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Locking doors in house

nana09's picture

How do you all feel about having doorknobs with locks and keys to almost each room in the house? I Think its pretty ridiculous and its driving me nuts, but maybe its just me.

This past weekend DH decides to put new door knobs with keys in my biokids room (ages 8 & 10), on our room, on his kids room (ages 7&9) and on his closet. I have never felt the need to have a door with a lock and keys to my room because I just never did. I know the kids and DH respect each others things and privacy. I have taught them that if there is a dollar in the table that isnt theirs than it stays there untouched. It was how I was raised too. My biokids have never expressed the need to have their door locked either, even when they arent home.

I asked my DH why all of a sudden do we all need keys to our rooms and he needs one to his closet? He says "so my kids can leave and feel comfortable that their room is locked". I asked why? was there a reason? and was he doing it mainly for his kids because we NEVER needed to lock our doors when leaving and carry a key. He said no. So I told him that he needs to keep in mind I do go into the childrens room when they are gone to put things (mainly toys or shoes when left in the living room, or clean laundry when i am done with it) or take things out (mainly laundry). That as far as his closet i also put his shoes and clothes or take out laundry. 

What does my DH do? Last night before he puts his kids to bed he tells his oldest "Dont forget to lock your door and take your key before leaving to school". So this morning, completely forgetting this whole new "locking our doors" thing, i go into my childrens room to put some shoes in there (room is not locked) than i go to my stepkids room to put some things in there and guess what? its locked! i go to try put my husbands shoes into his closet and what? its locked....all while im trying to clean my house. 

im under the impression that him and his children think my children and I go through their things which is why they feel the need to lock their doors and it does make me feel offended because we dont. Because my children and i dont feel the need to lock our stuff because we trust our home and everyone in it. My kids left to school before my stepkids did leaving their room wide open.

As far as needing to put things in their room and closet or do their laundry and i cannot get in their, anyone suggest what I should do? 


Siemprematahari's picture

My issue is how he had the nerve to do all this and not discuss it with you first. I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense and he's going to know it. He's not being completely honest with you in my opinion and if he can't communicate the real reason behind all these locked's a problem.


ESMOD's picture

Whelp.. looks like you just got out of skid and DH duties.. they can wash their own clothes.. put their own things away..

If you need to clear their things from a common area.. then just have a big tub.. dump everything that doesn't belong in the common rooms in there.. they can sort through and find their stuff if they want it.

I would be "dMned" if I would allow someone to lock me out of a space that I own.. in my own home.  Kids have ZERO rights to privacy really.. 

STaround's picture

BUT, I suspect there have been issues with people taking stuff not theres.  Now, it can be relatively benign, like borrowing something, but I think you need to talk to him, and tell him in the future he needs to talk to you.   Unless of course, he spoke to you and you pooh-poohed his complaints.  Many stepmoms complain about stepkids taking things and are advised to lock doors.

You will have to work out what to do re laundry.  It would REALLY bother me if DH would not give me a key.


nana09's picture

I trust my stepkids though and im not worried about them taking things that are not theirs (as bratty as they are) just like i trust my kids. As far as them borrowing each other stuff, they share when they are all with each other and they always give back their things unless its something really small and they forget. So i really dont know where is all this coming from.

tog redux's picture

Wait, you don't have a key? Oh hell no. You are an adult in the home. 

AND, it's a huge safety hazard to have kids locking their doors and you don't have a key. 

tog redux's picture

What is he hiding in his closet?

I'd be very upset by all of this. It's very fishy. 

Jcksjj's picture

No effing way. In no other situation would it be okay for someone to lock a homeowner out of a room of their home. 

The 19 year old is an adult and has the option to move out or stay at moms fulltime if he has a problem with you.

The exceptions to obvious rules that people make for skids is mindblowing to me.

Siemprematahari's picture

If it were me I think I would have locked his @ss out the house without a damn key and see how he likes it.......

