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If I hate the way that she is now...

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

...does that mean that I’m going to hate the way that she is as a teenager?

SD will be 10 next year and she clearly exhibits so many traits of her BM (who she is rarely ever around). She is disloyal, fake, robotic-like in the way that she responds to things (says what people want to hear), dramatic, self absorbed, dishonest, an airhead, super gross (can’t even pee without getting piss on the seat or the floor), constantly seeks attention, obnoxiously loud, always tries so hard to be “cute,” and the list goes on...

Is it even possible for her to grow out of all of those qualities? I feel like it’s only going to get worse. If we didn’t have her full time, I’d be able to deal with it so much better than I do now. But the fact is, her father has primary custody and her BM lives out of state and only gets her 42 days (or less) per year.

I’m confident in saying that either a) she will get into her teens and I will kick her out of my house or b) she will hate rules and want to live with her skank BM once she starts being a rebellious teenager or c) her daddy and I can split up and go our separate ways in the near future.

I wonder which one it’s going to be...


STaround's picture

These issues are on him.  Blaming them on the ex is just silly.   Many kids will be sefl absorbed, but he should be able to each her basic hygene and housekeeping.  

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

My DH and I both have the kid full time. We also both have my children full time. My kids act NOTHING AT ALL like her. I have been around her BM enough to know that SD is growing up to be exactly like her. Blame “parenting” all you want, but I know how my own children are and I know the reality of it. It’s in SD’s GENES. The apple doesn’t fall far from the skanky tree.

Iamwoman's picture

Genetics play a bigger role in who we are than most people care to think. When the research proves it, I would say than most people care to admit.

We like to think that we control over ourselves, but can we all really explain away every single thing we think or do? I am genetically, a worrier. I’ve tried to stop prepping, preparing for all possible scenarios, or whatever you want to call it, but it’s there. This could possibly be a result of thousands of years of “survival of the fittest” in some of the coldest climates on Earth. Neanderthals are known to be responsible for the depression gene - possibly a spin off survival gene that allowed one to sleep through most of what would have been a very long winter.

Parenting definitely plays into many areas, but is vastly outweighed by genetics. Many women who have chosen to keep their rape babies and raise them lovingly, are faced later on with a psychotic adult child who (if male) will often become a rapist as well.

OP, here is what I am wondering: Hiw in the world does a female wind up peeing on the toilet seat and the floor?? We sit to pee, which automatically routes the urine stream into the bowl... methinks SD is doing this one on purpose.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

That was really interesting to read! Thank you! I agree that genetics play a huge role in who we are. Seeing who SD is growing up to be has made that a complete fact!

As for the pee, I believe that she sits right on the edge of the toilet OR stands up before wiping and gets little drops on the toilet seat and floor. She has done this forever, but now that she is damn near my height, I’m like, “Enough is enough!!!” I have a friend who is about the same height as her and I know she doesn’t pee on the toilet seat every day. SMH. SD thinks it’s funny. She truly just doesn’t care. Being gross doesn’t bother her at all (another thank you to the BM for that one).


Jcksjj's picture

I think when theres mental health issues genetics oftentimes override parenting. It's not any different than other health issues where sometimes you can prevent them with lifestyle choices and sometimes you can do everything in your power and still develop cancer or diabetes. 

And you can change someone's behavior to an extent sometimes but you cant change their core personality. Also, kids arent just little robots, they do have free will and personalities of their own and you cant actually force them to do anything without being abusive. They can be given consequences, but there are times when they will choose to deal with consequences instead of doing what you want.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I agree! I truly believe that SD is going to grow up to be a full on narcissist, which is a mental issue, right? BOTH of her biological grandmothers are clinically diagnosed as bi-polar.

I totally agree with what you said about not being able to FORCE a child to act a certain way without being abusive. I said in another comment that you can’t beat the stupid out of someone. I feel like SD usually doesn’t mind her punishments at all. They just don’t seem to bother her the way that my children’s punishments bother them.

