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Is it so wrong that he wants to spend time with his kids?

Stepmom26745294's picture

BM is constantly trying to fill up the kids time when it's our time. DH has been putting a stop to it but what she does now is tries to make plans through the kids. For instance, SS called him last night and says one of his friends was in the middle of a move and asked if SS could dog sit at their house while they are moving. What??? This makes zero sense. He could hear BM in the background coaching him. DH said "we'll bud, you already have a birthday party that day and we have to run around and get a gift, food for your lizard and you need to take care of your own pets, but how about this: why don't they drop the dog off to us and you can dog sit here" there was a pause (mom telling him what to say) then he says "well I kind of want to go there?" DH said "let's talk about it tomorrow when I pick you up" so mom isn't there coaching him. 
Thid is ridiculous. We have no time with these kids. I get they need to have friends and do things as well but every weekend we have them they have stuff mom sets up for them from the morning until the night. We are SO sick of it! Then she gets the kids involved and puts them in the middle so we have th either go along with this craziness or say no. 
I have ZERO issues like this with my ex! Why is it constantly something with her? Literally every single day it's something. 
why can't she just go get a life? 
So DH just wants to freaking say no. They have responsibilities here that they are not doing because they are constantly doing other things. He put his foot down with the sports nonstop so now she's going to try to get them to do dog sitting ect... what can we do? Just constantly say no to stepsons? She is a complete maniac. 

tankh21's picture

The BM is going to try to control and make your guys miserable in any way she can. Your DH needs to continue to create boundaries. Is there a CO in place?

Stepmom26745294's picture

No. There is a contract between them. I don't think a CO would make a difference. She's insanely sneaky and finds ways around everything. We are going to court but courts are backed up and we have a long wait. DH told his son that if he wants to do things in dad's time he has to come talk to him directly. So SS told his mom this and now she's finding ways to control things through the kids. She will ask friends and find things for them to do then say "ok I know you want to do this but dad demands you speak to him so call him and ask" she's trying to make DH seems unreasonable. So already on Saturday alone this kid has dog sitting (outside of our house of course) and a birthday party. Waiting now to see how she's going to try and fill up Sunday and then they go back to her Sunday at 5:30. That's it! Weekend over. 
She's a nightmare. 

susanm's picture

Since when do kids arrange for pet sitting?  And a HCBM is going to allow her poopsie to sit alone in an empty house?  Bullsh&t. I hope that you get into court fast.  Definitely push your atty for a firm date.  Her aatty very well may then push her for entry of a consent agreement that is registered with the court and is every bit as binding as an order issued by a judge.  A court order does make a difference.  Meanwhile, the kids don't make the rules.  They can suggest ideas but need to do it face to face with dad once they have already arrived at his house. 


Stepmom26745294's picture

Yeah that's tough because if there's a birthday party, he told him he has to tell him right away. He got invited to one last Friday for this weekend. He just gave it to his mom and mom had it all weekend then texted DH on Monday. We had already talked about weekend plans by then. This is so ridiculous. I swear my ex and I have zero issues like this. Our kids go to whichever parent they have that weekend for things. The other parent isn't up the kids butt about everything under the sun. I honestly do not understand why every single thing is a battle and issue with this woman. It's so annoying. She is pathetic! 

susanm's picture

Has his father told him that there will be no ride and weekend plans already made will not be changed so he better clear with him - not his mother - if it is occurring on his weekend?

Stepmom26745294's picture

Yes that's why he called his dad but mom was hovering over him then tells him dad is being difficult. It's nonstop drama and harassment. She's completely crazy. 

ESMOD's picture

No, it's not wrong, but your DH's EX appears to be bound and determined to make it as difficult as possible for him.

Your DH is going to have to be willing to set some boundaries with his EX and his kids if this is to stop.

Sorry son, but your should not have committed to watching the dog since you were going to be at my house over the weekend.

Sorry son, but you didn't give me a heads up on that birthday party.  You will miss it because we already have plans to do other things as a family that weekend.

