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“Not a nice person” - UPDATE

Trying to Stepmom's picture

This is an update to my last blog and SD's goals of "hello, thank you and goodbye."

Next day we expected to have SD13. She had a game for her sport-of-the-moment and I managed to get a meal she would eat in the crock pot in enough time so that it would be done for us to eat before her and DH had to leave. 

DH calls, like he usually does, but informs me that SD has to be back at school for a separate event 2 hrs before she had to be at her game. Ugh! I knew something about this because I saw it on the school's messaging system but didn't think it applied to SD. DH tried to say it was his fault and that she told him about it last week. Whoever's fault it is, a reminder would have been nice the night before when she was with us, not and hour and half before she had to be back at school. 

Anyway, to the "goals." DH and I talked about them at lunch, so it was fresh in his mind to talk with her again. Well, they get home and I hear the door open. It's kind of quiet and then I hear SD say "I can't!" Then more silence, the. DH and SD coming around the corner with SD giving the most awkward, forced, fake hello imaginable. Then she disappears. 

Then with the rush of making sure her and DH eat, getting DH to not put her to-go food in one of my breakable bowls, and me cleaning up my 3yo after a potty accident, there was no "thank you" or "goodbye."

When I talked to DH later I told him that no hello is better than that fake shiz she gave me, and he agreed. He also told me that SD wanted to say thank you and goodbye but didn't because of the everything. I told him that that shouldn't stop her and she had plenty of opportunities. Ugh. 

Thank goodness it was not DH's weekend. Although he did play chauffeur to her and her friend on Sunday - taking them to the movies and then the friend home and SD to the pick up spot. *eyeroll*



Ashleytenorio17's picture

I don't get what the big deal is with kids and the greeetings !!!! My SD 10 doesn't say hello or good bye to me but she will say thank you IF I decide to make her something to eat so I guess there's that?! I figure she is just shy but I just really don't think my SD likes me too much so meh. 

susanm's picture

Shy, my a$$!  It is the kid refusing to acknowledge your existence and make their parent literally beg them to behave nicely.  It puts them in a position of power in the conflict that children are not equipt to handle andd so it spirals into more and more of the household centering around the impossible job of making them "comfortable.".  It is a very common thing in stephell. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I told DH that we (mostly him) need to not worry about making sure SD has fun while she's with us. I don't think we make her time miserable, but if she's doing or not doing something, we can't worry that if we say something to her that she's going to be in a horrible mood. Because honestly, no matter what I say or how I say it, SD will always twist it into something negative. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Yeah, I don't know. It was just the way I was brought up and it's about being a good person. But, hence the title of my post, I shouldn't be surprised about SD. 

Even coming home from college and having to pee like a race horse after a giant drink during the drive, I would say hi to my stepdad as I raced past him to the bathroom. And then usually said hello again after I was done. 

Aniki's picture

FFS. Would it be easier for her to TEXT you so she doesn't have to strain her vocal cords and actually speak? What a crock.

Trying to Stepmom's picture


I guess when they were in the car and she told DH that she wanted to say thanks and bye, that DH actually told her to just text me. 

Yup, no text. What a crock indeed!

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't understand how kids get away without the basics of manners. It wont kill her to be cordial and say a simple hello or goodbye. Whatever happened to respect and common courtesy? What ever happened to parents putting their foot in a kids ass and model decent behavior? I don't care if she likes you or not...hell if she's upset that you exist but damn it, she will respect while in the home.

No proper home training is what that is. I'd be damned!

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Whatever happened to respect and common courtesy?

Yes! I couldn't agree more! 

somethingwicked's picture

She's a little b!tch.Your DH is not helping.She has been empowered by him to be your equal and probably her mother to think of you as the enemy.

As I wrote  previously my (ex) SD when 15 behaved EXACTLY the same. After a couple years of this dance of disrespect she started to miss/skip visits  citing "school projects" or flash illness , excuses etc ,when she was a 17  and senior in HS. 

It was hit and miss she'd turn up maybe for a couple hours ,a meal then leave; and only on the high holy gift giving days we would definitely see her.  Same M.O.~ no thanks ,no hello ,no smiles ,lots of passive agressiveness and sarcasm and she was the most difficult person to be around and  feel anything but discomfort.The black plague would have been more welcoming.  

Stop doing.Stop thinking about her needs.And I know that is difficult when you are a caring person.

You have a little life that is your child upon which  to focus your energies .

 Let her father care for this teen  ,come up with a meal etc .WTF ~He can't even inform you of her change of plans and thus inconveniences you because YOU still care.Yet he probably expects you to love her and keep giving her passes for her behavior and ,believe me, he will get frustrated with YOU and blame you when she does not budge or change her behavior  .Because YOU ,in his mind, are supposed to be the caring  adult woman /wife/mother  and and all that warm loving stuff is just automatically to be  given to her  despite her blatant disrespectof you to your face AND to him as well.

His  asking her to apologize or "be nice" to you gives her more power ,  adds more fuel to the idea that you and she are equals vying for his attention.She loves getting his attention over this.  

You are not a robot programmed to take shit and smile and keep giving of yourself. 

Stop caring for her.

Tell DH stop trying to get her to "be nice".Tell him he should be working on  her RESPECT for HIM and you. She is not respecting her father when she treats his wife like sh!t or on the same level as one of her pals at school.

Does he allow her to act as disrespectful to other adult people in her life? Her teachers or coaches? Bet not.But with you it'sA-OK...coz he knows you'll roll over.So don't. 

And tell your boneheaded H to get this young teen some therapy sessions with a child psychologist to work through whatever anger or competition with Daddee's wife issues she obviously has up her butt.


Trying to Stepmom's picture

She has been empowered by him to be your equal and probably her mother to think of you as the enemy.

Yup! Don't get me started on the mini-wife shiz that happened early on in the relationship (I didn't know there was a name for it at the time). And DH and I know that BM has said things to and/or around her based on the lies SD had spouted during her angry outbursts - calling DH a liar and a cheater and bringing up lies about his other ex (yes, he has multiple).

Tell DH stop trying to get her to "be nice".Tell him he should be working on  her RESPECT for HIM and you. She is not respecting her father when she treats his wife like sh!t or on the same level as one of her pals at school.

I might need to say this to him. He's realizing more and more just how awful she's being. I feel it kind of goes in waves and he forgets how she is when we don't see her as often, then she comes back and he's reminded again. I, of course, cannot forget.