Jcksjj's picture

Theres a Ted Talk on YouTube by Luna Centifanti you should watch about sociopathic traits in children that addresses what you said about her not responding to punishments. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I think there is always hope that it won't always be that way but is your H disciplining her, modeling positive behavior, holding her accountable for what she does and being consistent? It's tough but he can turn things around. Like every time she pisses on the toilet seat (which as a female I don't see how) does he go in there make her clean it and talk to her about it?

He has to be in her @ss about everything in an effective manner so you both can see results. He can't just sit on the side lines and wish for a miracle. Has she been scheduled to speak to a professional about her feelings and the living arrangements that she has now?

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

This has been her living arrangement her whole life. BM was only around for the first year or so.

Her father doesn’t take any of her downfalls seriously. He thinks she will grow out of everything, or it’s just a phase, or I’m being too hard on her, or “she said she didn’t do it,” or “I don’t want her to feel picked on.” He occasionally gets on her for some things, but it’s usually only because I’m pissed off about it. Not him.

Siemprematahari's picture

Her father doesn’t take any of her downfalls seriously. He thinks she will grow out of everything, or it’s just a phase, or I’m being too hard on her, or “she said she didn’t do it,” or “I don’t want her to feel picked on.” He occasionally gets on her for some things, but it’s usually only because I’m pissed off about it. Not him.

Honey if this is the case you are in for a life of misery with this set up. The whole mentality of she will grow out of it and the being too hard are ALL excuses for poor behavior. I feel for you, if you will be around to be a part of witnessing this f@ckery that will only increase the older she gets.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I’m totally aware of that... and it’s unfortunate. But that’s why I said that one of those (a, b or c in my initial post) are what it’s going to come to. I just wish I knew which one.

ndc's picture

Sounds to me like your DH's reaction to his daughter and her behavior and excuses are different from the way you react to your kids.  So perhaps they're not being raised and parented exactly the same after all.  That would explain a lot.

hereiam's picture

Well, I always thought that my SD (now, 28) was more like my DH and that she would grow up being a good person, like he is. DH just knew that she was going to end up being more like BM.

Sure, SD lived with BM the majority of the time, but she was a good kid, with a good disposition, and I really did not believe that she would take after BM. I just knew that her personality was more DH-like.

She's just like her BM. Manipulative, she lies, she's selfish, doesn't want to work. So sad and not who I thought she would be.

You just never know.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Very true! You just never know.

But at least your DH wasn’t in denial about it. Mine is hardcore in denial. It’s sooo pathetic to watch.

hereiam's picture

That's too bad because as long as he's in denial, he won't do anything to correct her behavior.

Yes, my DH saw the writing on the wall and had a sixth sense about this.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

That’s good!

Her father is an idiot.

CLove's picture

I grew up and was taught that we are equal parts nature and nurture. That is, genetics and upbringing.

Now, from just living life and experiencing stephood and steptalk, it seems like we are more of a "genetic roulette wheel" with given traits on the wheel of who we are and who knows where the ball will stop when we are made and born. However, I also believe that we are comprised of our life experiences resulting from life choices and that "x" factor, or "spirit".

Some say that we are a vessel of our mother's flaws, and they are passed down until resolved.

But, whatever you believe to be the truth, my SD20 (feral forger) is JUST like her mother in personality, but looks JUST like her father. However her father made many mistakes in his youth and she is repeating them. SD13 (Munchkin) is just like her father in personality (the guy I married) and looks like her mother. Same teeth/jaw patters, etc. Just different eyes because dad is asian and mother is not.

Im starting to look for qualities that belong to her mother. speech patterns, etc, because we are 50/50, so there is no doubt that she is picking up things. She does HOWEVER, copy me and my speech patterns when around Such as using complete sentences and correct I think I have influenced her somewhat. We like to do the same things and go places together and her mother does nothing with her and goes nowhere with her.

