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BM is completely out of control

Stepmom26745294's picture

I can’t even write down all the craziness BM pulls. She’s the most controlling person I have ever met. She lies constantly and gives DH issues about everything. She even went as far as to tell us their son was suicidal because we were getting married. Ended up being a total lie. He went to the school and talked to the counselor (she told us it was the school counselor who told her) she never thought he would do that and just take her word for it. So he went and the counselor was mortified and said that was not true. She has tried to break us up, she said “I hope your wife doesn’t  think we are going to run off and have sex” when he goes to baseball gamrs without me. (That’s disgusting!)  No, the reason I’m not there is because I have my own kids. She was trying to make me look jealous. I am very secure with myself and with my husband! Never ever was a thought! She’s so nasty. she tells the kids lies about us. She told her son we wouldn’t come to his birthday party because I hate her. She didn’t invite us (which is fine) but don’t lie and say we aren’t there because I wouldn’t come or let DH come because I  “hate her” we never ever said that! She tells DH that he can’t drop his son off at 8pm after dinner and must have him home by 7:15 because he needs to be in bed yet she has him out almost every night until past 8pm playing baseball. (She’s completely obsessed with sports and the kids play sports around the clock, see my last post) she signs them up for everything then DH has to be the bad guy telling them no they don’t get to have every single thing they want in life. I mean I could go on and on! This is just a very few tiny things she’s done. She’s called my daughter fat, she told me her kids are on a different intellectual level then my  kids, she has thrown my front door open screaming at DH that she’s the kids mother and can take them anytime she wants (she’s not allowed on our propert anymore) he has said the kids don’t want to be around me (I have an amazing relationship with my stepkids! My oldest stepson ALWAYS prefers to come with me places. We hang out all the time. He loves me and has told me I’m the best stepmom in the world) so just more of her lies! She cheated on DH with their neighbor for 9 months and DH finally figured it out and she told him she did it because he’s “fat and disgusting” (he’s not! He’s a very attractive man) she’s still with the guy but according to him they have a casual relationship. I think she thought she was going to marry this guy and DH was going to just give her whatever she wants and she would have this amazing life with her new husband and her ex husband kissing her ass and things didn’t turn out like she thought and she’s pissed. 

Anyway, her latest is she signed SS up for two weeks of very expensive camp and expects DH to pay for it. He pays 100% of everything. Yes, he really screwed himself royally when they did the separation agreement when they spilt. This agreement is now a custody agreement when they divorced so there’s no court order. It weighs heavily in her favor. He was in a bad place and very depressed when they did it and he’s kicking himself now. Anyway it states that he pays 100% of agreed upon activities. He never agreed to two weeks. He never agreed to any of it but she expects payment. Ummm no  crazy lady! So what she does when she doesn’t get her own way is go to stepkids and says “I’m so sorry. I tried to get you into camp but dad said no he won’t support you. I’m sorry you have a father that doesn’t care” so then stepkids are upset with dad and there’s nothing we can do to stop this craziness unless we give in and let him go for two weeks and pay the 2K by taking out a loan or something?? I don’t know! Plus Father’s Day is right in the middle of the two weeks and sk is DH’s custody time but she doesn’t care. She tries to limit any time he gets with his kids but then turns around and says they want to spend time with him so he says great okay I want more time then sgecsays “no”! She’s a nightmare! I realize we have to go to court but that takes a lot of time and a lot of money and we are living a nightmare daily! What can we do where we don’t give into her but where stepkids are not upset with DH because he puts his foot down? She signs them up for things then he’s expected to be there and take them and pay for it and if he doesn’t? She is not above dragging the kids into it. She lies to them constantly about him! Thoughts?? 

 

Loki's picture

BM used to sign skids up for things......The last time she did it we received the usual email saying what we had to pay and when. My DH responded saying that as she had booked the trip without discussing/agreeing it with him first, he had contacted the school (he hadn't) to let them know of her mistake and had told the school that BM was liable for the entire cost of the trip.......

She has never pulled that stunt again!

tog redux's picture

DH can't keep jumping when she says to.

"Kids, I'm sorry, you won't be able to go to camp, Mom and I didn't agree on that and I can't afford to send you."  

Done. The more he plays her game, the worse she will get. Ignore her. 

hereiam's picture

He is going to have to put his foot down sooner or later and stop letting her run all over him. She is going to say whatever she wants to the kids, NO MATTER WHAT, that's what BMs like this do.

Siemprematahari's picture

He has to create strong, firm boundaries and stick to them NO MATTER WHAT. He also should talk to his children and tell them that he loves them very much and just because he doesn't make it to a game or can't/won't pay for something doesn't mean he doesn't love them. He has to maintain open communication with them, knowing that BM will do her best to sabotage it but he can't keep folding whenever she demands something.

