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BM is NOT willing to compromise (who would've thought?)

ladybug3's picture

After my last blog post, I told DH about some of you giving the advice of telling BM to send over her timesharing ideas. He did, and boy did it go horribly. First BM demanded that they meet in person this weekend because she was going to write up the talking points (*vomit*). Then when he repeated that he preferred to just text, she called him "immature and retarded." Isn't she lovely? 

He didn't respond after that, but she kept sending text messages. First she said she wanted the timesharing to be as equal as possible for both of them, even though the parenting plan she's already filed with the court puts their time at 80/20 favoring her. Then she brought up how DH can't pick up/drop off SS to and from school because we only have one vehicle. DH asked for weekend time with SS, and BM wants him to have him every other weekend, so I have no idea why she brought that up. 

Then she said he needs to move into a larger apartment, because until then she doesn't want SS spending the night here. She lives in her sister's spare room (which she shares with SS) so I have no idea why she thinks she can judge. Our apartment is small, but SS has his own bed and his own space. Our lease is up in March and we're going to try and find a house before then. Either way, it's none of her GD business since DH has never said one word about her and SS sharing a room. 

Then she said that he need not respond to her if he can't figure out his transportation/housing situation. This was all said over the course of 5 or 6 LONGGGG text messages, which is probably just a fraction of what she would have said if he had met her in person. Her last text said, "It would have been nice to have an agreed plan but I'm not hopeful." After all of those text messages she literally left him with no options. "Buy another car and a house and THEN we'll discuss timesharing" is essentially what she said. So how would they have agreed on a plan???

DH still didn't respond to any of this, because it's obvious she isn't actually willing to have a discussion, she's just interested in telling him what to do and acting like she's the better parent. DH and I both have vehicles, and picking up/dropping off SS has literally never been a problem for us. Sure we live in a one bedroom, but SS takes up the living room space when he's with us. We're also working hard to get into a house, although BM doesn't know that. She overshares with DH and then assumes he should do the same. When she applied for a mortgage about six months ago she bragged and bragged about the type of house she was going to get... and then she got denied. So she's been in her sister's spare room for over two years.   

Given the context of the parenting plans filed by both of them her text messages make no sense. Plus the context of reality, but BM has never been big on that one lol. But now we have screenshots of her calling him names after all he said was "text me your ideas." That will be fun to show the judge. 



ndc's picture

Well, at least your DH asking her to provide her suggested plan confirmed what you already know - that she won't be reasonable and won't compromise. She's also given you her "objections" to DH's custody (1 car, no bedroom, etc.) so you can be prepared to respond. I'd also ask for Our Family Wizard as part of it all so you don't have to deal with her texting.

ladybug3's picture

We're not worried about her "objections" since they're ridiculous lol. DH has never once told her that he couldn't pick up or drop off SS due to not having a vehicle, so she's bringing up a moot point. SS using the living room as his bedroom is a hell of a lot better than him sleeping in mommy's room, especially since DH knows that she's had at least one boyfriend spend the night with her. If only he could have documented that somehow...

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H is right in not responding to her. Hopefully he can get a CO outlining everything, stick to it, and only correspond with BM when absolutely necessary. Anything he says will be undermined and manipulated by her so whats the point. She doesn't get to dictate how big a home he should get and assume how many vehicles he has. People like her, he has to shut down and not entertain in the least bit. Continue documenting everything and hopefully it comes to bite her in the ass.

momjeans's picture

Wow, she sounds like a real peach, throwing the “R” word around.

I suppose this means the next step is court? 

ladybug3's picture

Yeah, she's just wonderful. I can't imagine why DH broke up with her.

They're going to court in February, the trial date is set. This was her hail-Mary to try and get him to give in to her demands. She knows that she's f*cked up big time and she's not going to get her way in court with 80/20 timesharing, changing SS's last name, and the long list of other things she wants. 

ladybug3's picture

Her and DH were never married, but when SS was born they gave him DH's last name. When BM finally accepted the fact that DH and I got married, she responded to the court petition and asked that SS's last name be changed to hers. DH asked why, she said because she doesn't want him to have the same last name as a stranger (me). She's a very weird person. 

thinkthrice's picture

the Girhippo would do.   Cutting one's nose off to spite one's face.

strugglingSM's picture

This made me laugh out loud...that is crazy!

ladybug3's picture

The funniest part is that she asked for the name change AFTER admitting that DH is the father. She might have been able to change SS's last name before, but now she will need permission from DH. Which she won't get. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Hey, it just shows that she is off her rocker. Good on him for not engaging and just keeping it to the facts of the matter!


tankh21's picture

Wow that BM sounds so lovely and sounds just like the one over here. As long as the kid isn't being mistreated it is none of BM's damn business what your living or car situation is. BM over here tried to pull the same crap. She tried to have OSS take pictures of our house and even tried to "bring" stuff over like food, sheets etc because DH was abusing them. She encourages the skids to cause drama and alienated them against DH. Now BM isn't allowed to even allowed near our house because of all the crap she pulled. She has to meet DH at the park down the street if she wants to "bring" the skids something. Creating boundaries really helps with these BM's.

strugglingSM's picture

Sounds like what she’s really doing is just trying to get attention. The BM in my life always creates a lot of false drama when really she just wants DH to acknowledge she exists.

The latest was that dramatic SS called DH asking if he can spend Friday and Saturday of his visitation weekend with a friend. He tells DH he will go home with him after the football game. SS says he’s talked to BM and she says it’s fine. Also, SS is going to be at a friend’s house, not BM’s, so shouldn’t inconvenience her.

After that conversation, BM sends DH a long message accusing him of violating the parenting plan by communicating with her through SS (there is nothing in the parenting plan about this) and also not being considerate of the fact that having SS around on DH’s weekend might inconvenience her. DH doesn’t respond to her. 

The next day, SS calls again with the exact same request, again saying BM okay’ed it first. DH says “why are you calling me again with this?” And also “are you sure you talked about this with your mother, she is telling me that you didn’t.” 

DH then sends BM a message telling him that he talked to SS and also that if SS talks to her about changes to visitation, she should contact DH instead of having SS contact him.

BM’s reply - “I didn’t know SS was planning anything until you just emailed me.” (Um, BM you emailed DH about this yesterday, how is it that you are now saying you didn’t know about it until today?). She then says, “you always say you don’t want to hear from me, so you need to decide, do you want me to have SS contact you or do you want me to?!!” (BM, you are claiming the parenting plan requires that you contact one another directly and not have the children contact the other parent, but now you’re telling DH that you have to have SS contact him because DH doesn’t want to hear from you? So, basically DH is forcing you to violate the parenting plan (which makes no mention of communication)?) This woman will go to great lengths to make herself the victim and also to force a response from DH. He tries to be respectful and act like an adult and he just gets juvenile drama in return.

I’ve told DH, every time BM sends you a message, I hear “why don’t you love me anymore?!!” regardless of what she is actually saying. This BM is remarried by the way and has been since I’ve known DH, but she will do anything to get attention from DH. She even tried to get DH to go to counseling with her this year. 

ladybug3's picture

I'm sure you're right. BM has a habit of texting things that are supposed to interest DH enough to engage with her, but he started ignoring her a long time ago. She'll text him "You're a liar" out of the blue and never follow up, or, "Can I ask you just one question?" and other bizarre texts like that. She's a complete attention wh*re and she has narcissistic tendancies. If BM here ever tried to get DH to go to counseling with her I would die laughing. She definitely needs therapy lol, but not anywhere near DH.