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First event for SS5 with BM. She has to look like a fool

Kona_California's picture

God I can't stand BM. I am so good to her kid. SO. GOOD. To her kid. I enjoy being in his life and helping BF take care of him. And he loves me. I've never done anything negative to her, ever. Even though she's emailed me at WORK with passive aggressive statements, I was still very polite and said I want to stay out of her and BF's dialogue. She constantly belittles BF and nags him to parent in very specfiic ways. She's so easily set off with abusive language and threats and crossing boundaries that I told BF we need to pull back on how much we interact with her. We don't need her dictating to us how we should run our household.

When he said he wanted to go with email only and not use What'sapp any longer, she threatened to take him to court. Like she always does when she wants to get her way. He finally stood his ground and said no, we can do email or OFW or a combination of the two. Let me know what you decide. She responded saying she needs to be able to text for time-sensitive issues. She suggested that since I probably feel insecure, she could do a group text message to include me. I hate how she's allowed to talk so much sh!t about me and to BF, but I can never say anything back since I'll look like the monster. I already told her I don't want to be involved because this is between BF and BM, and I shouldn't forced to receive all kinds of abusive messages. BF has finally understood that her over-communication is not for SS5's well-being. It's for BM's indulgances. 

Yesterday SS5 had his last basketball game on BM's day and SS5 asked if we were going to be there. It made BF sad and he really wanted to be there. Even though I can't stand the woman, I do want to support important events because it means the world to SS5 when he sees us show up. So we went and I was nervous as hell. This was the first time we all went to something like this. I was very kind to BM's family who was there, and they were kind to me too. BM was pissy, gave me dirty looks, and at one point when SS5 was upset after a game and me and BF went to console him, she sprinted past us, almost ran into me, and barked "I GOT IT." It's just so frustrating and sad how much she makes all of this about her and not her kid. She wouldn't care that me and BF would have been able to console him. She wanted it to be because of HER. 

I'm just reflecting on how proud of myself I am. I really didn't want to go, but I did to support SS5 and BF. I went with a genuine smile, held back my emotions, and was comlpetely non-confrontational. BM really looked erratic and I think her immaturity stood out since everyone else was able to be cool. As I was saying bye to her family they gave me hugs, I automatically gave BM a hug too to be nice since I felt like there was a spotlight on us. It made me laugh at how much she recoiled and wouldn't say bye back to me. There is literally NO reason to dislike me since I've been sooooo removed, and such a positive role in her kid's life, other than she's jealous her ex is with someone else. 

What are your all's experiences like when you go to events with all the parents there?


hereiam's picture

In 23 years, I've had very little contact with BM (who I'm pretty sure has BPD).

My SD didn't have any events to attend until she had her first kid at eighteen. Although SD told DH she would make sure BM was not there when we came to visit (because he seriously has PTSD when it comes to her), she was there. Of course she was because everything is all about her.

She was all fake nice, I was overflowing with natural personality! Haha!

As much smack as she talked about me behind my back, she would never show her ass or make a scene because she wants everyone to think she is the sane one. Bitch is far from it but she sure can put on an act.

She does make a fool of herself, though. For example, when SD's husband showed up (straight from the airport, as he was stationed overseas), before he could even get to SD's side, BM squealed like a school girl, jumped up, and hugged and kissed him, as if she was his teenage wife (instead of SD). I was embarrassed for her, she looked ridiculous.

Just keep being your classy self, you'll be fine. Let BM trip herself up all that she can.

My SD is now 28 and I gotta say, I'm glad those years are behind me!

Funny side note. SD told DH later, that after DH and I left, her husband's mom mentioned how pretty I was and BM said, "Yes, she really is." I'm sure that literally pained her!!

Kona_California's picture

How obnoxious! Yeah that would make me cringe. There's a fine line between being polite and cordial vs being over-the-top saccharine. When you described the interaction with squeeling over SD's husband it totally reminded me of our BM. That need for attention is so obvious they're insecure. And you know what, having a little insecurity on both sides is normal I think. But it's another story when you allow it to crontrol your actions and poison you to hate the other person for no other reason. 

Good for you for not letting that garbage bring you down!

Ispofacto's picture

Next time you go to an event like this, sit in a way that you can't see BM.  It's no fun giving nasty looks to someone who is ignoring you.

Don't console SS when BM is around.  Let her do it.


