You are here

Holidays with grandparents ... HELP!

Millie12's picture

Hi 

First time posting ... looking for some advice please ... 

Myself and my partner have been together 2 years - we have 2 children each (both boy and a girl) and they are all around the same age. We have had regular holidays together and spend most free time as a family of 6. 
my two children have previously been used to having more one on one time with me and their grandparents and Aunty / cousins. 
They have recently asked me if they can have "a normal holiday with just their grandparents and Aunty and me without the step-siblings" They do get on great with their step siblings but when we are altogether my attention is divided between the 4 of them and I do end up being pulled in all directions to try and keep everyone happy. My children miss having my attention to themselves. They understand that normal family holidays moving forward would always be the 6 of us - but I've recently looked at going away for a couple of nights with just my 2 and just with my parents and sister and her 2 2 children. My parents asked if we could just include their grandchildren on this occasion so they can give them lots of time etc... but unfortunately my partner feels hurt that his children can't be included in this weekend and has decided not to go either .

I am feeling extremely torn - I want to give my children their wish of having a holiday to themselves with their immediate family and myself to enjoy that time with my parents and sister and put all my focus on my kids. But The last thing I want to do is upset my partner

... I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer but would really appreciate some feedback / thoughts. Should blended families have separate holidays? 

I have suggested that we also take his children away on their own so they can appreciate having full attention etc but he is not convinced and thinks we should now do things as a family of 6. 
Aaaah so stressful x 

STaround's picture

Is your partner doing his job as a parent?  Or are you the only one chasing the kids around?  

Does your partner not have any extended family nearby?   Cant you both take off? 

 

Millie12's picture

He's a great dad and step dad but all the kids come to me first for most things. I find that when there are all 6 of us I spend more time telling my kids off than having that quality time with them. I also love having quality time with his kids on my own too as I think it helps us bond more. 
he has mentioned he might take his two away on his own which makes me feel even worse. His parents aren't really close to his kids and he doesn't have as close a relationship with his parents as I do with mine. 
my mum and dad are also feeling rather guilty now - we have all holidayed together before , and my parents are brilliant with his kids but his son clings to my mum which then makes mine feel a bit jealous and my mum torn with which way to deal with it. 
 

STaround's picture

Wake up and smell the roses.  If he were a GREAT dad, they would come to him.  Start learning to say ask your dad.   YOUR kids are taking it on the chin.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. How is he a "great dad" if they both come to you? Practice saying, "Ask your dad".  It's not your job to take care of his kids. And there is no reason your parents need to have his kids around all the time in order to see their grandchildren.  It's not fair of your DH to insist otherwise.  It's good that they are nice to your skids, but loving them or seeing them as grandchildren is optional. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I am assuming that you have planned this holiday on days that your step kids are with their mother? If so, then there is NOTHING wrong with excluding them. I would go without your DH then, but tell him that he is a moron for not going and that you are NOT happy about it...and that you won't continue to put up with this crap.

I have a large blended family, too and I HATE the all or nothing mentalilty that my DH has.........I haven't been able to fix it yet...but my patience is wearing thin....

Millie12's picture

My partner has his kids stay over every other weekend .. although the weekend I've booked wouldn't normally be his weekend with his kids he would have still wanted to change weekends so his kids could come too and not miss out. He has decided not to go as he would feel too guilty coming with my children and my family and not including his own kids. He said he might take them somewhere on his own whilst I'm away. It's really difficult because I can understand he must feel a bit hurt by me wanting time on my own with my kids and family but I don't want to have to feel guilty for doing that. He doesn't seem to get it . 

Thisisnotus's picture

this makes me sooooo mad for you. These men are so pathetic (my own DH included). So now, because you are going somewhere with your kids on a weekend that your DH will NOT have his kids..........your DH not only decided NOT to go with you....but decided to go and get the kids from BM when it is NOT his weekend....to take them somewhere.

So that tells me......not only would he feel way too guilty to go with YOU....but now he also feels guilty simply because YOU and YOUR kids are going somewhere.........so much so that he has to go take  his kids somewhere.

