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If sd ask me to go out alone

Rearview's picture

So we will be on a trip out of town , where they lived with bio mom.  Dh says if daughter  ask "dad can we go out alone"  he says what do I say.  We will be going away to another neighboring state for a week.  With multiple family members.  I said I felt more comfortable waiting  till then, I'd have something  to do, hit tub, beach, other family members to talk to.  In their home town I'd be stuck in hotel room.  He said "he wasn't going  to sneak and see ex".  I actually  hadn't even thought of that till he said it.  So why did he think I thought that?  Was he thinking that?  Made me very uncomfortable that he said  that.   So I said "I'd feel better if you waited till next state"  I'd have more to do and he would  be rushed.  Anyone been through this?  I've never met the out if state family. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think he should say no, personally. 

Side story- my SIL has a thing about the 3 siblings going to their fathers grave together, just the 3 of them. She wanted to do it the first time I was in that state and meeting his family. DH abruptly told her no. That I wasn't going to just be left even if it was to do their dad visit. -- It really made me secure in everything. I told him to not be silly, I would be fine at the house with the kids and to go, but it was my call. 

I think your DH should say no, we are traveling and I am not just going to leave my wife. We can go out the 3 of us. If she declines then that is on her. 

Rearview's picture

I'd like more input on this. He seemed totally bummed out about it.   Sd is not use to sharing dad, I'm not use to sharing dad. But if I'm stuck with people I just met or alone in a hotel i feel that's inconsiderate of both of them.  It's just not nice.   Next state a walk, a drive, no big deal.  I will have had a few days meeting every one.  And have someone to talk to.  Seems he wants to keep us separated. Two worlds.  One with kids one with me.  We all know how that  works right. 

Petronella's picture

What's so special about men's opinions? I promise you, any male member of steptalk will give you the same advice that women will. Namely, that this is of course an unreasonable demand from SD and any decent husband would say no to her and not leave you alone in a hotel in some crappy little town far from home. 

This kind of attitude about men - that they are somehow different and superior to women - is what got you into your present terrible situation and fake marriage. 

Rags's picture

I'm a man.

A child never, and I do mean never, comes before a man's wife.  A wife never takes a back seat to a kid. And again, I do mean never. PERIOD!

Regardless of kid biology.  Whether the kid is a prior relationship spawn or a shared spawn between the spouses. The marriage and the spouses come first to each other.

You should not be iced for a Skid.  Particularly in case of family events.  If and and DH travel together, you and DH should be together. If SD participates she has to participate with both of you and in a manner that is accetable to you.

IMHO of course.

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Rumplestiltskin's picture

So much about this upcoming trip seems wierd. I don't see why he is already clearing the way to leave you alone while you guys are traveling together. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think if you let this slide, things will only get worse in the future. The situation is already dysfunctional, and if you give an inch, the crazy will take a mile and push for more. 

It's hard to know where the line should be, how firmly it should be drawn, or when a situation calls for drawing a boundary at all. And it doesn't help that the crazymakers apply pressure, push limits, and want us to drink their kool aid. But this is a case of a highly dysfunctional dynamic, and your H's daughter wants him to be rude to you in order to prove his devotion to her. She's testing to see how far she can go. As an adult, she should know this is an inappropriate request. They both should, but your H is torn and looking to you for guidance. Do not waver, or play the nice guy and say "Oh, you go ahead, honey." Nice has gotten you nowhere with this woman. You need to be all about consistent reasonable boundaries, and holding your H accountable for making your marriage his priority. Be the Alpha female now, or you'll regret it later.

I want you to understand something: you are not wrong about this sh!tshow. It is mud you do NOT want to get drug into, so keep working on detachment, boundaries, and being an implacable rock. Yes, you came on too hard in the beginning, but you found ST and realized your mistake. You know what you know, and your instincts are sound despite your H trying to make the poo more palatable for you to eat. Do not cater to any dysfunction, and make sure you are respected as your H's number One. You're still newlyweds, for crying out loud.

Rearview's picture

Oh evjuliemccoy. Thank you. I am learning.  You nailed  it.  Firm and consistent with love for them both.  I learned bou6and being consistent with my deceased husband he was an alcoholic  and pushed my limits but I stood strong.   I never left his side even through the struggle.  Then he passed.  What you wrote reminded me of (me then).  Strong. determined to make the marriage work  but not roll over in the process.  It worked then. It will work  now. How you've encouraged me. Thank you.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Gosh, I'm so sorry you went through that with your late H.

If steplife, you have to be able to stand up for yourself, maintain strong boundaries, and be your own best friend. Do not become dependent on your H for your happiness, and realize that you can't trust his judgement where his daughter is concerned.