You know don't mention it until after the fact.....

nana09's picture

sorry, i meant 9 year old. hell, if he was 19 i probably would have told him myself "get to steppin"

SM12's picture

I understand the locked doors if there is a history of things being taken.  We had to lock my BSs door because the SSs would take his things.  We got to the point of going through bags before they left each time.    However if that isn’t the case then this is ridiculous.

And why does your DH lock his closet?  That is shady in itself.  What does he have to hide?   

It would be a cold day in hell I would do anything for him or his kids.  And you can bet I would lock up something else or hubby may be wanting to get Into....

tog redux's picture

Oooh, a chastity belt!  I like that!  

Tell him he will get a copy ... whoops, just kidding. No key for you.

nana09's picture

Giiirl, Im going to give him a week to stop this nonsense before concidering locking up my closet in our room and every drawer with my things. When he asks why im going to say "not that i dont trust you guys but when Im not home the kids go into our room with you. Once again, not that i dont trust but im going to feel better."

Jcksjj's picture

That's way different though- that's an adult telling the other kid he cant go in the kids room. I dont see an issue with that at all. This is the spouse telling his kids they have more say than the other adult in the home and can lock her out. 

ybarra357's picture

I have locks on my bedroom and another door in my house.  DH has our bedroom key, but not my spare room where I store some personal things.  Nothing he needs in there anyway.  I don't, for one minute, trust adult SK's.  Not the adult SK's still live there, but they have stolen and destroyed my personal belongings.  

Aniki's picture

The minute your 'D'H put a lock on HIS closet is the minute I'd be questioning my marriage. If this was truly an issue, he would have made/given YOU a copy of all keys before he installed the locks. 

Children should not have locked doors. Children invading the space/property of others is due to crap parenting and no consequences. 

ITB2012's picture

on closet doors in our bedroom, DSs bedroom, and OSSs bedroom since YSS (and OSS) had a problem keeping their mitts off other people's stuff. And DH has a problem keeping his hands off stuff and a problem telling his kids to keep their hands off stuff.

The kids are all mostly out of the house but I still use the lock on my closet and still keep DSs closet locked. I have been taught several times that DH has no boundaries when it comes to my things so I need a straightforward one for him.

Thumper's picture

Kids do not have privacy period. They dont. Not in our house.

Its very shifty when anyone pulls telling you 'after the fact" as their GO to behavior.

BM is like that...

You know,  Act First, say you didnt know OR it was a mistake OR it was a bad 'choice"... later.

barf. what ever A**H****


Felicity0224's picture

After my oldest SD went through the far depths our dresser and proceeded to relate back to BM the contents of handwritten notes (notes that I had hidden very well) between DH and I, I started locking our bedroom whenever we leave either SD alone at home. I felt like I was well within my rights to do that, and DH agreed.

That being said, what your DH has done is pretty messed up and I would be furious. I guess if he wants to lock the the kid’s rooms, I would tell him that it’s fine, but anything you find “out” that needs to be put away will be thrown away if you can’t get into the bedroom. And the kids can start doing their own laundry. As for him locking his closet and not giving you a key? I wouldn’t stand for that for a second. Is he hiding something? I just can’t wrap my head around why anyone would do that to their spouse. 

ndc's picture

I'd tell DH that I will not be doing any cleaning up, laundry or anything for his kids going forward.  And I would tell him that I'm looking forward to the extravagant Christmas present he's hiding in his closet for me. Because what other reason could he have for locking his closet?

BethAnne's picture

I am really hoping that your husband and his kids are hiding amazing (possibly large) christmas present in their room/closet for you and your boys.....but that may be too optimistic. 

Is your husband normally a person who gets paranoid? Could his mental health be affecting him? Is he acting strangely in any other capacities?

Is this coming from the step kids mother?? Is she coming up with nonesense and pestering your husband to do this?