His kid will learn to be more proactive on letting dad know about these things in advance if he misses a few.

Stepmom26745294's picture

He's doing all this and SS is catching on. The issue is she will not stop putting the kids in the middle, she stands over him and tells him what to say. It's horrible!! DH has come a long way with his kids. He's scared to lose them and she spends her life trying to make him look bad th his kids. She's despicable! 

ITB2012's picture

were being told by BM not to tell us what she's up to but that they were to report back to her about our stuff.

After a while it seemed more that the skids had learned by themselves to stay mum about the "other house" and anything going on there, with both DH and BM. ('Cause BM seemed to know less and less about things.) I think they did it as self-preservation since both parents were competing so hard to be the best parent and not supportive of each other as parents.

I get the frustration looking, too. My XH and I never had the same problems. Time with the other parent is sacred and finding out about something on that parent's weekend means informing that parent of the thing ONLY and letting that parent work it out.

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

He needs to tell her specifically that you need space and privacy and the boundaries need to be established with the kids, sorry dude, but it's not dad's day. Ask your mom. BM used to ask DH to watch her dog too. We finally said No more dog sitting for you.

Stepmom26745294's picture

We have tried. She laughs and says "I'm mother!! I can do as I wish. I am always looking out for the best interest of my children" 

she is batshit. We are not dealing with a reasonable person. 

ndc's picture

Is the SS that wants to dogsit on DH's time the same SS who won't walk the dog at your house?  That would be rich.

justmakingthebest's picture

I really think that there are BM's (the one I deal with is included in this statement) that are SO terrified that if the kids spend too much time with Dad they will no longer want to live with Mom. That time away means that the kid will love mom less and dad more. It is very sick and twisted logic but that is all I can come up with. 

ESMOD's picture

It IS sad.  I mean.. it hurts to watch your 20 yo YSD tear up because her mother blocks her phone number and unfriends her on socal media after telling the poor girl that "you must love your father MORE than ME..." just because the girl decided to tag along with us on a sunday road trip to go eat crabs in MD.

It's not an F'ing contest.  Just because a kid enjoys time with one parent.. doesn't mean they don't love the other.. sheesh.

Stepmom26745294's picture

That's horrible!! Yes, it's a competition to her. SS was walking with me out of his baseball game and she literally grabbed his backpack and pulled him back to walk with her. 
why are people so sick!?? 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

So much of this post sounds like my SD's BM. She doesn't do it as much (hovering over phone calls), but instead just lets SD make the decisions and then both BM and SD try to guilt DH into SD getting her way. This especially happens if it's DH's weekend and we have something planned that involves my family or friends. *eyeroll*

Good luck, OP. Doesn't sound like your DH is backing down, which is good. I try to encourage my DH to not back down, but he usually caves because he doesn't want to deal with BM. He doesn't seem to understand that by giving in, he's just giving her the power. Give an inch and she take a million miles!

Stepmom26745294's picture

He's not backing down and she's getting worse by the second. She's completely losing it. 

Stepmom26745294's picture

Omg he just checked the kids calendar and she has it loaded up with practices (where did that come from??) so she has practice on Sat morning, dog sitting Saturday afternoon and a birthday party Saturday night. SHE PUT IT ON THE CALENDAR ON HIS TIME! WTF? 
She is starting to load up Sunday as we speak! 
There is something wrong here mentally. This behavior is disturbing. 

Harry's picture

No matter how long it takes.  You have many years ahead of you..  Get everything in writing, down to the last periods and t crosses.  How every holiday works, How summer vacation works. How weeks and weekends work. What time visitation srarts what time it ends.   Who does the driving.

If you know your summer vacation is 9 AM the first Saturday in July to 9 PMthe last Sunday in July.  Then plans can be made. By both birth parents.  With out any dog sitting involved 

Stepmom26745294's picture

Everything is written down. She does not care. She steam rolls over everything then gets other people involved like friends and coaches to try and make dad seem like an asshole for not being able to do everything for everyone. It's too much!! She couldn't care less. She wants eggs she wants. 
We do all of this. Everything is clearly written but she finds ways around everything and makes it "im the best interest of the child" she looks like mother of the year and we look like the jerks having to say no to some of her unreasonable demands 

it maddening!! 

