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SD invited DH and my kids but not me

Sash567's picture

A little background: SD is 21 years old, she hasn’t been active in our lives. In fact the last time we saw her was New Year’s Eve and that was just for a few hours because she thought she could be slick and try to squeeze $$$ out of my DH, when she saw that wasn’t happening she called her mom with a quickness to pick her up haha. Me and her have no relationship, we basically act fake friendly with each other. She has never came at me wrong and I’ve always been cordial and kind. Deep down inside I’m not her biggest fan because I see right through her, she lies a lot, tries to manipulate DH for money. Whenever she would stay the rare weekend with us in her teens it would always come with a purpose aka money and once she got the money she would leave. She always guilts DH about not being there when she was younger and throws it in his face a lot. Anyhow we caught her in some big lies around her senior year in high school and DH finally saw the light! Their only communication now is a random text msg here and there.

My reason for posting is that I saw their text msgs from 2 days ago and she asked him “whenever he’s not busy if he and the kids (our 2 kids together ages 8 & 6) can hang out sometime.” I immediately noticed my name was missing, I felt some type of way like what did I do to her? I mean honestly I would prefer not to go because she makes me feel uncomfortable and gives off weird vibes. Should I care that I’m not invited or just leave them be? Even though I’m positive this is just another plot to get money from him, and she’s using the excuse of hanging with the kids as a strategy to get him to say yes. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Me and her have no relationship, we basically act fake friendly with each other. She has never came at me wrong and I’ve always been cordial and kind. Deep down inside I’m not her biggest fan because I see right through her,

You feel away because she didn't include you to hang out sometime? You admitted above that you both have no relationship and pretty much act fake "friendly" towards each other so why would you want to be a part of their hanging out time? She could genuinely want to spend time with her father and siblings OR she could just be using that as an excuse but either way how does that impact you? If your H gives her money is it from his pocket or yours?

Try not to let these things get under your skin. You already know where you stand with her so why even expect to be included in anything that pertains to her? Take that time and book yourself a spa and take some "me" time. SD is his issue, not yours and not worth the mental space that she's taking up in your mind. Treat yourself and do you.

Sash567's picture

The money is joint but yeah you’re right. Thanks for your perspective, I needed to hear that.

hereiam's picture

This would not bother me, especially if we had no relationship and I did not want to hang out with her, either.

Where it becomes a problem is excluding you from events, that you, your husband, and kids, would normally attend as a family, like a wedding.

Do you think your DH will fall for a manipulation for money? That would concern me.


Sash567's picture

I think he would fall for the money, in the past he’s slipped up and told me that he dropped off money to her long after the fact. But I see what you all are saying. I’m just going to leave them be and sit this one out.

Rags's picture

The balls of this adult SD to specifically ask for you to be excluded while she takes your DH and your kids are monumental.

Think this through.  DH is YOUR husband, your kids are YOUR kids.  You and only you are the common denominator here since as a wife you trump any and all children in any situation.  Then... you are also the mother of YOUR children.  SD is neither.  Yes, she is your DH's daughter, great I get that.  She is also the elder sister of your own children. I get that too.  However, she is not a member of the family because she chooses to not be a member of the family... in it's entirety.

Here is the deal.  If SD is allowed to and then supported in this kind of crap nothing will ever change or improve.  If she has to interface with the FAMILY and that is her only option other than infrequent though periodic 1:1 time with her daddy then she is the one making that choice. Either the choice to spend time with the family or... not spend time with the family.

Of course the risk is that she will not interface with the family and in that case.... so what?  The family does not need this kind of manipulative entitled crap being targeted by an "adult".

Nope, she wants family time she should have family time. With the entire family. Whether she recognizes or likes it... you are family.  Her father's wife, her younger siblings mother.

You should not tolerate exclusion. PERIOD!  

Next will be daddy and little sib time with her mom's side of the family.  If you never break this seal, it won't leak.

Engagement is the only thing that will build a relationship with this woman.

She lies and tries to manipulate your DH for money.  And she knows that you have her number on this.  She can only do that successfully if you turn your back.  You know her, you know that this is far more likely than not just another ploy to needle at daddy's heart/purse strings.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  Particularly in these types.

Playing sweet playful big sis with his little ones is the most powerful and direct access to daddy's wallet.

