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MiL at it again... had enough!

Dani01's picture

My interfering MiL has recently started going on about me looking after SS7 and SD3, knowing full well its a point of contention with me (I work full time, have a small sole charge business & do all the cooking and housework). We live in my house & have the kids every 2nd weekend.

BD has a job where hes often working from first thing in morn to last thing at night in summer - MiL told him she would look after kids no worries, but now shes realising how much hard work they are, and is trying to pressure me by making comments every time I see her about me stepping up, and also now trying to push being friends with HCBM (cause shes slimed her way back in after stealing from MiL & taking her son to the cleaners through the courts).

Its a weird situation & my man & I were happy with arrangements up until recently - i think MiL is in his ear as hes started making comments now too. I'm so sick of it and I said tonight to MiL that its something that me & my man need to discuss among ourselves... and i dont want to hear about BM as shes his ex, yes the mother of his kids but we will never be friends. Arrgh its doing my head in

As I write this, MiL is trying to call me & she only just left an hour ago... shes doing my head in.

Do I tell my man to tell her to back off?

Kes's picture

Your MIL sounds ultra controlling.   Do you really want to cope with this family? They're all a PITA.   If it was me, I would have already told MIL to back the duck off, and told OH that I was not minding his kids under any circumstances.  He seems to be more trouble than he's worth - I only hope he's good in bed to make up for it all.  If he wants a babysitter, employ someone. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your DH has his kids 4 days a month, maybe 6 days depending on the calendar - and he can't manage his work schedule so he spends that amount of time with them?

Beyond that, MIL needs to stay out of it. If she can watch them great - if not, DH needs to make other arraignments. He needs to tell his mother to get out of your business, especially since she has rekindled a relationship with BM.

Disneyfan's picture

So he should tell the person he's dumping his kids on to stay out of his business???   The best way to keep folks out of your business, is to not involve them in it.  

markwvualum's picture

One of the reasons our relationship ended was because of an overbearing, overly controlling MIL who over stepped her bounds regularly and was always harping in my DG's ear. I do not miss that.

Dani01's picture

Thanks for the feedback - nice to get some validation that yes she is being unreasonable! 

I'm very worried this is going to break our relationship... but i think its come to the point where sonething needs to happen to stop this.

I have just got to the stage where I don't get a dread feeling when I know the kids are coming... then I get hit with this. Life is too short to be wondering where the next hit is coming from. Maybe their family is used to living this way, but I'm not!

Monkeysee's picture

How long have you been with this guy? This level of drama rarely resolved itself, are you sure this guy is worth it?

Winterglow's picture

Next time he brings this up, point out that you are already dong his share of cooking and housework and you will NOT take on his hsare of parenting too!

Dani01's picture

Thanks I did this this morning - hes never home so doesnt see how much work actually goes into running a home... it falls on deaf ears lol

tog redux's picture

If he can't be home for his weekends (seriously, 4 days a month?) and MIL doesn't want them, then he can forfeit his visitation.   What's the point of them being there anyway, if he's not there?

Dani01's picture

Its a sticky situation - BM was crazy & using kids as a weapon (threatening to move away, refusing to let him see them) so he got a parenting order put in place. So its very rigid - he can get taken to court if he cant take them. And i think there should be some flexibility if he is working & can't have them, as he takes them on other ocxasions when its not 'his time', but it seems to all go the BM's way. Between school & daycare & pawning them off to my man's mother, she hardly has them anyway!

tog redux's picture

I'd be sure that's what the CO says. If BM is the Custodial Parent, then there is no obligation on the part of the Non-Custodial Parent to take visitation. 

Disneyfan's picture


Wait, this man only has his kids one weekend a month and he's dumping them on his mother???

You and your MIL should be on the same team.  Neither one of you should be expected to be the ones watching his kids.  Your MAN is the parent.  That means he needs to ensure his visitation schedule is conducive to his work schedule. 

You AND MIL should tell your MAN to get his act together.

Dani01's picture

I basically told his MiL this straight last night - bluntly - I said they are his kids & he had them, now he has to step up! But its to do with his job, he actually has to work & can't get out of it - hes self employed but the work has to be done it can't wait. It sucks!

Disneyfan's picture

That's an excuse. 