Kona_California's picture

I was trying to position myself in a place like that but it was really difficult. I just did my best to not look at her at all. The one or two times I glanced I caught a death stare. 

It's hard to know what to do with these situations.... I know now when BM is around I won't console him. He just came and sat near us while BM was farther away so naturally we went over. I just think she was over the top about it. 

CLove's picture

Im 5.5 years in, and for the past, oh, 4 years Toxic Troll BM and I are NOT in contact at all. She is supr abusive, but makes out like she is the reasonable one and I am the problem. She recently crashed my MIL's vigil, and was NOT at all wanted there, but insisted on going and staying and had to me told by my DH's sister to please not attend any further. But she made ME out to be the problem.

Just grey rock the biotch. You do for skiddos because you want to benefit THEM and help SO. You will NEVER get ANY appreciation from BM.

Kona_California's picture

I love the term grey rock. I looked it up and that's essentially what I've been going for, but it's a good image to go back to if I'm feeling fired up. 

You're so right about never getting any appreciation from BM. I've never expected it. But when I reflect I'm always a bit stunned at the lengths she's going to stay in the position she's in towards me. 

Iamwoman's picture

My experiences are very similar to yours, Kona (my fave beer btw).

Its been 9 years and the Maggot Queen is still insecure and like yours, projects her own insecurities onto me.

This is why we are all here.

Any sane BM would thank and praise us all. Instead we get cr*pped on.

Kona_California's picture

I love me some Kona beer too, girl! Hana Lei and Longboard are my go-tos but there's so many I haven't tried.

That's why I'm so thankful for this forum and group of people who know this experience. I feel like we're here because a lot of our BMs, and even some SOs, have NPD. Our BM projects, gaslights, thinks she's god's gift to the planet, so entitled, crosses boundaries, and has no remorse for her actions. 

Iamwoman's picture

I've got about 15 Big Waves sitting in my refrigerator. The Big Wave is Kona's golden ale. I actually have not tried the Hana Lei. I'll have to investigate!

Yes, sadly it seems as if at least half here have DH problems too. Makes you wonder who actually caused the divorce in some cases...

Thanks for sharing your blog. My skids are 15 and 11, and I've been in their life since 6 and 2. Lots of what you are going through. Now I'm disengaged and skids have responded by hiding in their bedroom all weekend. Whatevs.

Ive read that many stepmoms experience skids just simply becoming invisible when we disengage. I really thought DH could have a better relationship with them if I was not involved with it, but apparently it's all about the drama and not the relationship for skids. No drama equals mopey, hiding skids.

Kona_California's picture

That's so sad. Was your relationship with them ever good when they were younger?

I think about SS5 getting older and what that will be like. If he'll still be a good kid and if he'll respect me. Or if he'll hate me because of his mom, or just turn out to be a shit because of how spoiled he gets. 

Iamwoman's picture

I'm sorry I didn't revisit this blog sooner.

No, my relationship with skids has never been good because the Maggot Queen heavily alienated them. She would actually give them presents and rewards for being rotten and destructive at our home.

Skids have wanted to like me. I've seen it on their faces. Maggot Queen won't let them. She is a sick, twisted, psychological abuser.

Cooooookies's picture

Do you know what I see in your story?  MAJOR JEALOUSY.  Just sit back and relax and know that this woman does everything she does, simply because you exist.  Also, thank the stars your BF sticks up to her and enforces.  Most of the reason this site exists is because most DH's/BF's can't do that.

The BM2 I deal with is like that but extremely covert.  She wouldn't look like a fool in front of anyone.  She's more a snake coiled up in the grass, plotting her next move.   I was ok with the jealousy bit, it was the trying to win DH back just so that I couldn't have him that grinded my gears.

After 7.5 years of being told no from DH, I sent a nice long message to BM2 directly.  Listing and clearly proving I knew all along about the homewrecking covert games she had been playing.  Funny how once she knew that I knew, it shut her up.  With the exception of her trying to get SS on her side, which doesn't work because autism doesn't understand subtlety, she's pretty much a non-issue now.

Kona_California's picture

Interesting! Wow I've always wanted to send BM a piece of my mind. That had to have felt good. At a certain point, it's got to be understandably warranted if we're pushed and pushed for years and years to snap. 

I already know if I were to write to the BM I deal with she would just come back with making the situation a lot worse. Saying worse insults, doing extreme things like RTO against me, just because she can.