She's already working to alienate them so he has his work cut out for him. He doesn't want his kids seeing him say how high, whenever their mother says jump. It's not the way it works and it's setting a poor example. He also needs a court order that works better for him and stick to it like nobodys business.

strugglingSM's picture

She sounds like the BM in my life, who is repeatedly telling SSs how much both DH and I hate her. She also told DH's family that when SSs are with us, I repeatedly tell them how much I hate her. The truth is, I do hate her, although in reality, hating her is not worth my time. I don't ever say that to SSs though. She is repeatedly texting DH saying, "why do you hate me?!" "why do you hate me?!" When DH asks about anything related to the kids she accuses him of just commenting because he hates her. For example, and these are exact quotes - DH: "I think it's important that we have a united front in telling SSs that we expect them to do their homework." BM: "You're only saying that because you hate me! She needs to realize that I'm an excellent mother!" The she in question is me, because clearly DH could not possibly care about SSs not doing homework on his own. 

DH has joint decision-making for activities in his CO. So, he would remind BM of that regularly when she would threaten to report him to child support enforcement for not paying for whatever activity she signed SSs up for that he did not agree to. She would also regularly say she was not obligated to pay for activities DH signed them up for (on his time, mind you, unlike BM who signed them up for things on DH's weekends), because she didn't agree to them. After their last mediation, they agreed that they would each pay for whatever they signed the kids up for, which works in BM's favor because now the kids are old enough that they can play on the school teams. 

In my case, BM is all about the money and she'll do anything to get more of DH's money, even though she makes 2.5X what DH makes and should be able to manage her finances based on that alone, but she can't because she's a compulsive gambler, just like her new fake husband (they had a wedding ceremony, but never legally married). 

Ispofacto's picture

Alienators alienate, it's what they do.  DH can't control BM.

He needs to set firm boundaries.  He can also teach the skids how to think.  Instead of telling them things, he should walk them through the logic.  Do their friends get everything they want?  No?  Why not?  Whey they grow up will their children get everything they want?  No?  Why not?  Would that mean that they don't love their kids?

Even so, BM will likely alienate them anyway, but a least the seeds will be planted.  They need to get the message that BM is not all-powerful, and that she is fallible.  They will respect DH more, and that is what kids need.

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is what I said to DH about SS. DH stood up to BM, he stood up to SS and SS was inevitably alienated. But at least, now that he's back, he knows DH is not a pushover, won't buy his love and wasn't afraid to stand up to BM, and that's worth something. 

Climbmountains91's picture

What a bloody nightmare, I am sorry you are going through this. My partners ex has used every trick in the book but recently we've been standing up to her and she don't like it but oh well. 

decofru's picture

I used to have BM problems but i dealt with her because my DH wouldn't do a thing, he would allow her to text him shit calling him cruel and telling him their chld is 100% his financial responsibility, she would demand things, come to our house anytime she felt like it and would call DH for no good reason and he would just allow it. I decided if he wasn't going to deal with the silly BM then i would, everytime she sent silly messages to DH i would be the one to respond and tell her off, i told her she is not SS's surrogate or step mom so she should stop acting like it and accept that she also has financial responsibility toward her only child whether she likes it or not, DH will not do everything for SS and he has another kid with me whom I am also helping raise financially so what in the world makes her think she shouldnt dip into her pocket for her own child? I told her to stop calling DH at odd hours and to only call when it's something important if not she can just send a text so we dont have to hear her ugly voice and i banned her from coming to our home, told her she is no longer welcome in my home because she would come unannounced at anytime of the day. Also told her to stop insulting my DH over the phone or else will get her arrested for it. Turns out she was being a problem because no one had ever stood up to her to end her nonsense, DH was allowing her nonsense that is why she carried on with it.

Climbmountains91's picture

Sounds like our BM until I told her straight and she's finally got the message. My partner let her control him for years who he could and couldn't meet when he had the kids, I told him this wasn't right, there your kids to as obv he has PR. So eventually took it to mediation where she finally got off her high horse. 

Stepmom26745294's picture

He completely told her where to go. She ignored him and keeps going.  She has no boundaries. She does not care what we say. We have told her over and over to stop. She won’t. She’s is narcissistic and thinks it’s well within her right to do whatever she wants. 

Goodluck's picture

OP--How old are dh's kids?

Is it possible that you and dh are far too exposed,  which in turn allows bm to reach you at anytime and in any place to fight? . Why is that?  How does she reach you. First stay away from her in public. HECK dh is not oblicated to talk to her...not legally and not morally.  If she comes towards you walk away. IF she calls let it go to vm, and for you op...block her number.

If I were you, FIRST things first... I would find a lawyer to review your current NONE order agreement. Is this current piece of paper even valid? Then find the holes in it and get a real order in place.

Remember never ever put yourselves in a position to defend your actions...lean IN and fire back. Oh and one more thing...there is never a 'high road' to take in high conflict garbage. So, if someones instructs you do take the high road...walk away.

You can also have a lawyer compose a word of warning to bm's lawyer that if she does not stop harassing dh and you TODAY , via text, voice messages and in all public settings, , that you are prepared to proceed with protection orders and all available remidees the court will allow.  IF bm doesn't have a lawyer YOUR lawyer can still send the cease letter to bm.

