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Another question - Am I obligated to go visit DH's inlaws?

Imastep's picture

After all the disrespect that DH has shown me this past week I don't feel a whit like going to see his parents and siblings with him tomorrow. Plus SD will be there which will mean that I'm going to be ignored and/or disrespected. I don't want to go but I'm concerned about BD who actually didn't want to go a few days ago but now has said she wants to go. I don't want her to feel in the middle of things or know that DH and I are at odds as its very upsetting to her. But what do I say to her without throwing DH under the bus? Should I feign being ill and tell her I'm staying home and she can either go with DH or stay home as well? I'm so mad at DH for enmeshing SD and I defintiely don't want to do that to BD as well. 

Imastep's picture

MissTexas what do I say to DD when she asks why I'm not going?

The plan was to spend NYE at the parent's house. I. don't. want.to.go.  But I always do go and smile and put on a show of us being a family. Ugh. I'm so tempted to not go. But it could be if I don't go that DH will leave me for good. Which is ok with me but again, I worry so about about our younger daughter. 

MissTexas's picture

 It's important you show your daughter how to stand on her own two feet and not to tolerate intolerable people, and their nasty behaviors. We are to go where we are celebrated, not tolerated. Showing her how to be fake and endure their abuses is not the way. As she gets older she will know the truth, why not tell her now?

twoviewpoints's picture

Your daughter must be at least 18yrs old now. Are you seriously going to stay married (and remain so unhappy) to your ass of a husband so not upset what is now a young adult woman? She's not that little 12yr old who's father smacked in the head and then packed his bag. And she cling to him, blaming herself and begging him to stay.

Yes, she may like some therapy to help her sort things, but you have got to stop protecting her. Do you really think she'd want you to keep living miserable? 

tog redux's picture

I too am perplexed by this OP staying in this situation miserably for 18 years, and having the same dang fights over and over.

OP - you don't have to lie, just say "Your dad is going to your grandparents, and I'm staying home this year - you can do whatever you want to do."  If she asks why you aren't going, just say you aren't up for it this year.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with tog's advice. You have the right to choose if you want to go or not and so does your daughter. If you're concerned that your daughter will feel obligated to stay home because you are not going, tell her that you support her decision either way, because again, it's important that she knows that her decisions should be hers alone and not due to the feelings of others. 

Kes's picture

I would not feel obliged to go anywhere where I am either ignored, disrespected, or both, and I would tell anyone who wanted to know why, that this was the case.  I would not make up an excuse about my health. 

Siemprematahari's picture

How about being honest with your daughter and telling her your truth. Trust me she'll appreciate it, if not now in the long run. You can't shelter her from what is really going on in the house. It's not about getting her involved in the problems within your marriage but showing and displaying honesty. Don't be fooled for one moment that she doesn't sense the tension between you all. 

Don't subject yourself to being around people who treat you so poorly. Model this to your daughter and for your own mental well being do what makes YOU happy. 

SteppedOut's picture

Do not base you decision on "What about my daughter". She very likely knows you are unhappy in your marriage. It is very very difficult to hide that long term. My parents divorced when I was 15. And honestly, I thought... FINALLY. They were both very obviously unhappy. You daughter knows.

sammigirl's picture

Iamastep: sorry I am slow answering you.  Please check your message board.  (((Hugs)))

Rags's picture

I'm confused. Aren't your parents "DH's inlaws."

And no, you are not obligated to visit anyone who will invariably be rude to you and mistreat you.