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Custodial agreed to let child move W/O changing orders?

Flowerpower's picture

Mother is cusodial parent.  Child (age 10) has been begging to live with father in a different state. Mom finally caves in and agrees to allowing the child to live with dad in a different state but mother does not want to change any of the court ordered custody papers. Father has child support taken out monthly.

How would this work? Should we just see if Mom would send back the money and possibly more as support from her? If she doesn't agree to send back money at the very least, do we just bite our tongue and wait it out till the child is considered to be a resident of the new state? If it went to court after 6 months, how likely is a judge to switch custody around and order back pay + support moving forward?


Has anyone dealt with something simialr? 


SteppedOut's picture

I wouldn't be keen on changing custody PRIOR TO the order being changed. 

BM wants to send the kid to you full-time (added expenses) AND continue to get support (more expense). 

Hell no. 

Flowerpower's picture

I believe BM is trying to be sneaky by not wanting to have anything in writing and through the courts, so she could still be "in control."

However, I think if we were to take the child, after 6 months the child is considered a resident of our state and any court proceedings would be here instead of BM's state. And at that point, a judge would see a happy successful family unit, see BM "sent the child away" to us and that we could finicially support the child and BM refused to to help in any monetary capacity... 

It is a very tricky situation. 

Stressed19's picture

You can file for child support asap! Arrears will be back dated to the date motion was filed. You have proof that child was enrolled at a school in your state.

BethAnne's picture

Not the best solution but you could see if BM will agree to changing the court documents if you have a private agreement to keep paying her some <transition> money for a set peroid of time. We did this with BM, she got <child support> for a year after SD moved with us out of state. Resented it at the time, but it did mean the transition was less accrimonious. 

I would be uncomfortable to take a step child out of state without court documents backing you up, sounds like a way for kidnap charges at worst or threats of going to court to enforce the current parenting plan whenever she wants her way will happen.

At the very least I would strongly encourage you to consult with a lawyer. $150 to have your questions ansered for the specific states that are involved is worth the money. Things get complicated and unpredictable when the status-quo does not match what is filed with the courts. 

susanm's picture

No way.  If she wants to send the child then she can do it the right way or not at all.  You are setting yourself up for a crazy ride with BM making your life miserable.  No matter how badly you and her father may want her with you, you would be insane to do it "under the table."

Dawn-Moderator's picture

and court ordered or I wouldn't do it.

What my Dh did was get Bm to agree to the custody switch and still paid Bm a portion of the child support.  After Ss was here for at least a year, then he went back to eliminate child support all together.  We never got any child support from Bm. 

Now ,we were in the same state as Bm and she had standard eow and one day a week visitation for awhile.  When Ss kept getting behind on school work, Bm went down to eow and no day during the week.

I would consult a lawyer before doing anything.

STaround's picture

At a minimum, I would want something in writing agreeing to child living with dad.  In theory, dad could keep the kid a year, and then file for formal change.   If he can show child is thriving he may be able to make a case for change in custody.  But it is a gamble

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You NEED to get the order updated. At this point she could lie to the court and say dad has refused to return the child. She also has no legal obligation to return child support. Moral yes but clearly her morals are questionable if she isn't willing to have the court order adjusted offically. Yes it could cost a tiny bit to get it done but it gives ALOT of protection to both parties. Ontop of that if dad is now the primary caregiver he might be entitled to child support. He doesn't have to seek it but he could.

Harry's picture

How long this 10 yo will want to live with his father.  First red flag is a 10 yo calling the shots

.  He may stay a week,or three and  find his BF is harder to live. With and will want to return to BM.   You are going to spend all this money to change the CO, To just spend the same money and time to change it back, three weeks later. 

Stressed19's picture

You can go online, view your county court and print the forms necessary to request child support... Most also have an office where you can get paperwork, they can assist with what you need, they just do not provide legal consultation 

Flowerpower's picture

I hear what you all are saying, all very valid points! What about a temporary custody agreement that both parents sign so there is SOME paper trail? Also no, a 10 year old is not calling the shots. She has been wanting to live with us for years, she has been trying to communicate this to BM for years only to be shut down and the idea called stupid. There is so much minipulation going on but SD is bright enough that she is not blind to it and has started calling BM (and her side of the family) on their crap. BM texted DH to let her know it was on the table for a full year. SD10 knows she would need to try it for a full year, which is the agreed time frame between BM and DH. BM herself said she had reasons she wanted SD10 to come out here... 

Her not wanting to have the court order modified is 100% sketchy and more than likely a ploy to hold onto control. We will consult a lawyer with all of this; I just wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similiar situation. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I think it's a trap!

There should be a modification of child support for this "temporary" arrangement. It should be in writing, for sure, vetted by an attorney.

Thumper's picture

Further explanation IS necessary everyone...., the current court order reflects who has custody, right? YOU/DH can not change the integrity of the standing order...well I guess you can, BM's do it all the time. But that is beside the point.

What tangible proof do YOU have that bm said, ok---I am sending the child to you to live on a permanent basis. I "BM" agree to this change effective Sept 1 2019..blah blah blah.

PLEASE find a lawyer asap or this could go sour very quickly. PROTECT yourselves and file for child support too. Your dh has paid bm for several years, now the tables are turned. You can use the help too even if it is small $



GreenEyez's picture

Dont do anything without a court order or some form of legal paperwork. She can easily turn this around against you guys. Never trust word of mouth from the other BP

Rags's picture

Once the child has met the residency requirements for their new home then the parent with actual physical possession of the child should be able to file for custody and for CS against the other parent.  It is unlikely that the court will order back support of for the other parent to reimburse the new CP for CS paid during the transition period.  

Consult with an attorney.