I would agree with letting them all deal with laundry/tidying if you do not have access to their rooms/ is not like you could do it anyway. I would also try to dig a little deeper with my husband to see if I could find out what the real issue is before taking further direct action. Once a problem is identified then a solution can be worked on, without that you just have an escalating war within the household of pettiness. If he refuses to discuss the issue further then you can decide what you want to do. Ultimately if he has lost trust in you then that sounds pretty damaging (potentially fatal) to your marriage in my opinion. 

So I will keep my fingers crossed for amazing christmas presents for you all!

Indigo's picture

can offer OP for Christmas.  BethAnne, that was the visual that I got from your post. Hiding a pony.  Actually, I work within a horse rescue so we probably could get OP & her kids a horse. Sorry to derail the thread there ...

Cover1W's picture

DH and I have a locking door to our bedroom, but we have only locked it when we are IN there. I would have no hesitation in locking it otherwise if we had an issue with skids taking things from there, but we didn't.  After we made the rules very clear to the SDs when we moved in.

I actually removed the locks from the SDs rooms, added one on to the office door.  After a while, I added locking cabinets in the laundry room because tools and other house repair things were disappearing...that stopped that. I would not have locked my husband out of my things or he vice-versa.  And as for the locks, he had fair warning and/or we agreed on the plan. 

I would not have locked him out of entire rooms w/out his agreement.  And the OPs skids/kids are young.  There's something else going on...

WarMachine13's picture

NOT COOL. If I'm hiding a gift for my wife it's in my gun safe or my locked cabinet at work. 

Yeah, take off that door cuz he's hiding something. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This.  He's hiding something... And frankly, he shouldn't be hiding stuff from you. That's how s*** blows up.  There have to be better places to hide things than in his closet with a lock.

As for the kids rooms. We REMOVED the locks from the skid's doors when we moved in. There is ZERO reason for kids to have locks on their doors.

Indigo's picture

For whatever reason it appears as if you & yours are the enemy.

We have locks in the house. We have a master bedroom lock WHEN we are in it since SGD-16 has no sense of boundaries. Adding her brothers for a visit caused locks to be installed on the office door.  Knives are confiscated & locked down before visitation. That's all kinda normal in the efft-up step world we live in.  I have full knowledge & access to everything.

It sounds as if you & your children are in the cold. Locked out within your own home. There is likely a huge backstory & lots of justification on both sides. Don't sweat it. No laundry. No cooking. No cleaning.  Pile it up in the hallway. Have fun with it.

If you are now adversarial roommates, accept your 30 day notice.  Take a hint. Plan accordingly.

ETA:  I was rather harsh when I posted & I'm sorry if I caught you unawares. I'd like to come up with a good explanation for DH's sudden behavior. I'm stumped, tbh. Perhaps locking his closet was the main intent & the other is just smokescreen.

I'm sorry that you're living with this. I would be beyond hurt & packing my bags.

Winterglow's picture

Well, I'm kind of petty and think I'd probably add a second lock to all of the first ones ...

The way I see it, you both live there, therefore you should both have the same access to all areas of your home.

lieutenant_dad's picture

First, NO ONE in a house I PAY FOR is getting a locking door that I don't have a key to. Not happening, especially with minors in the house. If your DH wants everyone to have locking doors, then he better be giving you a master key to get into every single one of them.

I'll echo everyone else that you're no longer responsible for your DH's or SKs' stufd. That's ALL on them now. I like the tub idea, or piling everything on DH's side of the bed (or right in front of his closet door).

And even IF he gives you a master key, he is now STILL responsible for everything.

"DH, you made the unilateral decision without talking to me, your equal partner, an ADULT who helps maintain and pay for our MUTUAL home, to put locks on the doors and not give me an explanation or a key. So, I've made the unilateral decision to not do for you or the SKs anymore. I will not play games with you, and this is your only warning. You decide to do something stupid like this again, and I'll find a new place that you will never have a key to. This was an extremely disrespectful and hurtful move on your part, and I won't play games. You turned our home into living quarters, and if you want things to be that separated, then you can take care of yours while I take care of mine. I'm not having this."