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Dh moody when sd is here

Lizzylemon's picture

Hi, I’m new to this site. So glad I found it though! The advice on here is amazing! I married my dh earlier this year and sd9 lives with us 4 nights per week. We’ve moved 1 hour away but the court still has her going to her old school (in a custody battle for a move away currently). So for now I take her to her old school 3 days per week. I’m a sahw and pregnant with our fist child so it just impacts my morning routine, but not too big of a deal. One of those nights dh has her stay with his parents to give me a break. He realizes he’s asking a lot of me and is very appreciative. I do let him know the second I am not appreciated is the second he will have to make other arrangements for her drop offs. I refuse to be taken advantage of but will help out as long as he shows me and tells me he is appreciative daily. Anyways, I have noticed that he is in a bad mood when she’s around. When we first got married apparently he expected me to take over the parenting that dh parents were doing (dh works a lot) and was upset that I refused to parent her because I run more of a military household and he does free range parenting. I let him know that it would not work for me to parent her. After he looked on the internet to fact check me he agreed. However, he seems bitter that he has to parent at all, as in just doing the basics like telling her to take a shower, brush her teeth, go to bed, etc. Before we married he had to live with his parents so they could take care of the kid since he worked a lot.  Bm is in and out of rehab so no help there. She usually pawns the kid off on her family most of her days. So this is the first time he’s had to do any parenting. He says he just doesn’t want to deal with this because he’s been working all day and is tired. I’ve created a schedule of events for sd9 that happens when she is here to alleviate some of the drain on dh so it has helped that she’s had a routine, but he’s still just generally crabby when she’s here. I also have him trained to dictate her schedule to her so I just sit back and pretend like he came up with all this. As soon as she leaves for the second half of the week he’s his regular awesome self again. Is this normal for a parent to be upset they have to do the basic parenting? It seems like it’s just a little much for him. It’s to the point where he thinks That we need couples therapy because we shouldn’t have any disagreements but I tell him disagreements early on is normal and we just need to work though and find our happy place. Background: I was a single lady with a career and owned my own home before I met dh last year so we are still getting to know each other. He went after me quickly and I’m happy I married my best friend. Just trying to work though a new marriage with a skid. Thanks for your advice! 

hereiam's picture

I met dh last year so we are still getting to know each other. He went after me quickly

So that you could parent to his kid, so he wouldn't have to.

SteppedOut's picture

DING DING DING

But now you are not doing it...so, does he thing a therapist is going to smack you on the hand and tell you to parent his child so he doesn't have to? 

Lizzylemon's picture

He was telling me last night to at least act like a friend to sd, but I told him I am nice to her but it’s difficult to have a conversation with a phone zombie. Sd sloths around on her phone the whole time she’s here. I’m not sure what therapy would do. Dh and I just talk amoungst ourselves when sd is here mostly. She’s not a bright girl, can’t read, barely eats, feral child who is just not an interesting person to talk to. She is very even tempered and likes me a lot so that is good. 

ESMOD's picture

sigh.. yes.  He thinks raising a child is women's work.  He doesn't have any interest in it.. and wish you would just get on with being the mommy.  Now you are pregnant.. so that falls right into his plan to have you be SAHM.. to both the kids while he goes about his life.

It's unfortunate that he decided to move before things were properly sorted out.  It's his own fault that this drive to school is happening.. unfortunately, you are the one bearing the brunt of his bad parenting and bad decisions. 

 

MurphysLaw's picture

“He went after me quickly”

That’s nice.

He may find someone else “quickly” to replace you, since you’re not stepping up to parent his kid.

Rags's picture

You are nailing this and getting it exactly right.  Set the boundaries for both DH and SD early, inforce those boundaries and stay firm.  DH will either learn the ropes, or he won't.  If he does things will smooth out. If he doesn't, there will still be a structured process in place for getting him to parent and that also maintains your established position as equity life partners and equity parents to any kids in your home regardless of kid biology.  Never lose sight of the key success factor of blended family marriages.  The marriage and partners must always be each other's top priority. Nothing takes priority over each other and the marriage including kids, Xs, extended family, etc...   Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never trump the marriage and the partners in it.

On a lighter note, I was rereading your original post and winced a little bit on your background of giving up your home and taking on a blended family marriage not long after meeting DH.  Then I laughed.  My bride of 25+ years and I married 8.5 months after we met (SS-27 was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo). So, I had to ground my reaction to your background to my own which significantly changed my intended comment on your entry into your stepfamily life so early in the relationship with your DH.  Lol.  Good luck to you, DH and SD as you navigate the blended family adventure.  I forecast much success for your family.  Your confident structure and immediate implementation of boundaries are a huge positive for you.

Congratulations on being one of the only people I have ever heard of who entered into blended family life with structure and a plan for establishing the foundations of a successful blended family experience for everyone in their part of the blended family mix.  

Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Good luck and take care of  you.

Lizzylemon's picture

Thank you so much rags! I appreciate your guidance and kind words. The reason I married so quickly by the way is that I had my career first and it was time to start a family before I aged out of fertility. Otherwise I would have stayed single. At my age 35, all the men either are dicorced or single with no children but self centered themselves, so the pool of elegibles is not as great as when I was young. So, it looks like I just keep up with my house rules and keep forcing him to parent by having him implement said rules and he will eventually learn the ropes. I can do that. I’m adding that I need to try not to offend him by pointing out his lack of parenting skills, just implement more rules when something comes up. 

Rags's picture

I think that you have this nailed.  Of course enforcing the structure and standards of parenting and behavior is the difficult part.

Stay the course and maintain the priority of the marriage over everything else and you should have a great marriage and blended family life.

Congratulations on the baby.

Lizzylemon's picture

Will do! We had conversations before we got married about always putting the marriage first and he has continued to deliver on that, so I am pleased with that aspect. The confidence in my delivery to dh that you noticed also comes from the fact that dh knows I do not put up with any shenanagins and take my role as a sahw as seriously as I took my career. Thanks for the congrats on the baby! Much appreciated!

Lifer33's picture

My other half was same, wanted me to parent his then 5 year old from the get go, when yes silly I know, I was already third tri n struggling with pregnancy. I made it clear wasn't happening n he tried every line in the book including 'you hate my son' we got through it but he still whinges about something practically everyday, he thinks it's his right to be lazy after a hard day's work, my answer was 'you shouldn't have bred then kiddo' 

Winterglow's picture

Makes you wonder how they think single, working mothers manage to do it all, doesn't it?

a88ie's picture

hahaha exactly that. The skid drains my partner the 6 hours a week he is here on a sunday, and i wont lift a finger and deep down i admit i do think thats your fault when i creep off for a nap in the afternoon. lol

Once and i know this is mean but i am not a breeder and dont have sympathy pre loaded into me for parents. My Husband was ranting away about being shit in general in a arguement, and said im a shit dad blah blah blah, and i said so what? you pay your child support you see it once a week now quit bringing your issues into this arguement lol. Then the one time he mentioned his kid and i just said i dont care and shut it down immediately.  He knows now not to derail an arguement with the skid or ill just shut him down with thats your issue lol. Men.

Missingme's picture

Imo, poor dads.  Their behavior is offensive to read about and to the child who needs a dad who wants them.  Not sure I even like your new husband.  Maybe he'll also be inconvenienced by a shared child?  I wouldn't have one and take that chance.  Hope he's enlightened soon.  

a88ie's picture

Yea its his kid and if he didnt want it then time to accept that not try to find a woman to clean up after his mistake.