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Second marriage ss 11 spoiled no consequence!

Happywifehappylife's picture

Here goes...

I need help!

new marriage, second for us both.

my kids 21/24 self sufficient no probs!  I raised them with manners, expectations and respect.

my so, kids 11/14.

11 yr old...

pushes boundaries constantly, does whatever he wants.  No consequence for actions.  He gets more and more and more.  He swears, has access 24/7 to any social media and has accounts.  Has made in appropriate comments online.  Guess what? Still has his phone!

despite was expressing suicidal ideation in Nov.  came home from our honeymoon to horrible behavior! Behavior was directed at his moms boyfriend.  Involved a bat and a lightbulb.

he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety He is actually quite proud of that diagnosis 

he continues to disrespect, including yesterday at school telling his counselor his teacher was a f!!!!!

and stated I'm leaving. He did!  His mom took yet another day off work!

today, he got a new pet!

um told this by my so last night.  Whenever he tells me things I become defensive.  Due to no repercussions.  No cell phone taken, no grounding.

then we argue.

i have or get no say!

hes not suicidal anymore but everyone plays that card with him.  My so was constantly called and asked to run over and fix it!  He did at first, is now better.

his response is a just wait and see.

neither one of his bio parents are doing anything to correct these issues.  

What do I do?

we have been married 3 months and omg!!!

 I'm like wth?
 

love love him.

Help?

so much more to say!

Comments

tog redux's picture

 You will find a lot of similar stories here.  As you have figured out, your DH is the real problem here, he's not parenting appropriately.  It's not your job to parent him and it won't work if you try to be the disciplinarian, all that will happen is that both of his parents will agree with him that you are being too mean and hard on him.

He's only 11, this is likely to get worse.  All you can do is set boundaries on what you will and won't do for him, what you won't accept in your home, and work with DH on his parenting - nothing you can do about BM.

I have to ask - was all of this not clear before you married him? Or did you hope you could help make it better?

Happywifehappylife's picture

No it wasn't this clear!  
These issues have become so severe.

the situation has really just exploded since November 

 

 

Happywifehappylife's picture

Yes it has!!

yes I think she is "drama" in general!!

the things she expects of DH are unrealistic and he is doing a better job saying no to her!

He needs to say no more to ss though.

hes worries that if he pushes too hard that ss will push away!

its only teaching ss that he doesn't have to have respect or any disciplinary action!

 

thinkthrice's picture

BM annnnndddddd......(fill in the blank)

Happywifehappylife's picture

So now most recent arguement was ex wanted us to take dog while she and kids went on vaycay.

its not about the dog but his absolute inability to say no!

he did say no twice to ex and twice to daughter.  We were both working!  So ex tells daughter that dog will go to kennel if we can't take it! So of course  he surprised me to say he said yes!!!!! I lost my shit!  We haven't spoken much since!  He fully admits that his ex and kids manipulate him.  He states it's his shit.  He says this has always worked for him and I should just let him deal with it the way he always has... I was like,  well we are married and this isn't working for me!  
I'm so supportive of him and kids

So many examples of how he can't say no!  I can't live like this and I told him that.   It's so unfair.

why does he allow his ex and then kids to manipulate him?   Why would he marry me if this was how he wanted things to be?  I'm so angry and so irritated!  He wont change!  I have made a counseling appointment for myself.
 Then we could go together.  

If he is willing to see that he is the problem... not his ex or kids?  What do I do?  I straight up told him he is just reinforcing this behavior.  I told him not to complain to me about how she is mistreating him anymore!

 

ndc's picture

If he can't say no to his ex and the skids,  then there really isn't room in his life for a new wife.   If he isn't willing to change and put you before his first family,  then you either resign yourself to a lifetime of drama and no control, or you deliver an ultimatum and follow through on it.

 

Happywifehappylife's picture

So... of course things getting worse!

no boundaries still, I am in counseling once a week to deal with stepson and own self needs.

my spouse and his ex are still incapable of seeing there is a problem!

I know my boundaries, they do not include threatening to slit my throat or hurt their dad... despite bruises on his arm at age 12!

I am setting my boundaries but husband keeps getting upset with me.  I deserve to feel safe in my home!

stepson deserves tough love!!