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Toxic need advice!

Stepdad2010's picture

To be as short as possible I'm gonna shorthand a little. Married 2 years, together 4. I have daughter (11) and wife has daughter (13). It's been extremely difficult living with stepdaughter as she has been very difficult her whole life. Her mother is bipolar and has been hospitalized for it at least once while married and is finally on meds and mostly stable. Bipolar is Something I didn't quit understand until being with her for a few years. Never even knew what it was. Father has never been in picture and stepdaughter has been shuffled around to grandparents and great grandmother her whole life mom apparently was a partier early on and then worked a lot to support SD. Boundaries don't appear to have ever been established with stepdaughter. She is 13 now and has always had extreme meltdowns when she doesnt get her way and they are getting worse. She wants to be treated like a 16 year old but is as mature as an 8 year old. On top of it all I believe she has bipolar as well. The entire family especially me, has to walk on eggshells to make sure we don't upset her. This could be anything from, "please do your dishes"' to correcting a dicapline problem. Her most recent meltdown was due to being asked to carry her own stuff from the car to the house like everyone else (By wife) Nuclear meltdown, and CPS called.  Obviously they saw through it and talked her off the ledge.  Next morning wife takes SD phone while asleep (wouldn't give it up day prior) and another meltdown occurs. This time SD refusing to let us leave for work( blocks door) and dumps my wife's drawers and jewelry box all out on floor in a rage. At this point no one feels safe around her and we were certainly not going to physically move her out of the way. SD completely loses it so wife decides only safe thing is call police. They came and saw how she was acting and took her to hospital where she stayed for a few weeks. (Moved to behavioral health facility) Treated for mood disorder possible bipolar. She does not have phone anymore, on meds kind of stable as long as no one upsets her and in counseling. This is a nightmare and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't ask her to nicely do anything(pick up her stuff for example) without meltdowns.  She moved in with her grandmother and is with us on weekends and that has helped. Wife and I fight very little and the house has become stress free. She does come to visit and all I can do is stonewall her to just stay out of her space and not upset her. I'll admit I  don't want to deal with her either.  She has mostly been fighting with wife and I occasionally speak up when it's gotten out of hand and she is being disrespectful to her mother or crossed the line.  I don't want my daughter learning any of this behavior and don't think she deserves to live in a terrible environment. I have gotten so resentful towards SD and just waiting for the next meltdown and fight with wife who is in mommy protect mode and has lots of mommy guilt from before we met (worked a lot so not home) dad never in picture. She definitely has discipline issues but wife just blames it on SD behavioral health issues.  I feel terrible saying this but I'd be ok if she moved in with grandmother full time and left for good. My wife obviously loves her unconditionally so it doesn't matter what SD does. I just can't do that and I don't know why. I've never felt this way towards a person and my wife sees it. Our life has been miserable until SD moved out. Not perfect but much much more calm and stress free. I think wife will get resentful towards me for SD moving out. Again I feel like a terrible stepdad for disliking my SD but that's where I am. After last meltdown she is so unpredictable and I wanted her out. 
 

I know I could have  a good effect on her (as steady male figure in life) and I see it when she lets me but these meltdowns are pushing me away.  I cringe when she is around and the whole atmosphere drops in family. She is very selfish, lazy, jealous, immature, entitled, extreme mood swings, disrespectful, lies, yet can be sweet when it benefits her and has her mother wrapped around finger. Knows what to say to invoke mommy guilt. Underneath I feel like she is sweet but has had such a disrupted life and have blamed my wife and her family for SD being like this. This was a terrible idea and should never have been said.  I'm feeling so defeated because it's out of my hands ( per my wife) and have to just sit and watch this terrible and completely consuming disruptive behavior when she comes over. Wife agrees she has always been difficult yet is mommy guilted into catering to SD every time. Wife is also trying to force me to love SD.  I feel bad behavior and mental health issues are to blame but is she too old to teach? She needs to learn the basics you teach a baby unfortunately.  Am I alone here and is there anything else I can do? Hate is a strong word but I'm getting there sad to say. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

My mother is bipolar and my sister suffers from depression and anxiety (and I won't be surprised if she ends up with a bipolar diagnosis as she gets older). Thank god both of them suffer more mildly from it can function day to dat, but when it's a rough patch, it's a bounce between suicide threats and EPIC meltdowns where you can't convince them that the sky isn't falling, or they're making rash decisions about things that should be thought through first. They also tend to put what they hear through a filter, making it hard to ever fully believe anything they say. It's not so much that it's an outright lie because it's grounded in truth, but much like kids, they are unreliable narrators.

