“She’s just not a nice person”
This is what DH said about SD13 last night while we were discussing the evening's events. Here's the recap:
DH and the kids (SD13 and DD3) get home. DH and DD say hello; no hello from SD, which has been the norm for a while.
Fastforward and I'm getting dinner ready. DH is chilling with BS in the living room and SD actually makes an appearance and does some homework on the couch. DD brings SD a present (from my mom and stepdad) that has been in SD's room for over a week. She didn't seem to notice it sitting on her dresser the last couple of times she was with us. Since I'm in the kitchen, I don't hear everything that's going on but DH lets her know who the gift is from. SD opens it, does something and the first thing I hear from her is "it's broken." It wasn't really broken and was easily fixed. DH is describing what it does (it's a bluetooth speaker with a light that changes color and stuff). The next thing that SD says is "I probably won't use it much because all the music I listen to has bad words in it." Who admits that to their parents?!? I listened to music with profanity in it at that age, but I knew there was a time and place and if I was using a speaker in my room, I'd turn it down or listen to something else. I try to shrug off her ungratefulness and continue with dinner.
Dinner comes around and she barely eats any of it. She then tells DH she's still hungry and he tells her to have the last pork chop. She says it was good but hard to eat with her current orthodontia situation. Ok, I get it, but there were plenty of other things to eat on the table. I even offered up the leftovers in the fridge.
Fastforward to leaving time. I'm trying to slam my dinner because BS decided it was time to breastfeed when I put dinner on the table. DH can tell I'm irritated and apologizes. I let him know that it's not him and tell him I'm irritated at SD's ungratefulness. SD comes out to the kitchen and is standing by the door. She tells DH that she's hungry and DH told her that he wasn't stopping and buying her anything. She opens the door, leaving it open and goes to the car. I say "bye! Glad you enjoyed dinner and the gift!" in a sarcastic tone. SD doesn't hear it but DH does and then I say to him "talk to your daughter."
When he returns home, we talk. It's a lot to recap, but here's some of what I remember:
- SD thinks that when it's the three of us (SD, DH, me) that her and I are vying for DH's attention. It's fine when it's the two of them or even her and I, but put us all together and it's not good.
- SD told DH that she tells BM's BF/roommate more than what she tells DH.
- DH told her that things will be different with her going to school near BM's house next year. And that we're done trying to get her into DH's school. It's a done deal.
- DH said that we need to be the bigger people in this situation and that we need to go on as normal and show SD the good she's missing out on.
- I asked DH what that looked like because I'm tired of putting myself out there, only to be shat on by an ungrateful teenager.
- Apparently SD wants me to say hello to her rather than not.
I told DH that it works both ways and he knows that.
- I expressed my disappointment with how ungrateful she was about the Christmas present. And not just that gift - every gift she receives . (I even took a cute video of DD because she thinks the Bluetooth speaker is an Amazon Alexa. But don't want to share it because I know my mom will ask how SD likes it. I can't tell her that she said nothing and then left it sitting on the couch when she left.) DH is 100% fine with my family not wasting their time and money on gifts for SD anymore.
- I also expressed that we (mainly DH) can't be afraid to speak up if SD is not doing the right thing. Yes, we can pick our battles and some don't need to be faught immediately. And that she has to keep being reminded of certain things - simple, everyday things!
I'm sure there was more but I can't think right now. It's probably better that I'm writing this now and not in the heat of last night.
In all, we're going to take babysteps. He's going to talk with her when he picks her up today. The goal is "hello" "thank you" and "goodbye."