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OT - ILs are major league a-holes!

2nd wives club's picture

I knew this already, but it really hit home last night. DH's family (BIL/SIL/BIL's kids) all gathered at ILs to celebrate Christmas.

We're doing the gift exchange and MIL brings me a gift bag, and it's the usual, an ornament. I get one every year and it was cute enough. But then FIL hands me a card, and in it is a note that reads:

"Son and DIL,

All debts to me and your mother are now forgiven. Hope this helps to make your Christmas & New Year less stressful.

Merry Christmas Smile

Dad & Mom"

I had a WTF look on my face and showed it to DH. He got really quiet and said he wanted to leave.

How much money do I owe FIL? That would be a big fat $0

How much money does DH owe FIL? Again, $0.

Now IF I had taken a loan from FIL and he forgave that, then it would have been a fabulous gift!

Granted, FIL did a lot to "help" (aka micromanage) DH's bills, and paid off debts for DH (without asking DH first) when DH got divorced. DH never asked for it! He appreciates it. But now it's this "debt is forgiven". From when, birth??

I was angry with FIL and MIL. MIL set the nasty tone before we even got there. DH texted her asking if OSS and MSS were going to be there. She replied "Yeah, I invited them since I wasn't sure if YOU would". She's always guilting him for not attending every single game and missing work to go out of state to watch his son pitch for scouts. Because who TF needs money, right??

I'd brought a bottle of Bailey's and when we were leaving ILs, I marched my happy butt up to the refrigerator and took it home. It's yummy with hot chocolate.

So, next year, I've got my gift planned for IL's - I'm regifting the ornament back to them, with a card and note "All housesitting/cat care/mail pick up/plant watering is free of charge this year. Merry Christmas". Because they always demand DH drop everything and check the mail and feed the cats, water the plants etc. while they're on their month plus RV trips.



hereiam's picture


I would have to ask, "What debts?" If FIL paid off any of his son's debts on his own, that is on him.

2nd wives club's picture

Sooo glad I didn't invite them to spend Christmas Eve or day with us. Just thinking about them right now is getting me really ramped up. Gotta let it go...deep breaths..


2nd wives club's picture

Oh we did. I wasn't rude nor was DH.

IMO, it's bad mojo to bring up who owes who what and beat it over someone's head during Christmas especially under the guise of a "gift".

beebeel's picture

I fully expect to receive yet another scarf from my MIL/FIL. A

It is the gift I have received from them for every birthday (November) and Christmas for the past 14 years. I have a whole freaking section in my closet of scarves I. Do. Not. Nor. Have. I. Ever. Worn. 

In-laws suck. To lump you in with dh's divorce "debt" was a dick move.

Siemprematahari's picture

What father in law did was straight up tacky and not called for. That statement could have been said personally during some other time, not on a Christmas card. If I were H I'd want him to elaborate on "all debts forgiven". If his parents took it upon themselves to help him that's on them. I'm sure and hope your H thanked them and was grateful but to make a comment like that and hold it over someone head.......Your H doesn't owe them anything but a thank you. 

I wouldn't want to go to their home with that type of treatment. 

2nd wives club's picture

We'll add a P.S. to our homemade coupon for a free year's homesitting service

"All debts for prior years of car repairs and maintenance, lawn maintenance for rental properties, appliance installations, plant watering, pet and house sitting are now forgiven. We hope this makes your Christmas and New Years less stressful."

strugglingSM's picture

DH is supposed to allow MIL to meddle with BM for the rest of his life because she “helped him” by letting him and Skids stay with her for a year after he got a divorce. After he moved out she complained about being lonely and never seeing SKids, but she still holds it over his head that she “had to help” after his divorce.

We had a full on Christmas celebration with DH’s family yesterday - Santa even arrived to give out gifts to the kids - but SIL still had to complain that they won’t see SSs on Christmas Day. Earlier this year, DH and BM agreed at mediation to split the holiday. DH asked his entire family to stay out of it because even though both BM and her lawyer agreed to alternate holidays, in exchange for several provisions BM wanted (including more child support than she is entitled to), BM emailed DH a week later and said she had no intention of alternating Christmases. DH kindly asked his family to back off and not get involved several times. About a month ago, BM emails DH and tells him that she’s been working with MIL to ensure SKids see his family on Christmas. This is not about SKids seeing DH’s family on Christmas, this is so next year, BM can say “I let your family see SKids on Christmas Day last year, so you have to let them see my family on Christmas Eve this year!” We know this because her emails always talk about Christmas 2020, 2022, and 2024. 

When DH called MIL out, she blamed him saying he is “just at war” with BM and she “had to get involved, so your children know they are loved.” As if celebrating Christmas on December 22nd and not the 25th is a sign that they are unloved. 

At yesterday’s Christmas celebration - which was a full on celebration - SIL complains to DH that she “won’t see SKids” because she is only here for 7 days herself. Mind you, DH brought SKids over to see her on Saturday, she saw then yesterday and she’ll see them on Friday. That’s more time than she’s ever seen them when she’s been at home. Also, it’s not as if she sat down and talked to either of them yesterday at the family extravaganza. 

Three years ago on Christmas, DH’s family held a huge Christmas Eve extravaganza (even though SKids were with BM), then on Christmas Day, we had to shuttle them down to BIL’s house so they could “see their family”, only to get pushed out the door an hour later because we weren’t invited to BIL’s Christmas dinner. No one complained about not spending time with SKids that Christmas.

Even now that we’re finally alternating Christmases and I actually get to see my family on the holiday for the first time in four years, DH’s family still manages to ruin the holiday for me...and also preemptively in 2020 by getting involved in BM’s drama.

SM12's picture

Your in-laws are a real piece of work!   I would have asked “And can you give us a specific amount that was forgiven since I need to know exactly how much help your giving us?”

It sounds like her gift was a back handed passive aggressive gift.