Just my 2.0 cents Biggrin

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Thanks for sharing! Your SD13 sounds tolerable. My SD is everything I would never want in a biological child (aside from her getting good grades in school).

Harry's picture

by herself.  Why would she?  She doing what she wants and no one is correcting her.  It’s up to your DH, her Bf to guide her in to a good person by correcting her.  Makeing her clean up the bathroom every time she mess it up. Until she learns it’s easy to do it right then clean up the bathroom.  Ect, ect 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Will she even grow out of it NOT on her own? We try to correct things and it just doesn’t work. Like the peeing on the toilet... it’s been a never ending issue and we’ve said and done all that we can. She still pees on the toilet seat or the floor DAILY. There is only so much that a parent can do, and THAT is where the problem is.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I wish that I could tell you. It’s something we have been on her about for over a year now. It’s beyond ridiculous. I wish that my kids’ had their own bathroom. The 42 days a year that she’s gone, their bathroom is spotless.

Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy15 has been a butthole as long as I've known her.  For the longest time, I blamed Satan.  And I do think genetics is partly to blame, along with Satan egging Killjoy on to misbehave at our house.  She lived with Satan until she was 8 and now has her toxic influence EOWE.

But then I stood back and watched DH parent her.  And you know what?  He's permissive, and she's spoiled.  It all came crashing down when she abused my GD and got no consequence for it.  In fact, the rewards just kept coming and coming, and that by far wasn't the end of Killjoy's bad behavior.

So instead of being 90% Satan's fault, it went to 90% DH's fault.  And your BM has even less influence than Satan does.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have entered this relationship, but once I did, I should have done more to put a stop to the endless gravy train that DH lavishes his little snowflake with.

And in recent years, I have tried, but he's been bucking my efforts every step of the way.  It's exhausting.

So I recently gave DH and ultimatum.  Either he and Killjoy GTFO of my house voluntarily and we stay married, or I file divorce and they GTFO involuntarily.  Either way, they GTFO.  He chose Option A.  He is moving out at the end of this month.  It's such a relief.

I thank my lucky stars every day we have no bios together.  I can't imagine being tied to this fustercluck permanently.

Disengage.  Do it NOW, before the resentment burns a hole in your heart.  Stop doing things for this little bish.  Please.



NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Truth be told, I ENVY YOU!!!

NoThanks's picture

I know you’ve told DH ypu have issues with SDs behavior but have you had a solid Come To Jesus talk with him, letting him know how unhappy you are and how you dont see the relationship lasting much long in this state? Maybe the notion of losing you will put some sense in him. 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Yup! He knows. He just doesn’t think I’m serious about leaving. He thinks that we can all be this incredibly happy family and his daughter is just going through a phase that I don’t like right now and everything is going to JUST BE PERFECT!!!

Yeah. Okay. Good luck with that.

BethAnne's picture

You cannot blame BM if the child is with you for most of the year. It sounds like inconsistent parenting is going on in your house and that you are not happy with the way your husband parents his child. There could also be an underlying mental disorder (or a physical one if she has difficulty using the toilet properly). But in order to address either of these both you and your husband need to be on the same page. That might not be your page, and might not be how you would raise this girl, but it should be a compromise between you that will help her to shine. If your husband is unwilling to help and participate or does not follow through on any agreements that you two make then it might be worth just backing off and disengaging from parenting your SD and letting your husband do all the heavy lifting of rasing his child. It is not worth putting extra strain on your life, home and marriage because you feel you need to pick up the parenting that he is neglecting to do. 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I 100% blame the BM and her genes. SD is a mini version of her. I can just imagine the issues that her father is going to have with her when she’s a teenager. There is only so much that a parent can do... only so many times that we can scold her for pissing on the toilet seat, yell at her for being obnoxious and craving the attention of strangers in public, etc. You can’t sit and beat the stupid out of a kid. And frankly, she just doesn’t care. She thinks it’s funny. Anything that we try to correct is met with either this super pathetic “everyone feel sorry for me” face OR a smiling “I’m so cute it doesn’t matter that I act like an uncivilized human being” face.

