5 stepkids, losing my mind.
Hi. I'm new here, and don't even know where to start. I'm losing my mind. Sorry if this post ends up long, but I need to vent, and figure out how to change my situation (or myself) so that I can not end up divorced. And I need to figure out how to write all of this without feeling like a piece of shit.
I fell in love with my DH 17 years ago when he had one child with his ex. Back then we were both partiers and made stupid decisions, etc. Anyway, he somehow ended up getting his ex pregnant again. So, he left me and went back to her. 6 months later, we tried again, and again he went back to her. I wised up and moved on, no further contact for 13 years.
When we finally reconnected, he now has 5 kids with this woman but they are getting divorced, and we still have a deep love for each other. I've never tried so hard not to love someone, but in the end I couldn't live without him. We have worked through almost all of our issues caused by our past, and I know that he would do anything for me if I asked. Everything is perfect when the kids aren't around, and anyway, I will learn to love his kids (we thought). Fast forward about 3 years and we have been married now for a year. His two oldest boys (17 and 22) live with us, and there is a possibility of the youngest two (SS10 and SD13) coming to live with us pretty soon as well. Add to this that any child who chooses to live with us is immediately disowned by their BM, who is the worst kind of person I've ever met. Like I actually liked her in the beginning, but after seeing what she has done to all of her children (not to mention my DH), I have to admit that she should not be allowed anywhere near these kids. So, it's best for the kids to be with us for a LOT of reasons, and we are fighting to make that happen.
Meanwhile, I hate them. I mean, not them, they are good people. I just hate having to live with them. I cannot think of one single thing I like about having them in the same home as me. I live in my bedroom with the door closed, which usually just means that everyone hangs out in my bedroom, and if I leave and go somewhere else, they follow me. And my husband resents how much time I spend in my room, but I don't want to hurt these kids further by having them see how much I hate having to breath the same air as them. They've already been rejected by one mother figure, and now by me as well.
Last year, we only had one kid here and he was in school full time. That was okay, I started to feel comfortable with the routine of only having to deal with him at suppertime, and then only locked in my room in the evenings. But this year he is only in school 3 hours per day, and suddenly he's Mr Popular, so he rarely comes home alone either. And at 17 he just gets mad and acts like a jerk anytime we disagree with him on anything. And this year the 22 year old has moved back home too, and he just doesn't think he should have to have rules, or work. I get about as much respect from him as a roommate. Like I get that I'm the new guy in the family, but this is literally MY house, and he lives in it! And if the younger two end up here also... the 13 year old girl is severely messed up, and the 10 year old boy is ok, but extremely spoiled, as well as acts like a 4 year old, including does not know how to use utensils, so he still eats with his hands, and still cannot read. If by some miracle we end up with the 15 year old boy as well, we will have to get fire insurance on the house. He is violent and vile.
If it continues to be only the two oldest living here, well, it's only a couple more years before I might have some kind of life that is at least occasionally about me and maybe even sometimes goes according to plan. I'm not sure how my marriage will survive being in a holding pattern until these two leave the nest, but I have faith that it can. But if we end up with the younger children, I sincerely think I might have to leave. I love my husband, and he is a reasonably wonderful (if guilty) father, but I cannot stand the constant neediness, disrespect of the home and everything in it, messiness, complaining, entitlement, and NOISE of children. I just don't understand where the payoff is for these creatures, other than knowing you've passed on your genes, which I clearly did not.
To add a little information about myself, I previously lived alone, and I was never one to play music or leave the TV on, I LOVE silence. I am an extreme introvert as well, I LOVE being alone. I was raised by very strict parents, and was expected to be fully independent by 18, a huge difference from these kids. I also have some health issues that make it hard for me to bounce back once I get exhausted, and I think I've been exhausted for pretty well our entire year of marriage. But I do love this man and don't want to lose him, I just cannot seem to figure out how not to hate living with his kids. And I honestly think that it's getting worse, instead of better. I survived the whole summer just holding out for september when things would go back to routine like last year, and then they did not, and I'm feeling hopeless.
Is there any hope for us?