Anyway, having lived with this and based on what you've said, you have every reason to not want to be in the middle of this. Your wife's own mental health issues have prevented her from being the mother she needs to do. That has also probably made it much harder for her to parent her daughter in a way that she needs to be parented. I've talked ad nauseam to my mom about how her and my sister set each other into spirals because neither have learned how to interact with someone with the same types of illness. They trigger each other, and then they feed into the worst parts of that. My guess is your wife and SD do the same.

Parenting SD will be different than parenting a healthy child. It'll be even more different for your wife because she needs to learn how to parent with her mental health issues AND THEN how to parent a child with similar mental health issues. It's two learning curves, plus balancing out her own mental health.

It may be best for SD that she is living in a home where she isn't feeding off of someone else's mental health issues. However, that means your wife needs to be taking parenting classes, going to therapy, and developing a parenting plan in her spare time to be able to help raise SD. Guilting you into loving SD or helping her to raise SD is deflection. It serves no one and nothing, other than making you an easy scapegoat for when your wife fails.

Your SD is currently in crisis. If she has been hospitalized and is still unruly, then she isn't stable. If you were to equate it to cancer, this would be analogous to being in the midst of chemo and radiation. She needs consistent care and attention, and it's likely not the best time to start teaching her how to function as a respectful human being because she can't even act like a functioning human being yet.

Even saying all of that, none of this is yours to handle. Your #1 reaponsibility is to your daughter, and if things are bad right now and impacting her negatively, then you need to protect her. Is it bad enough that you think you need to move out? Nothing says you have to live with your spouse. And given how much work both your wife and her daughter need to put into themselves and their relationship, it might be too much to expect your wife to maintain a relationship with you while also trying to get herself mentally grounded and parent her child. 

So you're not wrong for wanting to leave. You're not wrong for hating this situation. Your presence as a male figure isn't going to do diddly to help SD until her meds are regulated, she has a routine, and her parent (your wife) has built a strong foundation for her to grow from. Some of this is happening, but it sounds like your wife isn't putting in the extra work to help her daughter and just expects you to do it for her. Nope. Not your place, especially when you have your own child to raise.

I'd highly consider living separately from your wife until this is sorted. Or, she can do the parenting of SD at the grabdmother's house. Either way, your wife isn't being fair to you or your daughter by bringing chaos into your lives and not adequately addressing it. You also do a disservice to your daughter by keeping her exposed to this.

So, move out or ask your wife to move out for visitation. Create a safe space for you and your daughter. You can support your wife as she combats her own mental health issues and grows into being a parent of a chils with mental health issues. BUT, that doesn't mean you parent SD or that SD should live with you until she is stable.

Steptotheright's picture

If a child feels powerless they will try to exercise whatever tools they have at their disposal to regain power. That is why it's a common complaint that step kids are notoriously manipulative. The underlying issue behind them resorting to such tactics is that they feel powerless in a situation that they cannot control. It's just the nature of the beast when both bio parents arent together and involved in a child's upbringing. These children become masters at pitting the step parent against the bio parent, mostly by making the step parent's life a living hell and then taking advantage of the bio parents protectiveness when the step parent wants discipline enacted.

In your case, since you are the man of the house, my opinion is you need to start supporting your wife even more when she tries to pull her daughter short. Up until the point that your wife stops you because of her protective bio mode. it just doesn't sound to me like your wife can handle this child alone. On the bright side of things at least you don't have this little monster full time.

 

 

 

Orrrr... Just move out....