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How can this be right!!??

Stepmom26745294's picture

So I had a client the other day and we got to talking and both of us are divorced. She asked me how the coparent relationship is and I said it's good! I tried not to get into personal stuff with clients but some people just like to share so she preceded to tell me that I am lucky because her ex had got physically abusive with her a few times after she asked for a divorce. She said that he since he went to therapy after and it only happened a couple times and never around the children he still got granted 50/50. I just said "that must be hard" and moved on. Is that possible? I had a much different impression of custody in domestic violence cases. What do you think?? 

Panther1's picture

just because he couldn't get along with his ex doesn't mean that he can't get along with his kids.

Anonymity's picture


Ispofacto's picture

OJ Simpson got custody.

Violence against women is condoned in this country.  Pay attention.



tog redux's picture

We don't really know the details.  For all you know, she was a HCBM who is lying about her ex. BM here accused DH of everything under the sun.

lieutenant_dad's picture


BM here was physically abusive, cheated, committed financial fraud against DH, and was unemployed when she and DH got divorced.

Guess who got custody? BM. Guess who got a temporary protective order against DH because someone broke into "her" car (I put that in quotes because they weren't divorced yet and the car was still in DH's name, so he would have had to pay to fix any damages so why would he cause hundreds of dollars worth of damage when he was already paying her hundreds of dollars for her apartment, et al because she wad too broke to pay for it herself?) and she pointed a finger at DH? BM. Guess who managed to get temporary supervised visitation because she was "afraid" of what DH would do (zero history of him being abusive) but wasn't afraid to cheat on her new husband with DH (gross and way before my time, but DH was an idiot)? BM.

I'm not calling the woman in OP's story a liar. That wouldn't be fair or right. What I am saying is that people can be screwy and courts will rule however they wish to rule in spite of evidence (or lack thereof, in my DH's case). Granted, this happened to my DH over a decade ago, but it still happens. Heck, the judge that presided over my parents' custody arrangement was recently unceremoniously removed from the bench due to his rulings in family court and his requirements for parents to go through post-divorve parenting classes that made his friend oodles of money. That man potentially ruined families for profit, and that makes me squeamish with our entire justice system. 

grace8205's picture

My ex had 50/50 custody even though I was issued a non expiring order of protection against my ex. 

ndc's picture

We have a family friend whose husband was violent with her multiple times (she eventually got a restraining order), but he got the kids 50/50.   He had never been violent with the kids, and our state presumes 50/50 is in the best interest of the kids.   It seems pretty risky to me, but in 3 years of 50/50 all is well.  They mostly do exchanges using the school bus; she doesn't go near him.  I have another friend whose STBX has a DV against her. He'll get EOWE because that's what he asked for; I suspect in our state he'd get 50/50 if he requested it.

Kiwi_koala's picture

What is wrong with this country? This country is  backwards. A man  who is abusive to the mother of their children is a sick and weak person who is not mentally capable of raising children properly. I don't care if that's their other parent. It's a threat to the children because they are around an abusive person. No wonder why the quality of people keeps getting worse and worse every generation. No one actually cares about protecting the vulnerable ie: women and children.

lieutenant_dad's picture

We need to stop the narrative that women are just as vulnerable as children because that's how crazy psychotic mothers end up with primary custody of their kids and insane amounts of CS and alimony that men rarely ever get (and women are ever rarely punished for not paying).

Sick people are sick. Victims are victims. I'll agree that the patriarchy is alive and well and it hurts both women and men, but women still lose out more. But you can't fight systemic oppression and abuse when you continue the line of thinking that fully-fledged adult women need protecting like children do. They do need support and assitance, but so do many other folks from other folks.

MrGrumpyPants's picture

My girlfriend and her narcissistic abusive ex have 50/50 custody and it's a disaster.  Bottom line, if one partner has much more financial resources at his disposal, and can influence the children who he abuses to keep their mouths shut, no matter how much other evidence there is the courts will try to do 50/50 parenting.  Horrible for the children and horrible for my girlfriend, but the courts aren't particularly enlightened on abuse unfortunately.

Rags's picture

If she called 911 and put his ass in jail for assault he likely would not have any visitation or at most supervised visitation.

Children should not be forced into the presence of violent assholes.

The just because he beat his wife does not mean he will beat his children perspective is bullshit IMHO and courts should not have any  choice but to purge domestically violent assholes from the lives of children. Regardless of who the violent asshole is to the child.