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Need advice on 22 year stepdaughters demands

Dmw1410's picture

I am in a same sex relationship and have been for 15 years.  We have lived together for 14 years. My partner has 3 children, the 2 youngest live at home with us, the youngest is 22.  She has now issued her mum with an ultimatum that I must leave, it seems she has hated me most of her life and her mental health issues are all down to me.  Her mum quite rightly feels the need to put her first and I am now in the very scary position of having to find somewhere new to live at age 52.  


We have had our ups and downs, arguments about stupid things like leaving shoes out and most recently parking on the drive and thereby blocking in the other cars, nothing major, or so I thought!


Is there anything I can do to try and change this or should I just accept that its me or her and I cant and in fact wont make my partner have to struggle with her choices anymore.

shamds's picture

As a 22yr old she should be launching and moving out on her own. If she isn’t taking care of the house and upkeep of it, contributing to the bills and mortgage she doesn’t get to dictate that you get kicked out. Your partner and her kid can and should move out!!

Kes's picture

To me, it doesn't say much for your partner's love and loyalty towards you, having been together 15 yrs, that she is willing to allow her adult daughter to bully her into forcing you to leave.   Of course her mental health issues are not down to you - if your partner believes this, then this is pathetic  - so too is allowing SD22 to manipulate the situation.  I have suffered serious mental health issues in the past - but I would never use them to gain the whip hand over another person in this despicable way.  Why has this young woman not left to make her own life?  She has been an adult for 4 yrs. 

You say that SD22 has issued her Mum with an ultimatum.  Presumably that unless you leave, she will - if so, hooray!  she is finally doing the right thing.  Let her go.  And if your partner chooses her daughter over you - then console yourself with the fact that she didn't love you enough to fight for your joint happiness, preferring to continue to enable her adult daughter.  

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, if your partner is so quick to pull the rug out from under you... then the relationship may not be exactly what you thought it was.

Her daughter.. barring LEGIT disability should be living independently... why is she not?

tog redux's picture

What? Why does she feel that her ADULT daughter's demands come first?  Why do you think that's "quite right"? If her daughter has issues with you, then SHE can leave the home, not you.

Ugh, go find your own way in life, this woman does not prioritize you.  52 isn't old, you might have 40 years left. Find someone who puts you first.

Winterglow's picture

You're going to have to explain that one to me, I'm afraid. Firstly, she should most definitely NOT be putting her daughter's whims ahead of her partner! Secondly, her daughter should already be out on her own and not have any say in what happens in your home!

There should be no "choosing". She can have a perfectly good relationship with her adult daughter out on her own. She doesn't need to be living under your roof. 

ndc's picture

I don't think it's "quite right" that your partner is putting her adult daughter ahead of you. OTOH, it's likely an indication of how she values your relationship. Better to know this now and start over at 52 (which is still young) than later.

Delilah's picture

Not sure why you think your OH should put her first?! Presumably she does have sincere mental health problems and obviously that would be a concern for any parent (steps included) however she is an adult living in yours and OH's home (is the house owned/rented jointly?). I find it distasteful that it appears your partner is considering granting her adult daughter's blackmail demand! THAT is unacceptable.

Lets be honest, any manipulative ultimatums are unacceptable regardless of length of relationship, however you are in a lengthy commited partnership and it would be a massive betrayal (one i quite likely wouldnt be able to forgive) if your OH IS seriously considering her ultimatum!

Its one thing if OH is struggling to manage sd behaviour, while point blank shutting her down, however i think i couldnt and wouldnt live with a woman child dictating my living arrangements, a spineless, disloyal partner and the threat of losing a home i am and have been investing in financially and emotionally.

The trouble you may now have is if you remain in your relationship but move out how are you going to be reimbursed for the financial penalties?whats to stop sd22 at just this?when will sd launch esp if OH is tiptoeing?

futurobrillante99's picture

You have lived together 14 years? TWO of her adult children live at home?

Who owns the home? Whose names are on the lease, if not owned?

I would not leave easily. If the 22 year old has mental health issues, she needs to seek help and get on with her life, elsewhere.

If your partner of 15 years is callous enough to kick you out, I wouldn't continue the relationship. I'm 53, we are young. You can start over. The only time it's too late is when you're 6 feet under.

Merry's picture

A 22-year-old does not dictate who lives in someone else's house (even if she's lived there and considers it her home).

On the other hand, if my partner were so easily swayed  by a young adult and suggested that I should move out, that would be a great big indicator that the relationship isn't a priority to her and I'd be on my way. The sooner you do, the sooner you come out the other side.

Please don't believe that someone else's mental health issues have anything to do with you. YOU are in no way at fault. If in fact she does have mental health issues, she needs to address them whether you are in her mother's life or not.

This must be very painful for you.

Rags's picture

Rightly put her toxic daughter first?  WTF?