If he can't run a business AND parent his kids one weekend a month, then he needs a regular 9 to 5 job.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

only spend 1 weekend a month with his children is not much of a father.

It is not your responsibility to look after his kids, but he is certainly not stepping up to the plate..

His mom should not be bothering you about this matter, but certainly she can address her feelings about his lack of involvement with her son. 

Direct his mom to have her convesations with her son.


Thumper's picture

Is he your husband OR yo man ie your boyfriend.

Come on now,  Is it too much to ask that we pretend to be grownups with some education?

Just 'saying" lol

strugglingSM's picture

In my opinion, one of the biggest mistakes my DH made was relying too much on MIL for help with SSs after his divorce. In my case, MIL loves to meddle and try to control things, so she was all too happy to be there to serve as a surrogate parent to SSs during parenting time. DH allowed it in part because MIL has always been “taking charge” for him, but also because it was easy and meant he didn’t have to manage SSs, who are completely unparented by BM and therefore still act like toddlers or complete jerks, even as teens. 

This has come back to bite DH when he wants MIL to butt out. More specifically, she now argues that she has to meddle for the sake of SSs. She doesn’t, they are fine, she is purely serving her own needs, but by giving her so much power in allowing her to take control right after his divorce, DH has created a dynamic where MIL still feels entitled to take that much control.

Now, DH and I both avoid MIL for the most part. She has noticed something is up, but can’t figure out what or why...even though DH has been pretty clear with her that her meddling is not okay. In MIL’s mind, she’s just an innocent victim and completely misunderstood, but really she’s controlling, manipulative, and doesn’t recognize or honor other people’s boundaries. 

If your MIL is the same, you and your DH need to figure out a way not to rely on her or she will always be butting in to your business and telling you how things should be.

Dani01's picture

Oh my god this sounds like exactly the same situation as us! And the MiL's are the same - you described her perfectly. I think they just dont even realise they are doing it, but its caused a huge rift in our relationship. 

Lately all she talks about is kids & has he got the kids this weekend, or the kids this-and-that - I just want my normal relationship back where me & my partner could have a day without drama or something being brought up to stir things up or upset me - its no way to live.

BethAnne's picture

If MIL does not want the kids then Dad needs a new job that will let him take the kids or a schedule that fits in with his work. He can have different winter and summer schedules if that works out better or perhaps he doesnt see the kids for a couple of months during the summer but gets a couple of weeks full time with them before or after the summer to make up for it. He needs to work something out with his ex (or through the courts) that enables him to actually parent his own kids. 

OP I would stand your ground if you are not happy with looking after his kids (and I do not blame you one bit for that). Just because MIL is starting to assert that she does not want to keep doing the child care does not mean that you have to take it up. BD has options, ones which will involve big changes for him, but he does have options. He just has to step up and build his life around having kids rather than barely fitting his kids into his current life. 

theoldredhen's picture

Ah Hon,

Reading your two posts truly saddened me. There you are a young, successful, intelligent woman without children, potentially free as a bird yet about to, essentially, ruin your life.

I married the love of my life at age 42. He had 2 children for whom he expected me to do exactly nothing. Anything that I did decide to do for them was appreciated but never expected. 

To marry this man, with so much against the union, is to guarantee a life of misery and regret yet I suspect that you’ll ignore all of the warnings that you’ve been given and head for the cliff. 

Your boyfriend wants a partner who is willing to babysit his children; that’s a hard fact that will continue to rear its ugly head as your relationship progresses, particularly with his harridan of a mother whispering nasties in his ear. 

You are in the prime of your life, Hon, and you are a prize! Please, do not sell yourself short by marrying this man and his ghastly baggage! Stop

Rags's picture

Nope.  MIL needs to be continually reminded of HCBMs thieving from MIL and MIL's commitment to watch the Skids.  Make sure that MIL has clarity that you will never engage or be friends with HCBM and that your business will not allow you to care for the Skids during the work week.  MIL also needs to understand that other than EOWE the Skids will not be in your home.

My mom is also one to give the benefit of thhe doubt and think that everyone is capable of learning from their own crap.  I am not so forgiving.  I am an adherant to the perspective that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior and performance until it is demonstrated otherwise for the duration.

MIL needs to be continually reminded of the facts and to learn to lower her expectations of HCBM so she nor anyone else will be disappointed.