

My XW and I agreed to go through with an amicable non contested divorce when she decided she was done.  

Neither of us could afford the home we had purchased together on our own. So we decided that she would move to the opposite side of the house and we would live semiseparate lives until the house sold.  It went well for several months.

Then... we had to deal with my mom's car.  My mom  had left her sports car with us for the entire 2 years of that blessedly short marriage for my DW to use. It was a girl bonding thing. When mom and dad were in the States on vacation they would use mom's car. While they were overseas, it was my XW's car to use.

When XW decided to leave,  mom wanted her car away from the crazy whore who had a history of slashing people's tires and keying paint jobs when they pissed her off. Mom came for a visit and at the end of her visit  I took mom on a road trip to drop her and her car off at my grandparent's house.  

When I flew back a week later my STBXW met me at the airport and was a whacked out Hag.  While I was gone her night shift neonatal ICU coworkers who were all divorced got it into her head that it was impossible to have an amicable divorce and my STBXMIL got into STBXW's head that she needed to go after everything rather than stick by the offer that STBXW had made regarding division of assets and which I had accepted.

So... it was game on.  I ultimately crammed STBXW back into the box she built with her original offer.  Fortunately, I did not pollute my gene pool by spawning with that crazy biotch.

If my DW allowed what your BF allows, I would have never married her. Fortunately my DW is incredible and we have had an amazing 25+ year marriage. That includes raising SS-27 together, keeping the SpermClan firmly under control and making a great life together.

Do not burden your future and life with this shit show.

Take care of you.

tog redux's picture

Good for you for seeing the red flags - you didn't even once say he was "amazing" and that you have a "perfect" relationship except for his enormous baggage, like so many who come on here.  This stuff doesn't really get better without a lot of damage being done. In our case, once DH got BM under control after a lot of drama, she then ruined and alienated his son, which created more stress and drama. He sees his son now, but he's a hot mess.

If you stay, be prepared for the long haul - and expect him to set his boundaries and protect you from all of this nonsense. You don't say whether or not he gives her the money she asks for - if he doesn't, that's a good sign. If he DOES, that's a really bad sign.  IMO, the only way this works marginally is if DH has the balls to stand up to her and doesn't dance to her tune. So if he has trouble with that, then there's another huge red flag.


shamds's picture

skid issues not addressed screams disney dad, guilty dad parenting and for those of us who went through it or currently going through it, its insane and we can scream and demand all we want, but alot of these bio parents excuse the shitty behaviour and claim cod as an excuse or tell you to suck it up

CLove's picture

It sounds like you have a clear vision. Its good to read on here and post, and it really helps get that clarity early on.

I JUSt had this discussion with DH last night. About his Toxic Baggage, and how I wish I didnt have to deal with it any more. 4 years until child support ends. He JUST made his last Alimony payment after 3 years and 11 months. She called him names and threatened him with court and increased child support a few weeks ago. Read my blogs to get an idea of what my last 6 years have been like. 

And Im one of the LUCKIER ones.

ldvilen's picture

There's the problem right there:  "Tired of dealing with crazy BM."  You should NOT be dealing with her at all.  Your BF or DH should be.  And, before you even think of moving in with him or any man with children, he needs to prove this to you first--that he himself can deal with his crazy ex-wife/ BM.  Keep in mind too, there are many divorced men out there with kids who'd love nothing more than for their new woman to take on their battles for them regarding the ex- and raising their children. 

Usually the man pushing to have his GF move in with him is the one, because he wants his woman there as a buffer--to protect him and to "give him the courage," and usually the courage never comes.  Really!  Far from being a unicorn a divorced dad is more likely to be a reverse damsel in distress waiting for a princess to come and rescue him from the evil witch.  Don't go there.  If he can't handle her, you certainly won't be able to, nor will the both of you.  BM will just use you both "going after her" (that'll be the way she'll put it) as justification for PAS'ing the kids, and then you'll both wind up trying to deal with that too--kids who hate you--because children almost always follow BM's impressions about dad and/or SM regardless, even as adults.

megpennysil's picture

Thank you. I do love and care about my BF a lot but the more I am in tune with how his actual life is the more doubtful I am about our future together. 1. I do not want to parent a child that I cannot really parent, meaning I do not want to contribute to a parent child relationship when the child is disrespectful and spoiled and I cannot do anything about it. 2. The birth mom drama is just too much and I really don't like have his ex as a constant presence on our lives, wether she is physically present or not, it just feels weird and invasive. Anyone feel me?