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Parental alienation and negative talk's picture

No story to tell, just a question from those who have experience with parental alienation. 

I wasn't familiar with the term until I was a stepmom. My SKs have even complained about it and admits that it influences their time with us. My stepson even showed his dad some of the messages that she has grouped them all in saying AWFUL things. 

How have y'all or how would y'all combat this? 


tog redux's picture

Parental alienation is a combination of the alienating parent's behavior and the kids' reaction to it. The good news is, you have kids who recognize what is going on.

Without more information, it's hard to know what to tell you - how old are the kids? Do they still visit your home? Do they misbehave when they visit? Have you told BM to knock it off? What is the custody arrangement? Has DH talked to an attorney?'s picture

There are four kids, my stepson is still young but my stepdaughters are teens and one is now an adult. They haven always recognized it. And only did when DH pointed out facts. I still think they fall for it and believe a lot of what is said. I talked to an attorney months ago and we touched on the subject, he gave me no reason to believe we have a case with it. They do visit and are with us full time until the fall of this year. And yes, it has impacted their behavior! 

tog redux's picture

It's hard to fight it in court - but it sounds like you are making progress with just trying to help them see what's going on. If they haven't stopped coming over, then it's not severe alienation (my SS19 was completely alienated from DH for over 3 years), so that's good. He should just keep up trying to be the best parent he can be and pointing out facts as needed.  Therapy might help too, but not if BM will just manipulate the therapist into believing her.

Kes's picture

NPD BM engaged in a very severe level of PAS against us both, but principally against me, from the time I appeared in DH's life, but before she'd ever clapped eyes on me, and before the SDs had ever met me.   I wasn't able to combat it, how can you?  you can't say to a 5 and a 7 yr old, "you know those things your mother says to you about me?  well they're not actually true".  So these girls grew up hating me because their mother told them to.  I will always be angry with NPD BM for that.  Now that the SDs are in their 20s, they are, surprisingly, starting to mellow towards me a little bit - they are getting the maturity to see that I am not as black as NPD has painted me, and that there are actually some good things about me.   But it's taken 17 years.'s picture

I think it's BMs goal to alienate them eventually. She hasn't always been the most stable so it's taken time. 

Ultimately, there is not a lot that can be done. We can't stop what she says and the children may not fully grasp it until they are adults, if they ever do. 

It really just sucks, for all of us! BM is a miserable piece of crap. 

Rags's picture

Everything thing that BM says that is bullshit... point it out and give the kids the facts.  BM cannot be allowed to allienate these kids from their father unfettered by being smacked with her bullshit being called.

The kids need the facts in order to protect themselves from her bullshit as they grow up and in order to learn how to protect themselves from her as adults.

There is zero chance that she will stop her crap and at best a slim chance that the kids will ever figure it out if they are not given the facts Vs the avoidance of calling BM out for her crap.  The Emperor was butt naked no matter what bullshit he fed his people.  BM needs to be stripped bare regarding her manipulative crap.

Good luck.

justmakingthebest's picture

Honestly you guys are in a great spot. Much better than us. Your Skids see what is happening!! She is trying to alienate but is failing and actually pushing the kids to you. I would suggest you teach the kids a few phrases that they can send back to BM to hopefully nix it. 

BM: Your dad is a horrible person

Kid: I am sorry you feel that way mom but he is my dad and I love him so please don't make mean comments about him because you are hurting me in the process. 

SeeYouNever's picture

You have to be a good role model and not do the same thing that BM is doing. you're lucky that the kids are recognizing this bad behavior on her part. in terms of combating it you don't need to because the kids are seeing right through it. They are going to see their mom is a petty and negative woman so really she's shooting herself in the foot by doing this. The best thing you can do is not stoop to her level.