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I need help-moving to be closer to bf and kids are upset

Cassia's picture

Ok it's a really long story (aren't they always?) but I'm leaning heavily toward moving to be closer to my boyfriend. We've been together for 9 months (met online, I travel to see him every week, we are very compatible for those few days every week, now we want to move it to the next level but can't with our distance. ) I would be moving to his general area, but not in with him. I would find something to either rent or buy so that the kids and I have our own space as my bf and I see if we're going to last. (I feel like we will last, or I'd never consider this. He has a wonderful job and a beautiful house and is just more rooted which is why it makes more sense for me to move. )

the problems?

-It's a town that's 3 hours away-and out of state

-the ex-husband and I share custody of our son who is 15.( My daughter is 19and would choose to stay with me. ) 
-my son has said he doesn't want to move, he wants to stay with his dad but the ex was almost evicted this month and doesn't even have a bedroom for our son to stay in. He's also an alcoholic and has some issues with pills. Sad However, I don't keep the kids from their dad, and that wouldn't change. I'd drive down every week to meet with the ex to hand off our son until he gets his license. 
-just the possibility of this has caused huge feelings in both kids. I'm very guilty of having led a child centered life-I've always looked out for their interests and wants-and put mine on the back burner every single time. I'm tired of that now though. I want this-and I feel so selfish. 

Honestly I feel so guilty about this though it's truly what I want to do. I'm beginning to be a little resentful that they're giving me such grief over this and feel like if I don't make a stand now they're just going to continue to run all over me. The 19 yr old and I are very close and she's really upset that I have someone. She's single and lonely, has horrible anxiety and just is having a tough go in life right now. She's in therapy but doesn't seem to be getting better. 

Any ideas? Any been there, done that stories? I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin their life. But I'm also afraid I'm going to forever regret not trying to get my relationship to the next stage with my bf. Sorry this is so disjointed. I have a job interview in the new city soon and I'm just frazzled and confused. 

Kes's picture

I think you should put yourself first, in this instance.  Your DS is 15, not 5 or 10, and if you have given him the choice and he prefers to stay with his Dad, then fine, let him - he is not a child, after all.     I left my area to move 100+ miles away in 2003, to move in with DH.  My younger daughter at that point was 17.  I moved out from my parents and fended for myself at 17.  She has since told me she felt a bit abandoned, she remained with her Dad, but she realised I had to go and understood.  Frankly if I had the same decision to make again, I'd do the same.   It's impossible to go through life without causing anyone else any short term upset.  And like you say, your son can visit and he will be driving soon. 

Rags's picture

So, why doesn't your BF move to where you are?  Why are you the one uprooting your life and kids for him rather than the other way around?

I agree that adults cannot tolerate their children exerting control over their lives, however, 9mos may be a bit premature to give up your life in your community to go join your SO's life in his community. 

Why not both of you move to a new location to make a life together rather than either of you giving up your lives and families for the other?