Kids, particularly adult kids, never come oefore a marriage/adult equity life partnership.

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't know the laws in the UK but I'm pretty sure she doesn't just get to kick you out after living together for 14 years. Her disgruntled daughter doesn't get to make her mother choose and demand that you leave. She doesn't run shit in that house and the problem is SD seems to think she does. If she's mentally ill she needs help ASAP. 

If you feel you no longer want to be in this relationship, make sure you get your ducks in a row. If that house is half yours make sure you get your part. If not, you decide if you want to move and get your own place. Also you need to question your partner and your place in her life, if it's so easy to just "kick you out". 


shamds's picture

with you and kicking you out is gonna build up resentment regardless.

heck my sd’s on pressure from bio mum told daddy to transfer property in his name and completely remove me and my 2 kids from it. 

Hubby lost it with his eldest daughter and said she doesn’t get to completely remove me and our 2 kids together that we have just as much right to any of hubbys estate as we are his family too.

this was before we were even thinking about buying a home in my country. Sd tried again a few months ago with the same shit, claimed bio mum said hubby promised it was hers and would give it. They have been divorced 11 yrs, he bought this home after divorce was finalised and she’s still trying to screw him for money

i told hubby i was real worried now that if something happened to him i have a crazy exwife and 3 skids (2 adults, one 14yr old) actively trying to get rid of me and my 2 toddlers and make us homeless and he needed to ensure that didn’t happen.

hubby had years ago listed me as solw beneficiary pf his retirement savings because he knew if something happened to him i would be the one with2 minors and skids would all be adults. He knew what kind of people skids are and their mum and told them they have no right to kick us out of his home if he is no longer alive as it just as much our home.

hubby decided it was a great idea to buy this home in my country overseas because at least exwife and greedy skids can’t touch it or be on project “make me homeless”, this was hubbys way of ensuring if he were no longer alive that we had a home to go to fully paid off. 

I would have never remained in a marriage with my husband if there were no assurances he had my and our kids back and cared about our futures because if he dares to say to me its between him and god and didn’t protect me from being made homeless by skids and exwife who would even claim in court they have proof etc hubby promised them blah blah blah when its all lied, i would be gone and he knows it!!!

this is 1 major reason why i would not be present at any events skids are at because they are actively trying to get rid of us and hubby wants us to play this 1 happy family crap. Thats not how it works.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

If your name is on a tenancy, or legal deed eg mortgage or something you cannot be kicked out. 

This selfish 22 year old can’t be bothered to find somewhere to live so is attempting to push you out. 

Maybe her mum could do with counselling. 

In the event that 22 year old is living at home because she has special needs or mental health issues, she still doesn’t get to call the shots, and needs to be told as much. 

I really really hope you find a solution. What’s the ultimatum? Will she move out? If so let her, her mum will come around to the idea after a while.

She needs to take responsibility for her own mental health problems. It’s easy for her to blame you because she can’t accept who she is. She needs to find understanding and acceptance within herself. - If she doesn’t do this, any future relationships when something doesn’t go her way, or she is struggling with her mental health, will ‘all be the other persons fault’.

Maybe get legal advice before doing anything drastic like moving out?


Winterglow's picture

If she's using her mental health issues as a lever on her mother (which she is), why not offer to find a group home where she could get the treatment she needs and be with others who have similar issues rather than destroy what you've built up together all these years? Lay it on thick that you'd be doing this because you care for the poor darling ...

Doodlemadmummy's picture

Hmm, I'm wondering whether this ultimatum is part of her "mental health issues" ie. is it a result of a Personality Disorder? People with such disorders are highly emotionally manipulative and throw caution to the wind to get what they want.   The bit that concerns me is your partner's willingness to let you go to honour her daughter's wishes. That would get me thinking whether she loved me as much as I believed she did. 

MissTexas's picture

to committment each person has to the other.

A mentaly ill 22 year old's vote does not count. Is she going to be there to take care of her mother as she ages, like a spouse would be expected to do? I don' think so.

I say she ( the daughter) needs to be evaluated if she hasn't already, and placed in a facility for the mentally ill, or medicated. The point is, she has no business still being at home at her age. This "illness" is also probably factoring into the manipulation and guilt your partner feels. 

I hope you are on the lease or mortgage. 15 years is a long time to invest in a relationship just to have it so flippantly tossed away. Though there are 15 years you can't get back, you are in your 50's and it's looking better than it ever has. As painful as this may end up, you have a lot of living left ahead of you. 

If you and your partner work things out, it will just be a matter of time utnil another flare up occurs.

I believe the daughter's distorted view of things may be directly related to her "illness." Healthy people (adult offspring) want what's best for their parents and brings them joy and happiness. Unhealthy/mentally ill/narcissistic/selfish ones only want what THEY WANT with zero regard to who suffers as the pillage through the lives of others.

Keep us posted...sending positive vibes your way.