Rags's picture

DH needs to let the skids know that his time is his time and their mother cannot schedule activities during his time with them.  Perioid.  A birthday party can happen but dad needs to be the one to drop off and pick up so BM cannot interfere and manipulate his time.

Making sure the kids understand that BM is the one pulling shit is important.  Toxic assholes hate the facts. So DH needs to rub BM's and the kid's noses in BM's toxic manipulative bullshit.

IMHO of course.

Stepmom26745294's picture

Agreed!! We tell them all this but it's confusing for them because they are hearing one thing from us and another thing from mom. Bottom line is we just do not have enough time in one weekend for them to do everything. Period. She wants us to jam a weeks worth of activities of her choice onto a weekend and screw any plans we have. 
his son just called and said "I have a baseball practice and a basketball practice, am I going to those? DH knows she had him call to get information because he is ignoring her nonstop intruding questions. He said "we will talk about it when I pick you up" DH already made it clear to her that he agrees to one sport per season (SS picked wrestling) and one of extracurricular which is their guitar lessons. Now she's trying to once again add basketball and baseball. 

Rags's picture

It sounds that DH has his head on straight on these issues.   Enjoy the growing calm as he keeps BM boxed in and minimizes her interference in your marriage.  

tog redux's picture

So - you want a way to make BM stop this behavior and there isn't one. You can only control your reactions and responses to her behavior.

This is form of parental alienation and she's likely going to keep it up as long as she possibly can. All your DH can do is set limits and boundaries around his time with the kids, and try to get a more reasonable court order that doesn't require him to pay 100%. If BM has to help pay, she is unlikely to want to sign them up for everything under the moon.

She's not going to suddenly become reasonable and stop - DH has to find the courage to set limits and stop worrying about her badmouthing him (she's going to do that regardless of what he does - even if he goes along with her).

Stepmom26745294's picture

That's what we are starting to realize. She is going to bad mouth him no matter what. SS is sick. He has another cold! He has had a cold for 2-3 months now. Then he told a friend he would dog sit for him and they said they would drop off the dog at 10am. So swim practice was from 9-10. SS13 did not wake up, did not wake dad up and agreed to watch dog at 10am. Swim is 30 minutes away so after swim practice, changing and driving home he would have not got home until 10:45. So DH asks him to walk our dogs this morning and he says she diesbg feel good. Then 20 minutes later asks when they are going to swim practice. DH was like "what? You are too sick to walk our dogs, you committed them dog sitting at 10am.... why are you asking me when we are going to swim?? We are NOT going to swim" the. Youngest asks when they are going to basketball and DH has to say "son, your mom signed you up for that after I already told her I am only agreeing to one sport per season and you already said wrestling so do you want to do basketball instead??" He says no he wants to do wrestling then she tried to sign them up for baseball practice and once again we had to say no. Wtf if she doing!!?? He's not doing it anymore. The kids are both sick. They are resting today. She rather have them running all over town playing sports just so they don't spend time with us. She's batshit crazy this one!!! 

Thisisnotus's picture

This happens to my DH over and over. BM always makes plans for skids on his time, that or she finds a way to cut his time short with her plans.

BM went so far as to start going to church every Sunday just so she could pick up the kids from DH on Sunday mornings instead of Monday after school. Yes, like an idiot he has allowed it all to go on so I know longer feel bad for him. I also no longer blame BM....this is all my DH's fault for being to scared to say NO to BM and NO to skids. He is causing himslef to miss out on time with the the end of the day.

Petronella's picture

The church one is interesting. If the kids truly want to go to church, I'd be willing to take them on my/our Sunday. Hey at least it's free. I'd question the kids first to ascertain how serious this "conversion" really is. What's the name of the church. What denomination is it. What are they learning in Sunday school. Etc.