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justmakingthebest's picture

DH is Navy and we will either retire if he doesn't make rank (24 yrs in)  or be moving in 3 years. Either way, I have no desire to stay in our current location.

My mom has been up my a$$ about buying a house. We had not bought a home yet because up until March this year we thought we would have orders out of here this year. Now that we are staying another 3, we could buy but really don't want to. We like our rental, it is in the perfect location- some of the best schools in the country, I have a .8 mile commute. I can see my kids middle school from my office window. It is the perfect size and I love our floor plan!

This weekend she was really pissing me off at dinner. She kept saying what a great investment it is- while I agree, it really isn't if we have to sell in 3 years and if we don't have intentions on coming back here, what is the point? Our rent is $400-600 less than most 4 bedroom houses in our area- rent or mortgage. The guy that owns it hasn't changed the rent in like 15 years. So it is a steal! We got super lucky when we got it. 

Well, when I explained to my mother for about the 30th time that we won't be coming back here after we move and if DH retires we will be moving to one of the like 5 locations in America where he can do his job in the military as a civilian, she got all stupid! She starting fussing that my kids will just stay here and live with her. I was like like F**K NO, MA! They will absolutely not be staying here. They will be moving with DH and I so just shut your face.

Things wound up getting really heated. I am so afraid that this is going to be a non stop topic now. My mom can play the guilt card like no one I have ever met. I moved away when I was 19 for 10 years while married to my ex. We have been back 8 years now and my kids are super close to my parents, but that doesn't change the fact that DH and I will be preparing for all but SS19 to be in High School as we move from here and then hopefully launching! We need to prepare for our lives post raising kids. My parents aren't going to be alone, my sister and brother are both local. My sister is planning are starting a family soon, so she will still be able to be grandma to kids locally.

I don't know, I am just rambling and frustrated with my mother. I wish she was more like my MIL sometimes. MIL is the most supportive person, she never interferes with parenting, she just gets it I guess.


Siemprematahari's picture

Seems like you're going to have to clearly state and create boundaries when it comes to your mother because she lacks the awareness of respecting your decisions. To me it doesn't make sense to get a house if you're going to be moving in 3 years. I don't think it's worth investing the time when you can invest it and save for when you move. If you do, it will just be one more thing you have to take care of before leaving. I think this goes deeper for your mom and she's thinking of herself and having the grand kids with her and if you move that won't be possible like it is now. A conversation with her explaining how you feel and your boundaries should help.

ESMOD's picture

"Mom, I love you, but you need to respect our right to make important decisions about our own lives.  Right now, buying a home is not the right move logistically, or financially for our family.  Whether we stay here or move in the next few years.. that will be a bridge crossed at that time.  I am not interested in spending any more time and effort fighting with you about this and expect you to drop the subject.. I will not discuss it with you any further."

Then,.. dont' engage.  It's hard t not drop bacy into those dynamics.. but each and every time she tries to bring it up.. simply change the subject.  If she persists... remind her that this is not up for discussion.. if she persists further.. just gather your things and leave.. or if she is at your home.. leave the room.. or go get in your car and go for a drive.  

Eventually she will learn that you won't engage on the subject and will hopefully stop trying.

advice.only2's picture

Arguing with your mother is always difficult. They are right after at least they believe they are. It's probably more a fear of the children growing up and her losing that close bond, as well as the bond she has with you. Change is scary the older your parents get.

justmakingthebest's picture

Thanks Ladies. 

I know it was hard for her when I moved away the first time and when I had kids 3,000 miles from her it shattered what she thought being a grandma would be like. Then doing it again, I am sure that it does hurt her. 

I just got so mad that she would even suggest that I leave my children behind! 

I need to work on how I am addressing this topic with her though and talk to her about boundaries and do so in a way that we can stop talking about it because at the end of the day, I have to make the right choices for my family that I have made not her.