My kids act nothing like her. They are shy, well behaved, clean, organized, honest, respectful, and real. They have all been raised together since SD was in the late toddler years. The difference is that she goes to spend one week every 3 to 4 months with the useless BM. I don’t even blame her visits though - I fully blame her DNA.

BethAnne's picture

It sounds like this relationship with your SD is really taking a toll on you. I would step back from it if I were you so that you can get some space and breathing room. 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

It is taking a toll on me. It’s causing strain on my marriage because her father doesn’t do half the work that I do and he doesn’t see her issues because he is blinded by biological ties. I’ve tried to step back and her and daddy disapprove of that. She cries if I don’t do her hair for Christ’s sake. I agree that I need some space and breathing room, which is why I can only hope and pray that her worthless BM actually takes her child in seventeen days for her next one week visit. I’m not holding my breath though...

hereiam's picture

She needs to be given actual consequences for acting out and be made to clean the entire bathroom when she pisses on the seat or floor.

Also, maybe explain to her the difference between humans and animals? She is not a monkey at the zoo.

Does she have any friends? I can't imagine that others want to be around her when she's acting a fool.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

We’ve compared the way that she acts to an animal before. Especially the way that she eats. Gag!!!

She has some friends but she is definitely one of the mean girls at school. She is very judgmental and she thinks that she is prettier and smarter than everyone. Another mom once told me that her daughter won’t play with SD anymore because she’s “not a nice friend.” She switches best friends every year and whoever was previously her best friend hates her and refuses to talk to her the next year. This has happened since kindergarten.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Yes, she’s talked about it. It doesn’t seem to bother her. She just finds someone else to be her “best friend” and all is well. She realizes that she is extremely bossy and controlling with her “friends.” We have talked to her about this behavior a million times. It seems to work out best for her to be friends with the bullies. She’s a “you can’t sit with us” type of person. She’s tall and thin and pretty and she knows it. If she is this self absorbed at 9, can you imagine how she’s going to be when she starts developing into a young woman? YIKES!!!!! Being in love with herself is yet another thing she got straight from her BM’s DNA. Barf.

Bex_S's picture

OMG do we have the same stepchild?! Unfortunately however well you raise a stepchild, they're always going to be someone else's and there's a genetic element. Most children are at least a little like their parents, even if they don't see them much. My SD is basically a clone of her mother and has all the traits you listed (with a few more undesirable ones on top).

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

Isn’t it crazy? So many people are quick to blame the parents in the main home! I find it comical. Even my DH knows how well I’ve raised my children and he knows that so many of SD’s issues are straight from her bloodline. LOL!

I’m sorry that you have to deal with a similar child. But I do enjoy finding people that I can relate to on StepTalk. Smile

SittingPretty's picture

Your SD sounds just like mine.

She’s almost 11 now and just getting worse and worse. She’s smart enough to realize that she should fake it, but even DH is clever enough to see through it now. 

I actually don’t mind her BM, I’d rather hang out with her than SD any day. I’m not sure where her total meanness came from. She’s awful to the other kids (but only when she thinks we aren’t watching).

Her recent thing is stealing. If anything doesn’t revolve around her 100 percent there are tears, tantrums and the day is ruined for everyone. Even DH’s family had enough of her this summer. His mom said she could be one of the stars of Mean Girls.

So frustrating. I often wonder how I would feel having a biological child that is such a bad person. Do you not realize when it’s your own child? Or you unconditionally love them so it doesn’t matter? 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I’m sorry that you have to deal with the same type of kid that I deal with every day. I think that biological parents with children like our SDs do see it, but they are in denial and they just hope that it will go away. My DH seems to think that she can grow out of the behaviors that she exhibits, but I disagree. It’s who she is not what she does. You can change the things that you do but you can’t change your entire personality! He’s living in a fantasy world.