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Proud of my DH--he did vacation planning! lol.

SMto2's picture

Just when I thought I could not love my DH more, he has come through in a big way. He made all arrangments for the vacation planning with SSs and notified both of them directly. He booked a 4 BR oceanfront beach condo with maid service each day. which was actually several thousand dollars LESS than we spent last year for the beach house!  I will decide how much of the time I'm going as we get closer, but it has a direct flight from where we live, so I may go .later in the week. He emphasized to me that he wanted ME to be happy with what we booked, and that went a long way. The best part is, DH said we are taking OUR DSs to EUROPE in August! We've wanted to go to Europe all our lives, and both SSs have been there TWICE with BM, and Lord willing, this is our year to go! 

I would like to thank all of you again for giving me the support and encouragement to speak up to my DH. I feel really good about the outcome here. I also am ok with the vacation with the SKs. Even though it may be something they agree to do only because they want a "free vacation," we can afford it, so that's ok. It's time with the SKs for DH to try to build the relationship. So, we'll see what happens!

Comments

Steptotheright's picture

I think that's a bit harsh.

She was used to having to do all the planning and this time he planned it. He also showed that he acknowledges how important she is to him, but naturally, even though they are a dysfunctional bunch, wants to have whatever relationship he can with his kids and extended family.

This is a sound compromise and I applaud her for standing up for herself and making DH step out of his comfort zone and do all of the planning. She can also deign to attend only halfway through the skid trip and attend on her terms.

She might see the writing on the wall about his kids, but his hope springs eternal.

My step kids wish absolute death on me... i sense it  But SO is blithely unaware. Sometimes a step parent and a wife in a blended family can only do so much.

Well done SMto2! Don't let anyone steal your joy, whether it's skids, or people on websites! Enjoy Europe!

 

SMto2's picture

Thank you for the encouragement and kind words. It may not be perfect, but it IS progress. And don't worry, no stranger who knows very little about me and my situation is going to steal my joy. People who spout out negative things usually have a pathetic existence and make themselves feel better trying to make others feel worse. Those folks can move along. 

tog redux's picture

Well, that's good - but I still wouldn't go. The buying of the kids is still an issue and while he's taking you off the hook for being the maid, he's signaling that he's willing to throw even MORE money at this illusion of a relationship that he has with the SSs.

hereiam's picture

I wouldn't go, either. I mean, he's taking a baby step and that's a start, which is good, but so far HIS only sacrifice is the money, and not even that if it's costing less than usual. I would still let him deal with his kids by himself the whole time. But if OP feels she must go, I hope she only goes for a couple of days, max.

tog redux's picture

Exactly, especially when OP has said money is not an issue for them.  This is not a change in the dynamic at all.  He's just appeasing the OP so she will stop asking for things to be different.

SMto2's picture

I do think it's a change in the dynamic. Instead of me facilitating the trip and making it all happen, my DH did that. He texted both SSs to notify them of the plans he had made. He can continue to do that while planning for the trip. I very well might not go until later in the week to give them some time to themselves. What would you suggest he do differently? Tell the SKs if they can't pay their way and clean up after themselves, they can't go? I did note many people have responded on my various threads about this that their parents pay for their family every year, "because that's how they are" or other words to that effect, so apparently, that's something that parents who can afford it do long after their kids are grown and they have grandkids. My parents never took me on a single vacation growing up and don't vacation now, and DH's parents have never offered to pay for our vacation (although they have stayed for free in a beach house we rented) so it's not something I'm accustomed to. I KNOW my SKs can't afford a vacation. As for cleaning up after themselves, yes, I wish they would. If my DH said that to them, I think they'd take offense (regardless of it being true) and perhaps become estranged again. I don't think that's worth it, but you may think so, and we'll just have to agree to disagree on that. I am making clear I'm not going to clean up after them (and I MEAN THAT!) DH can do it if he has to. Perhaps with me not doing it he'll figure out a way to broach it without it causing offense. He has a great sense of humor, so perhaps he can say something jokingly and they'll take the hint. Who knows? All I know is, I do feel better about things from my perspective. 

tog redux's picture

I don't have an issue with you guys paying - my mother still pays for all of us to get together once a year and we are all middle-aged. But yes, I think that he needs to let them know that going forward, they need to contribute to the meal preparation and clean-up, and bring some alcohol or food, or whatever, for everyone.

It's a change that you don't have to do all the work, but it's not a change in him trying to buy these entitled kids' love, and THAT seemed to bother you as well - that he's willing to let them use him just to keep them in his life. It's not healthy for you guys or them or your two boys.

shamds's picture

Going?

i loved going on the boat cruice at sunset in paris. I think its called bateaux mouche or bateaux parisien from memory and just so gorgeous and was €60 per person and the food absolutely filling and delicious 3 course menu...  its truly a trip of a lifetime and something to look forward to. 

Book things early and do your research for deals on hotels etc. 

SMto2's picture

I would LOVE to go to Paris!! That sounds wonderful! A river cruise there is definitely on my bucket list!! We are thinking for our first trip, it would be best to go to English-speaking countries. We're considering Great Britain (England and Scotland.) We will have about 8 days total, including travel, so we don't want to do too much.

Daddy's wife's picture

I live in the Netherlands, if you plan going there, let me know and I can give you some tips. And don't worry, most people speak (some) English. In most of the northern countries they will be able to speak English. 

 

shamds's picture

“Bonjour, vous-parlez en anglais?” Which basically means “hello do you speak english?” And they were always happy to help and most speak English anyways and i did same visiting Belgium . Don’t be too worried about languages and think you only need to stick with english speaking countries.

Winterglow's picture

I live in Europe and can pretty much guarantee you that, wherever you go, there will be people who speak English - maybe not to a conversational level but well enough to tell you where to find the toilets Smile

Cover1W's picture

Ok, now that he's done that, keep away from any of it.  He's going to try to draw you in somehow.  The planning won't end with the reservations and letting skids know about it.  You konw that.  Keep away, keep silent, don't get drawn in. 

If he does do ALL of it, then go if you want to for part of the time.  And keep your boundaries strong and prepare to vacate the house for a hotel if needed.  Do not feel guilty.  You did not raise them to be like that and they are not your responsibility. 

Enjoy Europe - heck, I went there with SDs last year and survived (my husband had to do the planning, including deciding where to eat because taking the SDs was totally his idea - and included his estranged then 15 yo.  It's possible to go on a vacay with skids and keep disengaged...there's lots of things to do to keep yourself occupied!

BethAnne's picture

I think that this is the best solution. Well done to you and your husband! Communication and consideration are great at finding solutions. 

Make sure you get good travel insurance set up before your europe trip. I think that travel restrictions etc are going to keep being implemented if coronavirus doesn't die down during the warmer summer months like the flu does.