 

 

 

 

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

Thank you!! I appreciate you writing all this. This is exactly the help I’m looking for. Kids are 10 (in a few weeks) and 13. So, she’s onsessed with sports and puts them in several sports. DH has talked to doctors and therapist and they have all said it’s too much and not healthy for them. DH tells her it’s too much so she does it anyway. So, they have games/tournaments/meets/practices every day of the week and several on the weekends. The youngest played baseball for 6 hours straight back to back tournaments in 90 degree weather. He’s 9! So since she does whatever she wants to do, they have these games and DH goes. This is her way to control and her him away from our family and focused on her kids. When we started getting serious she have HUGE issue with him giving any attention to my kids. She wanted all his attention on theyrckids. Right after we got engaged the excessive sports started. They have always done them but one at a time. All of a sudden they are on multiple teams, constant games ect.. and if he doesn’t go she makes a note so she can say he shouldn’t get more time because he can’t make it to their games and she can so they should be wth her. She’s very very competitive and she wants her and her boys to have the attention. I’m not competitive at all so  her games do not bother me. She doesn’t do anything at games but if it’s DH’s weekend and he shows up tinthr oldesrs game with the youngest she brings a chair and his electronics and snacks and has him sit with her. Even if DH dies the same she will tell him to sit with her and DH doesn’t want to make a scene and put him in the middle so he goes and sits with mom. This is how she gets more control. He’s getting a handle on that though. 

The way she gets to him is either through texts or the children. She has no problem dragging them in, getting them involved and has even told youngest to choose who he wants to go with. The texts are awful. But, not in your typical way. She just has a way of questioning, inserting, herself and telling him what to do. He either gives one liners or ignored her. Then she will come back and say things that make him seem like he’s not cooperating. It’s a nightmare. I don’t even know how to explain it. 

She does not have my number and she won’t. I refuse to engage with her after her screaming at me in therapy when I said to the therapist “yeah travel baseball is pretty intense” she lost her mind screaming at me “oh you think you know more about baseball then meeeee!!??” She looked like a crazy person. I went because we had to talk to her about our engagement and about the kids and we won’t talk to her in person without someone present. That was the one and only time I have had contact with her. She’s not allowed on our property because she walked in our house screaming at DH in front of my daughter after he told her he didn’t need her to drop stepson off at practice. I would be taking him while he took other son. She threw our door open screaming that she’s their mother not me and she has a right to take them whenever she wants. We have an attorney and he said it’s going to be months upon months to get a court date. Plus, it’s a lot of time a lot of money and we need to prepare for that which we are getting there but it’s all about timing. The issue is the texts don’t look harassing. They look like she’s just trying to help out and be reasonable and it’s for the kids. We know what she’s doing but it’s hard to prove. It’s a complete nightmare I tell you!! 

Hope that answered all questions. Oh the agreement is a binding legal contract but all they could do is sue for breech. It’s nog a court order. We NEED a court order but we are looking at a very long wait for a court date according to the lawyer. 

Goodluck's picture

Would you believe OP that everything you wrote is NOT unheard of?

As crazy as it is,,,,this happens a lot with unstable x's. Its very scary.

Why did you decide to tell bm about your engagement. Your life, your bio kids,  your life with dh is not any of her business I would never do that again no matter what the reason. Grounds to tell her something might be a move out of state.  All matters can be done via your lawyer. Nothing else is any of her business.

You must put a cement wall around your home, your family, and your lives period.

Next let gooooooooooo of the holiday and Birthday power struggle. BM will fight you until your crying.

LET HER HAVE THEM. She can have Halloween, Thanksgiving... Christmas vacation, MLK holiday, Spring Break, Kids birthday, and yes even  Fathers day. What you and dh will do is secretly plan celetrations a week or so before OR after the HallMark Days.  Certainly the kids do come over to your house correct?

What ever you do DO NOT do not tell his ex about your plans. The kids will tell her when they go back to her house....Otherwise,  She will do what ever it takes to ruin it.

OP it is so freeing...when YOU control your home, your holidays on your terms. She may tell you YOU cant do that you have to take the kids on the day after Christmas, OR Black Friday OR  New Years...uhhh no you dont. SHE has all Holidays, and 1/2 of summer. that is the only thing I would not waver on. 1/2 of summer.

I realize there is a lot to think about.

Remember YOUR home, YOUR family and YOU LIVES. YOUR wonderful holidays, YOUR plans...YOUR RULES...not bm's.

GoodLuck....and hang in there...you can focus on this and protect yourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

We told her because she kept telling the kids we were not family, they are not allowed to call my kids stepsisters and honestly we just wanted to try to be civil and say “hey I love these kids, I’m not going anywhere, let’s work together” BIG mistake!! We learned a lesson after that. 

These are great suggestions. Only thing that I don’t know how to deal with is that I have kids too and the kids are all close so if we don’t have the boys on holidays, they are going to be very sad