 And you DON'T need to love your H's daughter. Why would you? She's virtually a stranger to you, resents you, and is in competition with you for daaddee's attention. She and your H share a dysfunctional relationship, and you are the only obstacle to it so don't waste your goodness and kindness on an adult that wishes you didn't exist. You can be cordial, polite yet distant as you would with a co-worker of your spouse.

With mini wives, it's important to always position yourself as the Alpha bi!ch and be aware of the subtext of any interaction. Be subtle, but show you are The Wife and above SD in the "family" structure. Stand close to him; sit next to, not across from him in restaurants; touch or hold hands. Never defer to SD or allow her to usurp your position as Alpha, but be prepared for her to try.

sandye21's picture

"I think if you let this slide, things will only get worse in the future."  Exjuilie is SO right about this!  And I cannot stress enough how important it is to you to nip this in the bud now.

Let me guess;  Your DH is inconsistent with his concern for you.  One moment he will seem to be totally there for you, then it seems on his next breath, he wants to leave you alone in a motel room in an unfamiliar town so he can suck up to SD.

You need to put your foot down now.  Tell DH you will accompany him only if you are treated with the respect a husband should be giving to his wife.  Otherwise, you will stay home.  It is a very tough thing to do, you are probably worried that if you press your DH it might mean the end of your marriage.  Ya, that was my thought too 29 years ago.  It would have been worth it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Ya know, DH, I wasn't actually thinking that you'd sneak off. I more thought that this is a town I'm not familiar with and don't know anybody in, and am only going because you'd like me to go, so I don't want to be left alone when, in a week, we'll be somewhere with something to do and people for me to converse with so it would be beneficial for both of us to have some separate time to do our own things.

BUT, now that YOU have said that, my mind thinks you might do that. You know my feelings on being around someone who has been disrespectful to both you and I personally AND to our relationship, and I really hope you weren't planning to undermine my trust by sneaking out to see her because that would land you divorce papers and a bachelor pad.

So no, DH, I'm not comfortable with you going out with SD alone because now I don't feel like I can trust you when before I just selfishly didn't want to be alone in YOUR hometown."

Rearview's picture

Wow are you good and encouraging.   At some point I  am going to let my husband read these blogs. But only if he stagnates and stops growing.  He is growing and learning how to navigate through these challenges.  But I also understand setting my own boundaries furm but loving and hold to them. Ty.

Rearview's picture

So back last year we went to a wedding 60o miles away . I met his family but not kids. Nephews  sisters etc.  While  out in the country  on a ranch there was drinking  and some getting loose and my DH dissapeared on me out on the farm with out saying g I'm going for a walk with my niece.  His mother in law had died and he wanted to talk to BM and give his condolences.   He had previously agreed if he ever had to talk to her he would  do it in my presence not in private.  Due to her disrespect of me.  So he texted his daughter and said call me later so I can talk to your mom.  On her phone number,  so I wouldn't know from the phone bill.  I found out.  I think that was why he was disappearing on me at the ranch.  Everyone was asking WHERE is dh???  I was so angry I almost drove myself back the 600 miles alone.  But I didn't want to disrupt the wedding party. But I told  him it was an underhanded dirty trick and it almost cost him his relationship.   So when I found out about  the text, I said go call her right now.   So he did stepped outside out of my ear range and called her.  She screamed AND CUSSED HIM AND HUNG UP.  So now do you think hes doing that again?  He thinks  his kids think he's  being MEAN AND CRUEL TO MOM.  He thi is hes being mean and cruel.  I told him today what he did at the wedding was RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE.   I said  you could have said Neice and I are going  for a walk.  But he didn't want me along?  Why I'll never know, but maybe to talk to the ex on someone else's phone.   Ir calling daughter to talk to BM.  Now that hes said "he didn't want to talk to her",  " and he brought it up"  and he wasnt secretly meeting up with her. I sure do think its peculiar.   He thinks bm is going  to die,  alcoholic.   Wants to see her one last time?  Talk to her one last time?  Or is appeasing daughter?  What is going on  in his head.  He has been distant all day since that conversation. 

Rags's picture

Nope, an X can die and rot in hell.  I don't need to see them again.  It is not mean and cruel to keep toxic out of your own life.  That your DH is seeking BM and catering to his daughters agenda would make him gone if I were you.  His sneeky crap is pathetic and he needs to have his ass bared on that in front of his entire family.

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

and being distant, help him by letting him feel even more alone. Remove yourself from his vicinity so he can really feel alone. Pack a bag and go for an overnight visit with a friend or relative, or go run errands before meeting up with some friends for dinner, drinks, a movie, etc. Don't be punitive or bi!chy, just be breezy and matter of fact as you tell him you're off to where ever and don't know what time you'll be back. Every time he plays the victim card, go do something fun.