I can't with these men and these stories.......it makes me think it will never change for any of us.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Rags's picture

This is a blaring statement so please do not ingnore what he is clearly telling you.  You and the marriage are not as important to him as his children are.

He needs to engage with you and your family even on the weeks that his children are with their mom.  Conversely you need to occassionally engage with he and his family while your own children are visiting with family.

Just my thoughts of course.

hereiam's picture

He has decided not to go as he would feel too guilty coming with my children and my family and not including his own kids.

If it's not even his weekend with the kids, he needs to get over it. This is what happens in a divorce/re-marry situation. Kids will miss out on certain things with mom, and with dad. Big deal, that is life.

You are going to visit your family, not to Disney World. What are they really missing out on?

Your partner is being unreasonable.

 

ndc's picture

I think it is a good, healthy thing for your kids to have quality time with you and their grandparents.  There is nothing wrong with just "your" family going away for a vacation.  I'm not sure why you feel bad that he wants to take "his" kids away on his own, either.  It sounds like at least one of his kids is clingy and that his kids take your attention from your own kids.  This is still a relatively new situation for your children - it's good to let them know that they're your priority by having one-on-one time with them.  If that requires going away, so be it.

Do your skids spend time with their other parent?  If so, that's an ideal time to go away without them.  DH and I just went away for Christmas with our daughter and no skids, because it was skids' time to be with their mother.  They would have loved to go with us (we were going to the warm, sunny beach during winter!), but since they knew it was mom's time, they didn't feel left out or resentful that we went without them.  They had their own fun time while we were gone.

Millie12's picture

Yes they spend lots of time with their mum. And they go on holiday once or twice a year with her. So I agree that would be a perfect time for us to take mine. However my sister / mum has only got this certain date in mind and the other dates are twice as expensive so we are going to just go for 2 nights over a weekend. x

SeeYouNever's picture

What your children asked for is reasonable for one of their holidays. I would explain to them that since you're a larger family you need to celebrate the holidays a few different times in order to celebrate it with everyone. so I would give them some time with just you and just your family some time with just their dad and his family and then time all together. I think this is a good way for you to be diplomatic within your family while also taking their idea into consideration.

Millie12's picture

Thank you everyone for your comments it's made me feel so much better and put things into perspective! 
:) 

BethAnne's picture

Who cares if your husband chooses not to come along too. Your kids wanted a vacation the way it used to be and want attention from you not your husband. 

Go and have fun with your family. If your husband wants to arrange a trip for his kids and family then he is free to do so. 

Married couples can do things separately and do not need to be joined at the hip. 

shamds's picture

Only ss21 lives at home during the weekend every couple of weeks when on break from university otherwise he is on campus. He is about to graduate soon so will be permanently at home. My husband is asian and i’m from overseas and regularly fly back home to my country overseas, ss or sd’s never come. For starters my dad isn’t related to skids and they’re horrible negative people and belittle and ignore you which ruins the trip

same thing on mini-getaways in hubbys country to neighboring states, skids do not come. Thats just a trip for us especially when celebrating birthdays/anniversaries. I mean why would we want skids when ss says me and my kids are strangers, sd’s rant about bio mum and stepdad and the vibe is so negative when they are there, its hard for hubby to justify things.

trying to plan holidays for the skids being present just reinforces that they are the centre of the universe and the world truly revolves around them. The nature of divorce means they will miss out at times because of logistics and them living in between 2 homes

shamds's picture

Only ss21 lives at home during the weekend every couple of weeks when on break from university otherwise he is on campus. He is about to graduate soon so will be permanently at home. My husband is asian and i’m from overseas and regularly fly back home to my country overseas, ss or sd’s never come. For starters my dad isn’t related to skids and they’re horrible negative people and belittle and ignore you which ruins the trip

same thing on mini-getaways in hubbys country to neighboring states, skids do not come. Thats just a trip for us especially when celebrating birthdays/anniversaries. I mean why would we want skids when ss says me and my kids are strangers, sd’s rant about bio mum and stepdad and the vibe is so negative when they are there, its hard for hubby to justify things.

trying to plan holidays for the skids being present just reinforces that they are the centre of the universe and the world truly revolves around them. The nature of divorce means they will miss out at times because of logistics and them living in between 2 homes