Never forget, keep your friends close and enemies closer.  In this case it may just move her into the friend if not family column. 

sandye21's picture

"She lies and tries to manipulate your DH for money.  And she knows that you have her number on this.  She can only do that successfully if you turn your back."  If you are paying for a dime of your money to go to this manipulative a$$ stop it now.  Your DH must demonstrate to SD that you are a package - ALL of you, and that his marriage is his top priority.  Go along on the 'date' and let her know by the smile on your face that you are on to her and you are a power to be reckoned with.

shamds's picture

Messaged dad from university saying this weekend he is free if hubby wants to arrange an outing with his sisters meaning his full sisters. Not my son and daughter who were 1.5 & 2.5 years old at the time. Hubby wanted us to go and i told him to read his sons message again, he does not recognise his own half siblings as siblings so why the heck would they go??

hubby went to the meet alone (this was the 2nd meet alone), it hit hubby that dad his 3 kids pretending it was amazing family time like they are 1 big happy family that me and my kids do not exist and it hurt hubby alot that day because we are his family too but hubby refuses even now to step up, man up and address this shit with skids because exwife has manipulated and alienated the kids so bad that he risks losing them for good. 

There isn’t much of a relationship for him to fight for anyways.

MissTexas's picture

She's trying to appeal to DH to be with "all of his kids" even her. Of course this will melt dadddeee's heart and he will jump all over it, if he's like most men we read about here. These girls are master manipulators when it comes to getting what they want, and it doesn't matter who they use as pawns.

She knows it is hurtful to be excluded (even if you have no desire to mingle with her), and she knows exactly what she's doing.

You must put a stop to this trainwreck in the making.

Sash567's picture

I guess I should’ve mentioned that the reason I suspect it’s another plot is because our last encounter with her on New Year’s Eve was similar. She sent a whole essay via text about how she wants to be a better sibling to our kids, etc etc and so he fell for it and picked her up thinking she would spend NYE with us. Turns out she was hinting about money for a plane ticket to go on a trip with her friends. When she saw that wasn’t going to happen, she bailed and we haven’t seen her since. The whole “better sibling” speech was BS. I feel in my gut this “hangout” has a motive too. It always does unfortunately..

hereiam's picture

Your DH should take the kids to hang with her, make her spend time with them at a park or Chuck e Cheese, or whatever, and not give her a dime!

MissTexas's picture

They know the gig is up, and they know you'll tell DH as much.

She's all about what's in it for her. All the more reason to kick her to the curb, and try to get DH on board too.

This will be a never ending wedge in your marriage if you don't.

piegirl's picture

I would tell DH that he can go, it's his daughter. As your minor childrens parent though - you can protect them from this BS. If you are right and there is an alterior motive to get daddies money, it would seem your kids are just pawns in her little game. Protect the kids - let DH go and deal with her himself. Unless she wants to connect with the ENTIRE family including you!

Steptalker2's picture

She sounds manipulative. DH should reply, if my wife is not invited then we won’t be able to join you. She doesn’t want you there because you see through her bs. 

Kes's picture

I would not worry about occasional meet ups between your DH, kids and SD.  But it indeed sounds like the usual manipulations in order to touch your DH for some cash.   It sounds as if he realises this, most probably. 

Mountains's picture

DH’s DD (60) did the same thing except it was just to visit with him so they could share memories of her departed mom.  But, what really happened was requests for money for home upgrades, car payments, etc.  she used the memory of her mom to guilt DH.  Once he figured it out, poof she did not have time for him. 

Harry's picture

your DH should not be going along with this disrespect.  You are a family with you included. At all times and places. 

marblefawn's picture

If he used to say "yes" to SD all the time and now he doesn't, SD realizes you are why he is no longer compliant. She thought she might manipulate both of you, but now she realizes she needs to isolate him from you to get around you. So now she's cutting you out altogether so she can totally snow him into believing she's sweet, loving and worthy of his attention -- and that YOU were the reason she's been distant from him until now.

It's subtle, but it works. And it works because without you there at these family events, all will go smoothly. They will have fantastic times without you! Just like the old days!

As time goes on, though, you'll become resentful and you'll start speaking up. That just makes it worse, though, because SD NEVER hassles him. Now you hassle him all the time -- about SD.

Do you see the setup?

You can't win. I used to think stepmothers could if they played their cards right and the planets aligned. I used to think disengagement works. It doesn't. You will spend your life trying to outgame them. It's exhausting if you aren't the one driving the conflict. These skids wear you out and wait you out until you just take your shit and walk away.

Dovina's picture

Well said and insightful, all of it!

bedazzled's picture

Marblefawn you summed it all up in a paragraph. If only DH could understand this. Most couselors don't even understand this. 

This should be handed to anyone even thinking of getting involed with someone with kids. If you are BOTH not a team in your marriage, standing together, you don't have a chance. Once they are allowed to come between you and seperate you, its over. 



CLove's picture

And if you have joint finances, all the more reason to care.

I agree with Marble. Your gut is telling you she is using DH as ATM Dadeee. And the best way to work him is without you there.

shellpell's picture

I wouldn’t let ss11 invite dh and my kids alone in the future. I don’t trust him. Be the ATMblocker.