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More red flags than a bullfighting festival

Gimlet's picture

I met an acquaintance/friend for lunch the other day.  Long story short, she was married to a real loser, she's recovering slowly, and she has 2 young girls.  She is a well-educated professional.

She is dating someone.  As she was telling me about him, I became more and more horrified.  Here we go:

1. He is 10 years older than she is (no big deal).

2. He has adult kids who are about 10 years younger than she is (uh oh).

3. Bio mom is not in the picture and his second wife (SM) raised them.  She left him and they completed the divorce this summer (bigger uh oh)

4. Each SD is an addict in different stages of recovery.  (Danger Will Robinson!)

5. Both SDs have lost custody of previous kids and they both just had another baby. (Houston, we have a problem)

6. And the kicker....this guy has custody of one SD's 4 year old and depends on ex wife(previous SM who just left) to help care for her (we've reached DEFCON 1!) 

I finally looked at her and said "Girl you just got out of a bad situation.  You have two young children that do not need to be around this crap.  Being a SM on a good day sucks and you are signing up for a life of misery if you decide to get serious with this guy" as well as some other things.  She didn't look happy but damn, no way could I tell her that sounded like a good plan.

I hope she listened.  It's the kind of story I would doubt if I saw it posted. 


hereiam's picture

Geez, I would have hoped that she could see the red flags herself, but....

I mean, it's usually not a good sign when a grandparent has custody of their grandchild.

Dysfunction at it's finest.

I hope you have given her something to think about.

SteppedOut's picture

Good Lord, right?

OP, perhaps consider taking up more of your dear friend's time to keep her from spending it with this nightmare waiting to happen.

Gimlet's picture

We're not really close.  She reached out after her divorce and we've met for a meal twice.  I said as much as I thought I could, if she was a close friend I would try to get in her ear more.  I don't think she's listening, though.

Gimlet's picture

I asked her that.  I think her self esteem is so battered from her ex that because this guy is nice to her and doesn't try to control her, she's happy.

Her ex is a real piece of work.  Long story there but I think she should spend more time working on her before she dates. 

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like she needs a good ol slap with the "you can't fix him" stick!

Seriously thought maybe I have been married way to long, but I always figured if anything happened after this one I was done!

Harry's picture

How people can leave one bad relationship, and find a new one equally bad or even worst then the last one.  Has to be bad wireing in these people.  You you think, they would see the red flags , faster then the non bad relationship people. 

Aniki's picture

Holy fiery trainwreck, Batman!

Gimmy, I am SOOOOOOOO glad you were upfront with your friend. Fingers crossed that she heeds your sage advice!

CLove's picture

She is in that vulnerable healing phase. She should not be dating until she has healed more, I think.

I was in a vulnerable place when I met DH, and then extremely vulnerable when we started our relationship. Things would have gone much differently had I been whole and strong in my life and self.

Tell your friend that she needs to take it slower in the world of dating and definitely be a friend to the dude, but perhaps explain gently (or not) the red flags that you are seeing and what they signify. Perhaps if she sees the layout, she wont buy the map.

There are many dudes out there...she needs a good step daddy for kiddos! JK! Totallly. Lol.

thinkthrice's picture

This weekend they will be picking out a tiara for his grandskid...

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I mean, I see nothing wrong here... Maybe I should be leaving DH and compete with your friend for the title of wifey number 3.  Sounds like a PERFECT situation to be in...


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Well I mean, why do you think most of us are married to people with kids? The end goal is raising the grandchild.  We're just planning ahead!

Aniki's picture

Shove over, PA! You're not old enough to be a step-granny. But I am! Don't make me hurt you... LMAO!

Aniki's picture

I'm actually enjoying it! However, I raised my 3 former skids - who have no contact with their bioparents - so their kids consider me to be "grandma".